Tooth for Tooth - a novel

Chapter 1

2009-09-19T16:54:00.002-07:00

My daycare provider’s apartment always smelled like a combination of applesauce and baby powder, and my daycare provider, Donna, smelled the same. She had hair highlighted red and a goldfish face with eyes set wide. When I knocked on her door, she shouted her familiar, “Come in. It’s not locked.”

I let go of Caitlin’s hand and gave her a tight hug before releasing her to join the other kids at the toy chest. Donna sat on the edge of a kitchen chair, feeding a toddler some banana goop out of a jar. Two boys played with dinky cars on the pale taupe carpet.

I reminded Donna, “I’m working till four again today, so I should be back to pick Caitlin up around 4:30.”

Donna looked up and smiled, revealing small white kernels of teeth. “We’ll be here.”

“Bye, Caity-Cat. Have a good day,” I called to Caitlin.

Caitlin looked up from her puzzle. “Bye, Mommy.”

I blew her a kiss and then signalled for her to take her thumb out of her mouth. Although she never did it as a baby, she’d recently started sucking her thumb.

Once outside our apartment complex, I zipped up my coat to protect myself from the biting wind. Usually, I didn’t mind the walk to work but days like this reminded me that winter was on its way. Twenty minutes later, I was glad to step into the warmth of the dental clinic.

From the cloakroom, I called to my co-worker, Connie, “There sure is a nip in the air.”

Connie’s brow wrinkled. “Yeah, it’s a change from last week. That’s what I hate about September. The weather changes from one day to the next. By the way, your mom says hello.”

I smiled and nodded. Mom and Connie talked on the phone almost daily since I started at the clinic. I think Mom must feel more in tune with my life when she can talk about me with Connie.

Today, Connie had pulled her unruly brown hair into a braid. She wore a tight jean dress with one gold bangle wrapped around her left bicep.

I took off my jacket and walked through the waiting room. That’s when I saw the petite, blonde woman sitting with her back straight, and both hands in her lap, twisting the handle of her purse.

She looked up and smiled. “Hi. I’m a little early.”

I continued past her and sat at my reception desk. I looked to the appointment book to see her name was Sarah Dowe and she was indeed twenty minutes early.

“Can I get you a cup of coffee while you wait?” I said and handed her a clipboard with the standard dental forms to fill out.

Taking the paperwork she answered, “No, thank you. I just brushed my teeth.” She smiled brilliantly. “I’m a little nervous. No offence to Doctor Mott, but I don’t like dentists.”

As if on cue, Dr. William Mott entered the room. His tall frame filled the doorway. He had full lips, high cheekbones and slightly sunken sea-gray eyes. Carrying a motorbike helmet and leather jacket, he wouldn’t be mistaken for a dentist.

“Bill, your ears must be burning,” Connie said.

Bill’s face creased in a smile. “Hmm. Three women talking about me? Please don’t stop.”

I could feel the heat rising up my neck.

Connie wagged her finger at Sarah and me. “These two were saying how they don’t like dentists.”

Bill’s smile faded, “Oh.” His eyes found mine. He looked like a pierced puppy. Sarah sat up straighter. “Oh my, no. I like dentists. You come highly recommended. It’s just that I don’t like dentist appointments. I mean, I don’t like dental work.”

She seemed flustered so I tried to rescue her. “Dr. Mott, Sarah is a new patient and will need a preliminary exam.”

His smile returned so that both dimples showed. “Well then, let’s get her set up with some x-rays.”

The hygienist, Gail, walked with purpose down the hall. In her late fifties, she wore her slate-gray hair in a tight bun. I turned to Sarah and said, “Gail will take you to the room.”

“Thanks.” Sarah stood, handed me her paperwork, and followed Gail down the hall.

Bill winked as he passed my desk and again I felt my face flood with color. I was relieved to have a solidly booked afternoon to keep me busy and focussed on work. I picked up the receiver and dialled.

“Hello, it’s Heather Williams from Lakeside Dental Clinic. I’m just calling to get some insurance information for one of our patients. Paula Wagner.” I waited for their response. “Yes, she did give me some primary insurance numbers.” I read the numbers to the woman on the other end of the phone. “But you’re not showing anything? Okay. This must be really new. I’ll have to call her to get the right information. Thank you.” The numbers are probably from her dog license. I smiled.

I continued with my work but my thoughts returned to Bill and my regular daydream. I imagine us walking barefoot along the beach, with the sun streaking the sky brilliant blues, oranges and pinks. He’s wearing a white shirt that flutters in the warm wind. A lone seagull calls in the distance. The waves crash onto the beach erasing our footprints as we walk. He takes my hand and turns me to face him…

“Hi again,” Sarah said, her words jolting me from my thoughts.

“How’d it go?” I turned my chair to face her.

“No cavities. I need to book another appointment for a proper cleaning though.”

Looking up at Sarah, something about her smile twigged my memory. “Did you used to go to St. Anne’s High School?”

Sarah leaned over the counter. “Yeah I did.”

“Was your last name Kinsey?”

She raised an eyebrow in amusement. “Yes! Dowe is my married name.”

“I’m Heather. Heather Williams.”

“Oh, my goodness! Heather! I didn’t recognize you with the dark hair. You used to have blonde hair and braces. How are you?”

“Good, good. I’m working here now.” I smiled sheepishly. “Well, obviously.”

I’d known Sarah since we were “minor niners” in high school together. On the first day, she told me that although her teeth were perfectly straight, she wished she had braces like me. I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to have to wear the ugly metal contraptions and immediately felt a warm bond with this new friend. She was shorter than me, with bright blue eyes and fair skin. Pretty and petite while I was athletic and tanned we looked like an experimentation in opposites. Later that same year, I dyed my hair blonde to look more like her.

The phone rang and I excused myself to answer it. After I hung up the receiver I asked, “Listen, do you have time to visit for a tea after work? I’ll be off at four and just live a short walk from here.”

“I’d love to. I have some errands to run and then I’ll return.”

“See you then.”

With two emergency appointments, the afternoon passed by quickly. By four o’clock I felt rushed to get my paperwork done. Sarah returned at ten past four. I held one finger in the air and called to her, “I’ll only be a few more moments.”

On our way home the earlier bright skies had clouded over and the chill was still in the air. I was happy for a drive in Sarah’s mini-van.

“I’ll have to wear an extra sweater to work tomorrow,” I said.

“Do you always walk to work?” Sarah asked as we drove past the commercial area. Next to the garden store was a patch of field, Bath and Body Works, the Bargain Dollar discount store, Holland Video, the pizza joint, and the computer store.

“Yeah, that’s why I moved close to work. You remember I used to be on the running team? I don’t run anymore, but I do love walking and hiking.”

“There are some lovely trails around Holland. But I admit I don’t get out as much as I probably should.” She laughed, a nice lilting sound.

We both giggled as we drove past the Lighthouse Christian Assembly Church outdoor billboard. It read:

Don’t let worries kill you.
Let the church help.

I asked, “So what have you done since high school?”

“Oh, I went to Hope College, got married, had a baby. The usual. You?”

“About the same.” I didn’t feel like getting into the fact that my marriage ended only last year. We caught each other up quickly on parents, siblings, and our jobs.

“Here we are.” I pointed to my apartment. Sarah parked on the street in front.

When I opened the doors to the building, I was surprised to find Donna waiting in the hallway.

“Heather, we need to talk,” Donna said.

Her amber eyes, normally bright and animated, were clouded and wrinkles creased her brow.

What is she, the time police? I thought as I looked at my watch. “How’s right now?” I offered, a lump rising in my throat.

“It’s good. I have a sitter.” She exhaled.

“I should go,” Sarah said, twisting the ring on her left hand.

“No, please stay.” I grabbed hold of Sarah’s arm. As we ascended the stairs, Donna’s ominous announcement made my heart race with a surge of adrenaline. Had Caitlin hit another child? Kicked that little curly-haired boy? I hoped she hadn’t bitten anyone. But if it were any of these things, wouldn’t Donna have just told me? Why the secrecy?

I could never have imagined what Donna would tell me that day. The very thought made me want to retch.

**

Later that night, in my living room, my mother paced the floor. Her short hair, which looked more salt than pepper, swayed with her nodding head. “How could this happen?” Tears streamed down her face.

My father, a heavy-set man with graying curly hair, sat quietly, arms folded across his chest. Through clenched teeth he muttered, “If I ever see the man again, I’ll kill him.”

Still in a daze, I reached for the phone and dialed the number scribbled on the notepaper.

“Children’s Aid Society answering service,” a voice on the other end snapped.

“H…Hello,” I stuttered, my lips stiff with the strain. “I got this number from a friend. Is this the correct number for reporting child abuse?” My mother let out a loud moan. I shot her a look to remind her that Caitlin was sleeping.

“This is the Children’s Aid Society answering service. Name?”

Did she want my name or my daughter’s?

“Name?” she repeated, louder this time.

“Heather Williams.”

My mother leaned over to my dad and remarked, “At least she kept her own name.”

“Address? Phone number?”

I gave them to her.

“Marital status?”

My voice caught in my throat. “Um, well, I’m separated.”

As if on the phone with me, Mom added, “She never should’ve married the man.”

“Married,” the voice on the phone countered, clicking away at the form.

“No, no. I’m not married. We’re separated.”

“So you’re divorced, then.” Her tone was flat, final.

“No.”

“Then you’re married.”

“No, I’m not. I’m separated. I no longer live with this man. I’m not married,” I said, sharper than intended.

“You’re either married or divorced. Which is it?” she retorted.

“Neither!” Who am I dealing with here? The blood rising to my face thumped in my temples. She has all the compassion of a boy stabbing a worm with a dull hook. I could see my parents exchanging looks of confusion.

“Fine. I’ll check off married. An advocate will call you tomorrow.”

I hung up the phone with a small whoosh of relief and shared with my parents the full conversation.

“This whole thing is such a nightmare!” my mother cried.

After many tears and hugs, my parents returned to their own home. Before leaving, they asked permission to tell my sister, Janice, and although I wanted to tell her myself, I agreed. I didn’t have the energy to go through it again. I assumed they would tell their pastor and the prayer people at their church, too.

Closing the door behind them, I sank down to the floor as tears poured down my cheeks. My cat, Blue-Casey, sensed my distress and hopped into my lap, circling twice before finding the right spot. I stroked his silver-blue furry back absentmindedly and began sobbing.

**

I awoke the next morning to the phone ringing. It took me a moment to realize I had fallen asleep on the living room couch. Blue-Casey lay curled at my feet.

“Hello?” I answered hoarsely.

“Is this Heather Williams?”

“Yes,” I admitted in a small voice.

“My name is Megan Schwartz, an intake worker from the Children’s Aid Society.”

“Yes.” I sat up, still groggy.

“Can you please tell me why you called our service?”

With some measure of reserve I said, “My daughter. My daughter told the daycare provider that she was touched in her private parts. She’s been sexually assaulted.”

“Has she been to the hospital?”

I bit my lip. “No, I only found out yesterday and was told I had to call you. Do I need to take her to the hospital?”

“Yes. I can give you the number of a clinic where your daughter can be seen.”

“Can’t I just use our family doctor?”

“Yes, fine. I also need to meet with you. I have an opening on Thursday, September 5 at 9:00.”

“I can be there,” I said.

She hung up. I put my head between my knees. I felt as if a rush of wind had just burst into my apartment and taken my breath away. Was I having an out-of-body experience? Or a nervous breakdown? Everything seemed surreal. How could Rod have done such a thing? Questions thrashed around in my head like cod caught in a fishing net.

I reached for the phone and dialed Dr. Carmen’s office. I explained my reason for needing an appointment and the receptionist booked me for 3:30 the next day.

My bottom lip quivered. Now, what to do? What day was it anyway? I looked at the clock, then at the calendar.

I could hear my daughter stirring in the room down the hall. Tears welled in my eyes. How can I take care of this precious little girl when I can’t even focus? I went to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face.

Looking in the mirror, I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me. I turned away.

“Mommy?” Caitlin called from her bedroom.

“Yes, Caity-Cat. I’ll be right there.”

My instincts kicked in and I moved into autopilot-mother.

Chapter 2

2009-09-19T16:54:00.001-07:00

“The doctor will see you now.” A willowy blonde receptionist who was all legs and teeth led us to a room big enough to fit only three people at most. A ceiling tile hung loose. I flashed her a half-smile. No return smile. Humph, so she’s got nice legs and perfect hair but I’ve got a much better tan. Oh! Where is my head?

I tried to suppress my anxiety by making this a fun trip to our friendly doctor’s office. “See, Caity-Cat, this is what a doctor uses to measure how tall you are and how much you weigh. Let’s try it.” I mustered enthusiasm and a smile and stood Caitlin on the scale.

“Wow, you weigh thirty-five pounds! What a growing girl. Now let’s get you up on the table and test your reflexes.” I was about to tap Caitlin’s knee when Dr. Carmen knocked and opened the door. He wasn’t much taller than I, but carried his stocky frame well.

“Well, hello,” Dr. Carmen said in his sandpaper voice. “What brings two such lovely ladies to visit me this fine day?”

My throat constricted. “We’re just here for Caitlin’s regular check up,” I said. I knew that his question was redundant. Of course, the willowy receptionist told him why we needed the appointment.

“Well, let’s begin.” With a broad smile, he opened the top drawer of the desk and pulled out a purple penlight. From the shelf he took down two thin wooden sticks – he gave one to Caitlin.

“Now open your mouth and say ahhhh.”

After looking into Caitlin’s mouth, the doctor let Caitlin look into his. Fascinated, she grinned when she saw silver on a few of his teeth.

Dr. Carmen smiled crookedly. “Let’s look in your ears.”

Leaning in closer, he called, “Hello, anybody in there?” and with a quieter voice he echoed, “Hello, anybody in there?”

Caitlin giggled. Dr. Carmen smiled and scanned the light across each of her eyes. “Looks good,” he pronounced, replacing the purple pen light on the desk.

“Okay, let’s have you lie down on the bench so I can check your belly.”

Caitlin lay on the table. I slumped in the chair, not wanting to talk. Not able to talk. My heart beat double time. Dr. Carmen placed one hand on her tummy and tapped it with his finger.

“Did you eat cereal for breakfast today? I think I can feel a little Cheerio.”

Caitlin’s eyes opened wide. “I had Cheerios! Mommy didn’t eat nothing, but I did, I had Cheerios!”

Dr. Carmen continued his examination, feeling around her neck and pressing on her stomach.

“Any aches or pains?” he asked.

“Nope.”

“I’m going to have a look at your private parts now, Caitlin. I promise it won’t hurt, okay.”

I crossed my legs. Caitlin tensed and looked over to me. I fought back the bile that rose in my throat, and reached out to hold her hand. “It’s okay, Honey. Dr. Carmen won’t hurt you.”

“Has anyone touched you in your private parts before, Caitlin?” Dr. Carmen asked as Caitlin removed her undergarments.

“Yes, Daddy did,” she said and frowned. “It hurt.”

Dr. Carmen took a piece of paper out of the desk drawer and scribbled on it. He cleared his throat. “When was that?”

“When I visit him,” Caitlin stated matter-of-factly. I massaged a sudden throbbing in my left temple.

Dr. Carmen continued to scribble. “Do your private parts hurt now?”

“No.” Caitlin pulled a strand of hair into her mouth.

Dr. Carmen showed Caitlin a stick with cotton on one end, and joked how it could be used as a Q-tip for a giant’s ear. Caitlin looked up blankly. He then proceeded to swab her vagina.

“Okay, Sweetie, we’re all done with your checkup.” I helped Caitlin get redressed.

Dr. Carmen reached in his coat pocket and pulled out a yellow sucker. “You’ve been a great patient.” He handed her the sucker and ushered her out of the room to the waiting receptionist as he explained that he needed to talk to me in private.

Once back in the room, he closed the door behind him. The tears streamed freely down my cheeks.

Dr. Carmen drew his chair close and leaned his arms on his knees. He pinched the bridge of his nose and waited until I composed myself.

His voice became a confidential whisper. “Heather, this was just a preliminary examination. There seems to be irritation and redness around her vagina, but I am not an expert in this area. I would like to refer you to the SCAN program – The Suspected Child Abuse and Neglect Program at the Hospital for Sick Children for further testing.”

I nodded.

“I’ll get my receptionist to book an appointment.”

I took a deep breath and nodded again. Dr. Carmen stood and laid his hand heavily on my shoulder, like a paw. “Take your time.” He reached up and pulled a sample pack of sleeping pills from the shelf. “These may help.” He handed the pills to me and left the office.

I looked around the room. Why, Lord? Why am I here? Why is this happening? Anger overtook my feelings of horror and I stood, ready to fight. Give me five minutes alone in this room with Rod… I punched the air at an imaginary Rod with such force that it sent me into a whirl knocking a model of the male reproductive organs off the shelf. The irony hit me right away.

Once in the reception area, I took Caitlin’s hand in mine and tucked the appointment card in my pocket. What will tomorrow bring?

Chapter 3

2009-09-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

Still groggy from the sleeping pills, I managed to tie my hair back and splash water on my face before I ushered Caitlin downstairs to Donna’s apartment.

Once in my Jeep, I looked at the address Ms. Schwartz, the C.A.S. intake worker, had given me over the phone on Tuesday. I tried to keep my mind focused on the road. I finally found the Children’s Aid Society office in a large white building settled behind the low rental housing at the right side of a dead-end street. I managed to fit into one of the last parking spots.

I checked my teeth in the rearview mirror, gathered my purse and notes, and walked up to the front doors. I took a deep breath and stepped inside. To my left sat a receptionist with a phone piece in her ear and a microphone close to her mouth.

“Children’s Aid Society. How can I direct your call? One moment, please.” She looked up and raised her eyebrows as if to ask who I was and why I was there.

“Heather Williams. Here to see Megan Schwartz.” She nodded and cocked her head toward the row of seats. I assumed she wanted me to sit.

The plastic scalloped-shaped seats were positioned too close to each other, so I chose the one on the end. A man with a heavy briefcase waved to the receptionist as he left the building. Two women, deeply engaged in hushed conversation, passed by and descended a flight of stairs. I heard a baby cry behind a closed door. This was not a cheery place. I tried to breathe in slowly through my nose and release the air through my mouth.

I looked at the row of pamphlets lined on the wall: Garden of Missing Children Society, Association of Family and Conciliation Courts, Mental Health Association, Open Hearts Ministry, Victim Crisis Assistance. Many of the agencies featured were foreign to me. I’d never had to deal with this kind of ugliness before. I’d never known anyone who suffered from abuse; at least no one who had told me.

A woman in a green tweed pantsuit approached. She walked with her hands close by her side and marched without swinging her arms. She looked like a tackle box.

“Heather?” She extended her hand. “I’m Megan Schwartz. I’m the Intake Worker. Come with me.” Her hand felt clammy. I fought the urge to wrench mine away.

She led me down a series of hallways to a cubicle no bigger than the interior of my Jeep. She closed the door and I glanced at the open ceiling. Little good this’ll do. I’m sure everyone will hear our whole conversation.

Megan sat at the little desk with a computer, pulled out the keyboard and started to type.

I took a seat directly across from her.

“Williams. W-i-l-l-i-a-m-s?” she asked.

I noticed her overbite as she worked to pronounce the W. “Yes.”

“Birth date?” Megan asked.

“August 21, 1975.”

“Husband’s name and birth date?”

“Ex-husband.” I clenched my teeth. “Rod. Rod Kramer. K-r-a-m-e-r. November 3, 1965.”

I wanted to twist my chair to the other side of the desk to see the screen.

“Daughter’s name and birth date?”

“Caitlin Elizabeth Williams-Kramer. Caitlin with a ‘C’. Born October 12, 2004.”

“Please tell me what happened. Leave nothing out.”

I winced slightly. I told her of Donna’s news, the doctor’s appointment, and the arrangement to go to the children’s hospital.

“Okay, Ms. Williams, I’ve recorded all the information. Thank you.” She forced an unconvincing smile. One of those smiles that look like you’re trying desperately to avoid flatulence.

That’s it? What now?

With a tight feeling in my chest and my breath shallow, I asked, “What should I do now?”

She stood, signaling that our meeting had ended. “I suggest you get yourself a lawyer.”

At my stunned look she continued, “There are five good children’s lawyers in the Holland area. This list should help.” She pulled open a drawer, searched for a sheet of paper, and handed it to me.

“And my daughter?” A sick feeling roiled in the pit of my stomach.

“There are a number of services that may be of help to her, depending on her age.”

You forgot her age already? I bit my lip. She pulled out another sheet from her magic drawer.

“Th-thanks,” I sputtered.

Megan looked at her watch and gave me an exasperated look. Obviously our time was over.

When I left the building, my shoulders drooped. I had never felt so alone. This woman, someone who deals with incest and child abuse all the time, offered no comfort. I was just a case number. She had no compassion, no sympathy. How could she be so emotionless? Why did she have to be such a sea-hag?

I walked to my Jeep, my eyes blurred. The sky was dark and swollen with gray clouds. One lone seagull called in the distance. From Lake Macatawa, I could smell the aroma of fish on the wind. In the quietness of my own vehicle, I slumped over the steering wheel and released the tears held back all morning. God, I don’t have the strength for this. I feel so alone.

**

Once I had Caitlin down for the night, I couldn’t get Rod out of my mind. Even as I started to write in my journal, I couldn’t escape the thoughts wheeling around in my head like big white gulls. I poured a mug of milk and warmed it in the microwave. Sitting in the rocking chair, Blue-Casey in my lap, I traced patterns in his coat and then smoothed them away as I let my mind wander. How could I miss the signs? They were all there. One night over drinks, Rod told me that he had his first sexual encounter with a friend’s thirty-five-year old mother when he was only fourteen. Then, as a teenager, an older counsellor at a boys’ summer camp had molested him. His desire for porn, both the magazines and on the Internet, was insatiable.

Yet in my defense, nothing in my own background or experience had prepared me for this horror.

I rocked back and forth in rhythm to the living room clock. Blue-Casey climbed on my chest, placing one paw on each side of my neck, giving me his patent hug. I stroked his soft fur.

I remembered one night when I had returned from a three-day conference. I passed Rod in the hall on my way upstairs to tuck in Caitlin and he asked how my conference went.

“Good, thanks.” I noticed he had his work shirt on. “Going to work tonight?”

“Yeah, they need me. A freezer broke down and we have to move the meat,” he said over his shoulder while tying up his work boots.

After he closed the front door I let my shoulders relax. I had the house to myself to unpack my things and spend time with my little one. I felt so much better when he wasn’t around. After bathing Caitlin and helping her with her pajamas, I tucked her in the small bed with the pink frilly blanket and her gold and green teddy bear. I read her a couple of pages from her favorite nursery rhyme book and leaned in to kiss her on her cheek. She sulked. Puzzled, I asked, “Why the frown, Caity-Cat?”

Caitlin’s strawberry hair was in deep contrast to her blonde eyelashes and eyebrows. Her freckles, dotted across her nose, highlighted her green eyes. But the bags under Caitlin’s eyes looked black against her ashen face. She whispered, “Daddy hurt me.”

I didn’t know whether it was her tone of voice or the searching look on her face, but her words sliced into my heart. I forced them away. Even though Rod and I had marital differences, I would not, could not, believe that he would hurt his only child. My disbelief and denial ran deep. I could not explore further what she had meant by those three words. I hung on to the fact that we’d be out of the house soon. I replied, “Mommy’s here now.” I kissed her on her forehead, and left it at that.

I’m haunted by the memory. She had told me her secret years ago and I didn’t help her. The guilt crushed my shoulders. Despair flooded through me. Disappointment weighted my limbs. The weight was too much. My daughter had reached out to me and I let her down. She had tried to tell me and I ignored her. I had made her face two more years of horror because I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t face it. My chin fell to my chest. I didn’t want to believe it. My daughter needed me and I wasn’t there for her. I gasped for air and struggled to get it into my lungs. My head throbbed.

I dropped Blue-Casey to the floor and walked to the bathroom. The carpet blurred beneath my wet eyes. I struggled to catch my breath through the sobs coming from my own mouth.

Opening the cabinet, I found only a few bottles of medicine. I needed to escape into a sea of oblivion. I needed peace. Would it be enough to do the job? Why didn’t I have anything stronger than allergy medication? Then I remembered the sample pack of sleeping pills. There were only six left, but maybe if I combined them all. Oh, I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to sleep forever. I wanted to forget. I wanted out.

I gathered all the medicine containers from the cabinet and took them to my bedroom. Lining them up on my dresser, I picked up the picture of Caitlin in her baby crib. “I’m sorry, Caity-Cat. I’m so sorry. Mommy couldn’t help you. Mommy can’t help you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” The tears flowed and my nose dripped. I reached across my bed for a tissue and collapsed. So tired. Closing my eyes, I gave in and fell into darkness.

Chapter 4

2009-09-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

“Mommy? Mommy?”

I awoke, my face deep in the pillow. Turning over, I opened my eyes to see the cool morning light filtering in through my bedroom blinds. I was alive? I looked over to my dresser. Of course I was alive. I didn’t even take the lids off the containers. What happened? Why did I collapse?

“Mommy, I’m hungry.”

“I’ll be right there, Caity-Cat,” I said in a breathless whisper.

Shaking off the puzzlement, I pulled myself out of bed to make breakfast for my daughter.

I couldn’t shake the despair and desperation that hung over me like a black cloud. Guilt and shame threatened to swallow me. My breathing came in shallow gulps. I had to sit down on the bed for fear I would fall. My body tingled. The room spun around me. My heart raced.

Janice. I need to phone my sister.

My fingers fumbled over the numbers.

“Hello?” she answered.

“I can’t do this,” I stammered. “Janice, I can’t breathe.” I stopped. “I feel like I can’t keep my head above water.”

Janice knew why I couldn’t breathe. My whole family knew.

“Oh, Heather, Sissy,” her voice sounded strained. “I know this is hard for you. Talk to me.”

Tears coursed down my cheeks and I gasped for air. With her encouragement, I let it all out. Between sobs, I shared with her all that had happened up to this point. When I had finished spilling my story, I laid my head down on the bed, exhausted.

“Heather, I don’t know what to say,” her voiced sounded filled with emotion. “Let’s pray.”

Too tired to respond, I just nodded and listened.

“Dear Lord, I pray Your calming Spirit descend on my sister. Jesus, fill her with a peace that transcends all understanding. Give her strength to carry on, knowing that she is not alone. Father God, take her hand and walk with her.”

I felt my heartbeat slowing and with a large sigh, my breathing began to return to normal.

Janice continued, “Lord, as the Great Shepherd, You promised to take care of each of Your sheep. I pray that You fill Heather with a peace and a calm to get through each day, knowing that You love her more even than she loves Caitlin. In Jesus’ name, I pray.”

Her prayer soothed me but I questioned her last words. God loves me more than I love my daughter? How could anyone’s love be more than mine for Caitlin?

“Sissy?” My sister’s voice interrupted my thoughts.

“Thanks, Janice. I needed that. I thought I was going crazy.”

“I’m here for you – anytime. Know that you and Caitlin are in our prayers.”

I inhaled deeply. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“You know you can pray too, right?”

“Yeah, sure, of course. But you guys have a direct line to God. You’re ministers.”

Janice laughed. She had a deep, throaty laugh. “We don’t have any more clout than you. God hears everyone’s prayers – not just those of us in ministry.”

“Yeah, I guess. It’s just that you guys go to church and you read the Bible and stuff.”

Again a laugh from Janice. “Sissy, for goodness sake, God loves you and He hears your prayers, whether from a pew or in your own living room.”

“Thanks Janice. You always make me feel better. I’d better go now. Love you.”

“Love you too, Sissy. I’ll talk with you soon.”

After hanging up, I looked up, “Hey there…um…Big Guy, Big Kahuna, uh…khem…God, do you hear me? Are you really there like Janice says?”

The words were still hanging in the air when the door buzzer rang. Caitlin continued to watch her Saturday morning cartoons in the living room. I tripped over Blue-Casey as he ran for cover to hide under the couch as I made my way over to the door.

I pressed the release and opened the door. My mom didn’t even get past the shoes before she threw her arms around me, causing me to tumble backwards over my army boots. “Go put on some tea,” she directed and went over to give kisses to Caitlin.

She joined me back in the kitchen and sat down at the table. “How are you, Dear?” she squeezed my hand with heartfelt emotion.

“I’m doing okay. I just got off the phone with Janice.” I explained to her what had been happening up to this point.

“Honey, I’m worried about you. Look at you. You have such beautiful black hair, why wear it up? And you’ve lost so much weight in this past week.”

Normally I would be thrilled to be losing weight. But it wasn’t like I was trying. I just couldn’t eat. My stomach remained tied in knots.

“Mom, I’m okay – really.”

She exhaled an anxious breath and shook her head. “Well, I just think that you need to get out more. You need to do something to take your mind off this business. Why don’t you come with me to play cards?”

“No, thanks.” I couldn’t imagine sitting around the table with a bunch of old ladies chatting about their latest adventures in sewing. I repeated, “No, thanks.”

“Well, why don’t you call up some girlfriends? Have a night out? I’ll baby-sit Caitlin.” Mom seemed desperate.

“Thanks Mom, really. But I’m just not into going out.”

She gnawed thoughtfully on her bottom lip. “What about this?” she pointed to something in the newspaper on the table.

It read: All Women Welcome. Women’s Coffee Break. Free Seminar. Guest Speaker on Gardening. Free daycare.

“See it’s at the church up the street. Why don’t you go there just to get out of the apartment?” The look of concern on my mother’s face made me shift in my chair.

I rubbed my temples in thought. “Fine, fine. When is it?”

“Wednesday at nine. They even provide snacks,” she said rather smugly, obviously feeling as if she won.

Chapter 5

2009-09-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

Monday afternoon and I’m in the crush of traffic in downtown. Why me, Lord?

I could see the hospital in the distance, but where did they expect me to park? I turned in at the Green “P” sign and took the ticket from the machine, drove into the parking garage, and followed the yellow arrows up to the third level. Finally, I found an empty parking spot.

I unloaded my purse, backpack full of toys and activities, stroller for Caitlin and briefcase with notes up to this point. I still had thirty minutes to find the doctor’s office. So far, so good. But why take my purse when I had my hands full? Stashing it under the driver seat, I loaded Caitlin in the stroller for the long walk to the hospital, hooked the bag to the handlebars, and strapped the backpack on my back. Ready. Slamming the Jeep door, a darkness overshadowed my heart. Oh no, I just locked my keys in the car with my purse! My legs buckled under me. Stranded in a parking garage, in a strange city, by myself, headed for an appointment I didn’t want to go to. My heart began to beat rapidly in my chest. I couldn’t catch my breath. Couldn’t get air into my lungs.

“Mommy, you okay?” Caitlin sounded worried as if it was her job to console me, rather than the other way around.

Normally, I liked visiting downtown. I loved to shop and watch ball games – but this was no leisure trip. Any excitement had turned to anxiety.

I glanced up and through watery eyes saw the look of concern on my daughter’s young face. A cold splash of water wouldn’t have wakened me quicker from my self-pity.

I gathered my strength and took a deep breath, “Yes, Caity-Cat. Mommy just needed a little rest. I’m ready now. Let’s go.” I had to stay strong for Caitlin.

Once outside of the parking garage the sun blinded me. I lowered the flap on the stroller to protect Caitlin’s eyes. I had left my sunglasses in my purse. Why didn’t I bring my purse? I couldn’t remember why I had made such a stupid decision.

The hospital looked nothing like what I expected. It looked more like a mall than a place for sick and dying children. We walked through the front doors and entered the main atrium. To the left swirled a fountain, dancing with a variety of waterspouts. In the centre of the room, a modern glass elevator brought its passengers to different levels. Beautiful flowing plants hung from the ceiling.

Caitlin watched the fountain splash in rhythm to unheard music. Coming closer, I could see the coins in the pond. I’d like to add my own wish. Rod dead. No, too morose. How about a vicious venereal disease? I fished in my pocket for a coin and threw it in the water.

How many wishes had come true? What were their wishes? “I wish that my son would recover from leukemia.” “I wish that my daughter would receive a new heart.” This was no ordinary hospital. A sense of shame waved over me at my own ignorance to the suffering of other parents. Yet although I stood here too, I couldn’t feel like I belonged here. We were just visiting. This wasn’t real. We don’t belong here.

I pulled the appointment card from my pocket; it read Dr. Sharpe SCAN – 4D. Fourth floor, okay.

“We’ll take the glass elevator.”

Caitlin clapped her excitement. The ride up left my stomach on the main floor. Like riding in a hot air balloon, I watched the world below grow smaller as we lifted.

Floor four. Now where? I pushed the stroller to my left, but saw only a string of closed doors. I continued looking for the letter D, or Doctor Sharpe’s name. I walked the full perimeter returning to the elevator. Caitlin squirmed in her seat. “Mommy, I want to walk.”

“No, Caity-Cat, let’s find the doctor’s office first.” I wiped away the sweat along my hairline.

Caitlin slumped in her seat and sulked. Down the elevator again. I looked around. Caitlin pointed upward. Over one large gateway I saw the initial D. Perhaps I should be there? I walked towards the gate, stripping my coat off on the way.

I looked at the wall map in the main foyer, but couldn’t make sense of it. There were no “you are here” arrows like they have on mall maps. I eyed a lineup of people at the end of the hall, waiting for a different elevator. An orange band of string blocked the stairwell. I could hear construction noises coming from further down the hall. Caitlin and I joined the handful of people in line for the elevator. No one spoke, no chitchat, no laughter. Everyone looked straight ahead. The elevator came and we loaded on. I could feel a bead of sweat roll down the centre of my back.

Fourth floor. We got off. Now this looked more like a hospital. Sterile, white walls. No photos, no music. No people. Where is everyone?

Approaching what looked like a reception desk, I rang the little bell. A four-foot-ten woman came out from behind a door, wiping her face with a paper napkin. Obviously I had disturbed her lunch.

“Hi. I’m here to see Dr. Sharpe.”

“He’s on lunch.” She picked at her teeth with the nail of her baby finger.

“Yes, our appointment is for one o’clock.”

“I’ll let him know you’re here. Just wait over there.” She pointed to a small room.

Inside the room were two white chairs and a white coffee table. The window looked out onto a brick wall. The room smelled like chlorine bleach. I wonder where they keep the straight jackets.

My lower lip trembled. Keep it together. Don’t lose it now, Heather. Dear God, if You’re there, I need help. My inner cry, mixed with panic, left my throat dry.

Just then, the door opened and a nurse with a roundish face and nut-brown hair stepped in.

“Hello, I’m Nurse Barb,” she said with authority. “You must be Ms. Williams and this darling must be Caitlin.” She bent down to look into her eyes.

Caitlin smiled, “Hey, you have green eyes, just like me.”

“And how old are you?”

“I’m four and a half.”

“Well then, Miss Caitlin, four-and-a-half, nice to meet you.” She held out her hand.

Caitlin looked at it and finally took it in her own. I liked the way she put Caitlin at ease.

“Well, let’s take you down to meet the doctor, okay?” She led us to another small room at the end of the corridor. On the way, she held Caitlin’s hand, and explained to me the process of examination.

“We will be examining both the vagina and anus. We will be looking for any cuts or scratches. Also, we will be taking photographs of the area. For the first part of the exam, we ask that you not be in the room,” she said quietly.

At my frightened look, she reassured me that this was standard procedure and that there would be two other nurses in the room. She stopped in front of the door and told me that I could rejoin them for the photographs later. Caitlin gave a weak wave and moved toward the nurse who held out puppets for her to play with. I gave her the thumbs-up sign.

I turned and walked down the hall. The lunch-lady receptionist sat upright at her post. Seeing her, I suddenly remembered my keys and asked if she could help me out. She rolled her eyes, but conceded and called a locksmith.

The clock on the wall ticked each second with excruciating slowness. Finally, the examination door opened again. Puppet-nurse waved at me to come in. Caitlin sat on the table giggling with the doctor. She looked over to me.

“Hi, Mommy. They’re going to take pictures now.”

Pinpricks of ice needled my flesh. My daughter’s attitude stunned me. Caitlin took this all in stride, as if we did this on a weekly basis. Obviously the staff here dealt with these situations all the time and knew how to make kids feel at ease. Me, I held my tongue, afraid that if I uttered any word, it’d come out in a wail. I held her hand for support – for my own support as much as for hers.

“Okay Caitlin, please flip over on your hands and knees.” The camera moved mechanically in place. Click, click.

I grimaced. I couldn’t bear to see my little girl in this position. Click, click. Why did they allow me in for this? Why did they think this was okay for me to see? Click, click. The knots in my stomach tightened.

Many photos later they finally told us that Caitlin could get dressed. Puppet-nurse took Caitlin into another room full of play toys.

The doctor invited me to his office. He looked up over the tops of his rectangular, frameless glasses. His teeth were white and square. He smelled good – like a freshly sliced pear.

“Ms. Williams, your daughter showed no bruises or evidence of physical force.”

He waited for me to respond. “Good,” was all I could think of to say.

“Yes, but not surprising. The use of physical force is rarely necessary to engage a child in sexual activity because children are trusting and dependent.”

I frowned in puzzlement.

The doctor continued, “We won’t have the results right away, but at this point I can say that there was no penetration.”

My mouth dropped into fly-catching position. Joy, fear, relief, confusion all at the same time. “What does this mean?”

“He didn’t use his penis to penetrate, however, it does not exclude using other things like his fingers.”

“That’s good, right?” My eyes filled and I had to look up to contain the pooling water.

His voice grew strained. “Yes, of course. Your daughter did not have sexual intercourse. However, without penetration it will be next to impossible to criminally charge him.”

“Oh.” The air rushed out of my lungs.

“Have you been to the police yet?”

I tried to suppress the trill of emotion in my voice. “No, should I?”

“Yes, of course.”

“I’ll book an appointment.”

With this, the doctor stood up and shook my hand. I needed a hug, not a handshake. Deflated, I left to find Caitlin. “Come on, Caitlin. We have to meet the tow truck guy.” I gave her a hug. Oh Lord, I don’t want to let go. I never want to let go.

Chapter 6

2009-09-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

The following day when Caitlin and I went to see Sergeant Wallace at the police station, the first thing he did was pull a tape recorder out of his desk. A large man with white hair and capped teeth, he was dressed in a short-sleeved shirt with blue slacks. “We videotape and audiotape all meetings,” he told me. He glanced over at Caitlin who was playing with the toys provided for visiting children in front of what was obviously a two-way mirror. A female police officer, in her mid-40’s with too much eye shadow, introduced herself as Constable Shirley and sat quietly in the corner.

I gulped, feeling as if somehow I was guilty; someone who needed to defend herself.

Sergeant Wallace pulled out a pad of lined paper and a pen. He leaned over the recorder and said, “Sergeant Wallace speaking with Heather Williams. It is Tuesday, September 10.” He sat back up and turned to me. “Okay, go ahead. Tell me what happened. Start from the top.”

My mouth went dry. How do I start? I wondered. “Well, um a few days ago a neighbor friend told me,” I paused. “She told me that Caitlin, my daughter, well she told me that Caitlin…” I couldn’t finish.

I twisted in my chair, uncomfortable and aware of the red blinking light of the video camera in the corner and the scratch of Sergeant Wallace’s pen as he scribbled his notes.

I leaned in and asked, “Should my daughter be hearing this?” I had sheltered her from all talk of the abuse since she disclosed it.

Constable Shirley stood and offered to take Caitlin to another room. I nodded and said, “Caitlin, please take your toys and go with the constable.” Caitlin gathered up her things and obediently went with the smiling officer.

Sergeant Wallace continued, “You were saying?”

“Yes. Well, Donna told me that when she was babysitting the kids one day she...”

He interrupted, “Who’s Donna?”

“My daycare provider. The woman Caitlin disclosed to. Well anyways, one day Donna was babysitting and two boys started to fight.”

“Your boys?”

“No, I have only my daughter. Donna babysits for people in our apartment building.” I continued, “Donna separated them and said, ‘No fighting. No one should hurt anyone else.’ At this point, my daughter said, ‘My daddy hurts me.’” I stopped.

My throat constricted and my tongue expanded within my mouth.

“Would you like some water?”

I nodded and watched Sergeant Wallace walk out of the room. Returning moments later, he handed me a Styrofoam cup filled with ice cold water. I took a long swallow.

“Go on, please.”

“Well, Donna, my babysitter, she took Caitlin aside and corrected her. ‘Your daddy doesn’t hurt you’. But Caitlin said, ‘Yes he does’.”

My eyes started to sting and my nose tickled, but I continued, “Then Donna gave Caitlin a doll and asked her to show how he hurt her – using the doll. Caitlin poked her finger between the legs of the doll and said, ‘Like this.’”

At this, a cry escaped my lips. I covered my face with my hands. “He touched her in her privates. He violated my baby.” My moans became sobs.

Sergeant Wallace turned off the tape recorder and leaned forward. He said nothing but his deep hazel eyes softened. Then almost in a whisper he explained that he would have to talk with Caitlin without me in the room. He offered a tissue.

“Of course,” I managed.

I wiped my eyes, fanned my face, and took a deep breath. Caitlin must not see me like this. I stood, pressed my shoulders back and pulled myself together.

Caitlin returned with a quick, “Hi, Mommy,” obviously content to be led from room to room. I shuffled back to the outside room to wait once again.

The agony of the wait was palpable. The cringing pains in my stomach folded me over in my chair, and twice I had to swallow hard to push down rising bile.

The clock ticked the minutes away. Caitlin sat behind that closed door for a full fifteen minutes. How was she holding up in there? Were they drilling her with questions? Were they making her cry? Were they accusing her of lying? I felt helpless to protect my baby. Oh God, help her. I can’t be in there with her. God do You hear me?

The door swung open and Caitlin walked over to me. “Hi, Mommy.”

I looked up and dropped my hands away from my face. She’s all right. She’s happy.

Sergeant Wallace shifted from one foot to the other. He glanced at his watch, then tapped my shoulder as he turned his back to Caitlin, “We have enough evidence to pull Rod in for an interview and polygraph test. But not enough for a criminal conviction at this point. We’ll need to interview Donna, of course, but mainly we’ll have to rely on the tests from the hospital.”

My heart fell. “So now what?”

“Get yourself a good lawyer.”

**

Once we were back at the apartment, I pulled out the list of lawyer phone numbers Megan Schwartz, the C.A.S. intake worker, had given me. I picked a name, Eunice Turner, and booked an appointment for later that day. On my way to the lawyer’s office, I dropped Caitlin off at my mother’s. It would be good for her to spend time with her grandparents after such a meeting.

When I got to Ms. Turner’s office, she was sitting at a small round table waiting for me. She dressed in all black, with midnight black hair and ivory skin. I noted a single dark mustache hair over her upper lip.

“You come highly recommended,” I said, sitting in the chair she indicated. My voice was strong, but the inflection at the end of the sentence made it sound like a question.

The office had no windows. It smelled like geraniums. I began to feel claustrophobic. The walls were lined with plaques, awards, and a few pictures of the founders of the firm. Looking down at my russet slacks and plain white v-neck and fleece vest, I wondered if I had underdressed for this meeting.

Ms. Turner, preoccupied with the contents of her briefcase, asked, “Yes, well, how do you think I can help you?”

Anger raced up my throat. I explained my situation as calmly as I could. But how do I coolly state that my daughter disclosed that her father abused her but there’s not enough physical evidence to criminally charge him? I feebly said, “I need to protect her.”

“Yes, well,” Ms. Turner didn’t even look me in the eye. “I have a very busy case load. And my rate is $250.00 per hour. You would have to provide a retainer of a thousand dollars before I could open a file.”

I should have thanked her right then and left. But I was desperate. And she was a woman – somehow I thought she might better understand my pain.

I said, “Is cash okay?”

“Fine, fine. My next available appointment is a week from Thursday. The nineteenth at 10:00 a.m. I’ll see you then.”

I felt as if the bottom had dropped out of my stomach. “Thank you, Ms. Turner.” I stood and left the lawyer’s office.

Chapter 7

2009-09-19T16:46:00.002-07:00

Wednesday morning, I readied Caitlin for her first day of senior kindergarten and waved when she smiled from the front seat of the bus. She liked school and I was relieved to learn that Caitlin would have Miss Simmons again; the same teacher she’d loved and trusted last year. I tucked a note into Caitlin’s bag to set up a meeting with Miss Simmons.

I fought the urge to turn into the apartment, pull the blind, and crawl back into bed. I wanted to sleep the day away. But I knew that if I didn’t go to this women’s group-thingy as I’d promised Mom, she’d nag me about it. At least if I went now, it would keep her quiet for a few weeks.

I buttoned my jacket and walked up the street toward the church where the meeting was being held. I turned into the gravel parking lot as I peered skyward in search of clouds, but found only a brilliant wash of blue. The Lighthouse Christian Assembly Church was tastefully garnished with small trees and shrubs. The front sign caught my eye. It read:

Seven days without prayer makes one weak.

I walked towards the door, which swung open as if by magic.

“Good morning. Welcome to Women’s Coffee Break.”

A woman, built like a fire hydrant, held the door open for me. I managed a hello. The woman patted my arm. “Just hang your coat there, Dearie,” she said, indicating a coat rack to my right. “Then go straight through the doors to the meeting room.”

I did as I was told. When I entered the meeting room, I saw six tables with groups of women sitting around each. The place was abuzz with conversation and laughter. At the far end, a piano stood with an overhead projector screen beside it and a table loaded with treats. I could smell coffee and started over to fill a cup. A tall, slender woman with even teeth and strong features approached.

“Welcome,” she said. She extended her hand and clasped her left hand over mine. “I’m Rebecca, the coordinator of Women’s Coffee Break. We’re so glad you could join us. Come, come meet some friends.”

She led me from table to table, introducing me to each woman. Some women had accents, some had white hair, and some had little babies sitting on their laps. I guessed there must have been over fifty women gathered, ranging in age from early twenties to retirees. What a mix.

Rebecca led me to an empty seat at the table near the window. I was a little overwhelmed by the chatty group at the table. But I hadn’t sat there long before Rebecca announced that we were to stand and sing.

Sing? I thought I’d come to hear a presentation.

I hadn’t sung since I attended church with my parents. A woman, knee-deep in her seventies, sat down on the bench in front of the piano. Rebecca put an overhead on the projector and the words to the first song filled the wall.

Jesus, Savior, pilot me, Over life’s tempestuous sea;
Unknown waves before me roll, Hiding rocks and treach’rous shoal;
Chart and compass came from Thee – Jesus, Savior, pilot me!

After a brief solo by the pianist, everyone started singing together. I contented myself with listening. After the first song, the leader posted another. A wave of grief washed over me.

Give to the winds Thy fears;
Hope and be undismayed;
God hears Thy sighs and counts Thy tears,
God shall lift up Thy head.

As I struggled to compose myself the group changed to a more upbeat song. I recognized this one from my childhood church days.

Go, tell it on the mountain, Over the hills and everywhere;
Go, tell it on the mountain, That Jesus Christ is born!

All the songs were about God. What have I got myself into? After the group had sung the last song, we were asked to bow our heads in prayer. Rebecca opened with a prayer of thanks for the glorious day and the women gathered. Then she prayed a special blessing over the speaker. We were invited to sit down.

The horticulturist, a butterball of a man, talked about rootings and cuttings, and made me laugh with his jokes. During question period, I boldly asked him about a window box and he gave me some great ideas for a container garden for the upcoming winter season. After his presentation, a woman closed in prayer.

I looked up at the clock; 11:30. Wow, the time had gone fast. We were invited back next week for a speaker discussing nutrition. I nodded my approval and interest.

Rebecca placed a hand on my shoulder. “We do hope you’ll come back again next week, Dearie.”

“I’d like to, but I can’t promise.”

Once outside, I found the brilliance of the day matched my mood. Was I actually happy? The sensation left me unnerved. I had been so mired in gloom and fear these past days that feeling good felt foreign. I was looking forward to hearing how Caitlin’s first day back to school had turned out.

Chapter 8

2009-09-19T16:46:00.001-07:00

I read the name on the paper that Megan Schwartz, the C.A.S. intake worker, had given me; “Play and art therapist – Bradley Booth.” I dialed his number. A warm voice came on the line, “Hello, you’ve reached the Booth home. No one is available to take your call so please leave a message at the tone. If you are calling for Bradley, I’m sorry but I’m not taking on new clients. Have a good day.”

Caught off guard by his message I drew a blank and quickly hung up. Not taking new clients? But he has to. My daughter is too young to go to a clinical psychologist. I want her to get help from someone who can play with her. I want her to like being with a man and not transfer her fears to all males. I don’t want to frighten her anymore by taking her to some hospital where a cold person in a white jacket will psychoanalyze her.

I clutched my throat in distress. I picked up the phone again. Dear God, I need this.

The answering machine picked up again after four rings. “Hello, Mr. Booth? My name is Heather Williams. My daughter has recently disclosed that she has been sexually abused. I realize you’re not taking on new clients, but please make an exception.” I gave him my phone number, let out a breath and put the receiver down.

Just then, the phone rang. Really, could my prayer be answered that quickly?

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Heather Williams?”

“Yes.”

“Hi, Heather. My name is Kathy Stammus. I’m the Social Worker from Children’s Aid Society assigned to your case.”

“I thought Megan Schwartz was.”

“No, no. Megan was the Intake Worker. I’m the Case Worker.”

“Oh, thank goodness.” I let that slip out too quickly. “Will we be meeting?” I asked before she could absorb my first comment.

“Yes. When is a good time for you?”

Wow, everyone else just told me when to meet. This woman is asking me. “I’m open tomorrow morning. Is this okay with you?” I asked.

“Let’s see…Friday. How’s ten?”

“That’s wonderful. Do I need to bring anything?”

“Just yourself. See you then.”

I let the air out of my lungs, whew. A small smile crept over my face and I gave a little spin in the room on my way to my daytimer. Blue-Casey took this as an invitation to play and ran sideways to get his favorite toy from under the couch. He brought the little stuffed monkey and dropped it at my feet. I threw it across the room and turned back to the telephone. Feeling strong, I dialed the play and art therapist again. Mr. Booth picked up after only one ring.

“Hello, Mr. Booth? It’s Heather Williams calling.”

“Yes, hello. Please call me Bradley.”

“Bradley. Hi, sorry to be bothering you but I need to see you. I mean my daughter does.” I caught my breath and continued, “Caitlin recently told a neighbor that her father sexually abused her. I don’t know where else to turn.” I had to stop and compose myself.

Bradley coughed. “As you know, I’m not taking on new patients.”

“Oh, Mr. Booth. I am utterly desperate. My daughter is only in kindergarten.” I choked back my tears.

“It was you who had left the message earlier, yes?” He paused. “In light of your daughter’s age, I’m willing to make an exception in this case.”

I let out my breath. “Oh, thank you.”

I could hear pages flipping. “I can meet with her this coming Monday at four. Is this okay?”

I leaned back in my seat, “We’ll be there. Monday, September 16 at four. Thank you.”

I held the receiver at arm’s length and studied it for a long moment before hanging up. There seemed to be a glimmer of hope in my dismal world.

Caitlin was still in bed so I filled up my coffee and decided to take this time to turn on the computer and do some research on abuse. I googled the words “sexual abuse” but 24,800,000 websites came up. I tried again with “child sexual abuse” and landed 8,390,000. I tried one last time and typed in “child sexual abuse + incest” and received 594 websites on this topic. A quick scan made my stomach sore.

I was shocked to see the number of resources and books written on the topic called the “secret trauma”. I learned that sexual abuse of children was far more prevalent than most people realize. At least 25% of the adult population of this country has been molested as children. 25% of girls were molested before the age of sixteen. At least twenty-seven million females were current or future adult survivors of child sexual abuse. That means that out of all those women sitting at the Women’s Coffee Break, twelve of them will have been abused.

I had no idea.

I gasped to read the next part. Incest was the most common form of child abuse.

I continued reading until I heard a small “ping” announcing I had email. I closed out the research page and opened up my emails. It felt like ages since I “talked” to friends on the Internet. I deleted all the junk mail and chain letters and responded to a few messages from close friends.

The last message I opened was from Janice. “Hi Sissy. I’ve been praying for you but I also wanted to “pray by email”, so you can read some of what I’ll be praying.

May Jesus fill you with unbelievable strength, and may justice not be thwarted.

I pray that truth will be evident,
and healing would be the testimony of your child.

I pray that bitterness would not settle in,
but rather that energy would be directed in a positive way.

I pray that out of your own heartache, heart healing would occur,
and you would come into a season of peace and rest.

May Jesus protect the path you are to walk,
and may He direct your steps and those of your child,
so that beauty and joy will be the result of your suffering
and may this happen soon,
yes even immediately.

Dear Jesus, I call out to You with tears and anguish of heart
that You would rescue my sister and her child.

Please deliver them, and grant that justice would not be thwarted,
and even in Your display of justice, show mercy.

Let mercy be the testimony of Caitlin and Heather;
may they feel your love and mercy flowing through them –
make Yourself known, O God, I pray.

Amen.

Janice continued in her message, “How can I express my love for you, Heather? Even as I write, I write through tears – I don’t have the words. I hope the spirit with which I’ve prayed will minister to you and Caitlin. Love Janice.”

I decided to print this email.

Taking a gulp of coffee, I leaned my chair back far enough to look out the window. Blue-Casey was splayed out on the windowsill. Over him, I could see the sparkle of the morning sun on the water. It looked like a lake of a million diamonds. I finished the last drops of coffee, turned off my computer and went to check on Caitlin.

Chapter 9

2009-09-19T16:45:00.000-07:00

As I entered the building, I heard a familiar greeting. “Children’s Aid Society. How may I direct your call? One moment, please.” Ah yes, the automated receptionist. She raised her eyebrows as she looked up from her desk.

“Heather Williams to see Kathy Stammus.” She nodded and cocked her head toward the row of chairs. I took a seat and pulled out a few pamphlets: Children and Self-Esteem, Separation and Divorce, Healing the Damage of Abuse. I opened the first pamphlet, but didn’t get past the front page when a young woman approached.

“Ms. Williams?”

“Yes. You must be Kathy.” I stood. “Call me Heather.”

Kathy smiled. “Hi, Heather,” she gave my hand a firm shake. She then extended her hand in the direction of a corner office. “Please come with me. You’ll find this building somewhat confusing with all the hallways. We’ll meet in there.” I followed her in and shut the door behind me.

“Please, have a seat.” She gestured to the round table in the centre of the room.

Kathy wore a plaid skirt with a cream colored blouse and sensible shoes. Her brown eyes contrasted nicely with her blonde, curling hair, brushed back behind her ears. She placed the file she was carrying on the table in front of us and took the seat right beside me.

“I understand that you’ve seen a doctor and been to the hospital?” She patted the thick file.

“Yes. But it wasn’t for me. It was for my daughter.” I wasn’t sure how much she already knew.

“Yes, Caitlin, right?”

I was impressed. I updated her on what had happened since I’d come in to see the intake worker.
“It seems like you have things well under control.”

Yes, it may seem that way but I haven’t a clue what I’m doing. “Truthfully, I’m just following orders.” I gave her a weak smile.

“I know this isn’t easy, Heather. But you’re doing the right thing. Unfortunately, a parent is the abuser in 40% of child sexual abuse cases. You’ve done the right thing in believing your daughter. In most circumstances, children don’t lie about abuse. But many mothers can’t advocate on behalf of their children half as well as you have.”

I could only nod in agreement. If I spoke, my voice might crack and give away the fake impression that I had it all together.

“As you know,” Kathy said, “we’re here to ensure that the best interest of the child is served. Since the incident has been reported we’ve been conducting our own investigation into the allegations. Although there is no physical evidence, we here at the Society plan to order supervision for a period of one year. At the end of that time, the situation will be reviewed.”

“So Rod will still have visits with Caitlin?”

“Yes, but we are recommending that they’ll not be overnight visits and they’ll be supervised.”

“By whom?”

“We understand that Rod’s half-sister, Deana, lives in the area. She’s willing to supervise.”

“Deana?” My stomach did a leap. My ex-sister-in-law and I never had seen eye to eye.

“Do you have a problem with her?” Kathy asked earnestly.

I couldn’t think of whom else would be available. Rod’s parents still lived in Germany. My parents couldn’t stand to even say Rod’s name, let alone spend an entire day with him. Janice lived too far away. All Rod’s co-workers were too young to handle such a responsibility. “Does it have to be someone we know?”

“Ideally, we feel it would be in Caitlin’s best interest if it were a family member conducting the supervision. Do you have a lawyer yet?”

“Yes. Ms. Turner.”

“I’ll fax our copy of the Plan of Care to your lawyer to take to Family Court.”

I was surprised. “We still need to go to court?”

“Yes, your lawyer can explain it to you in detail, but generally each party puts forward a Plan of Care and Settlement Offer. The judge then makes a decision based on the Society’s Plan of Care, as well as that of the mother’s and the father’s offers.”

I wished that I had brought someone with me to take notes. “Is there anything else?”

“Yes, I will need to visit your home.”

The hair on my neck rose. “What for?”

“It’s just standard procedure. Again, we want to ensure that the child is cared for.”

“Of course. I suppose I’ll have to dust now.” My feeble attempt at a joke made Kathy smile.

“Please don’t on my account.” She leaned in and added, “You should see the dust bunnies under my couch. If I don’t get rid of them soon, they’ll take over my living room.”

I laughed, appreciative of Kathy’s down-to-earth humor. We booked Tuesday, September 17 for a visit and she led me back through the maze to the front doors.

I started to feel better about this white building. These people were on my side. They had my daughter’s best interests in mind.

I looked at my watch and realized that I had to hurry home and get ready for work. All these extra appointments really had me running.

**

I arrived at the dental clinic a little out of breath, threw my coat on the rack, and rushed behind the reception desk to answer the phone, “Good afternoon. Lakeside Dental Clinic. Heather speaking.” I cancelled Ms. Peter’s appointment and rescheduled her into next week.

Connie caught me off guard, “Does Rod know that you know?” As my co-worker, she liked to keep on top of everyone’s life at the clinic. A frantic feeling spread through me like a cup of cold water on an empty stomach.

“What?” I stalled for time.

Connie lowered her chin and looked over her reading glasses. She raised her eyebrows and tilted her head, clearly not willing to repeat the question. “I was talking to your mother and she told me everything.”

“Seriously! I can’t believe Mom told you that.” Pretending to be busy inputting client information into the computer I gave in, “He seemed unusually nervous the last weekend when he brought Caitlin home from their regular visit. He wouldn’t meet my eyes. I didn’t think much of his behavior at the time. Now I wonder.”

I didn’t like to talk with Connie about my personal life, but she had a way of asking questions I couldn’t avoid. I wished that a patient had turned on the television in the waiting area. Where was that remote?

“Is Caitlin supposed to see him this weekend?” She didn’t wait for a response but continued, “You could just say, ‘No, you cannot take my precious daughter, you monster. No, I will not let you even come close to hurting her again.’” Connie didn’t even try to hide her hatred towards my ex.

I thought about what she said. “But could I do this? What if he demanded to see her? No charges have been laid. He still has visitation rights with her.”

“So! If I were you I wouldn’t let him. Why don’t you take her away? You could go to your sister’s place. He can’t order you to let him visit Caitlin, can he?”

Sometimes I just hated Connie’s questions. “I guess I could run to Janice. I’m sure she’d let us stay there.” She’s always had an open door.

“But then if he tracked you down, he could take Caitlin and have you thrown in jail for kidnapping.”

“Thanks, Connie,” I said, my words dripping with sarcasm. But what if she was right? What if he got full custody? What if I couldn’t see my daughter anymore? The room spun. Get a hold of yourself, Heather.

Chapter 10

2009-09-19T16:44:00.002-07:00

Relief flooded through me as Dr. Mott stepped into the reception office. A ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. His shoulders were wide. His stomach flat. His arms lean and muscled. Dr. Mott’s eyes sparkled when he said my name, “Good afternoon, Heather.”

“Hello, Bill. Did you have a nice lunch?” I smiled up at my boss. His caramel colored hair fell in his eyes, and he brushed it away absentmindedly. My heart thumped in response.

He gave me a lazy look up and down. “Great. I tried out that new restaurant downtown; you know the one, Samson’s Bistro. I’d recommend it.” He broke into a slow smile. “What’s on the books for this afternoon?”

I looked at the appointment book and told him what to expect.

Always happy for Dr. Mott’s interruption, I felt especially indebted today. When he left, Connie clicked busily at her computer. Thinking of our conversation, I felt acid drip in my stomach. I had just started my shift and already I wanted to go home.

“Bet you’d like Bill to take you to Samson’s Bistro,” Connie whispered.

“Connie!” My face flushed. How did she do it?

Looking up, I saw Mr. Hill enter. “Hi John. Dr. Mott is ready for you. Quick appointment in and out. You’ll be able to get back to work right away.”

“Thanks, Heather.” Mr. Hill continued down the hall to where Gail was waiting.

A young woman returned from the same location and approached Connie’s desk. “Jacquie, your insurance only covers up to $200.00 Owing is $191.96.”

“Gee, you’re more painful than he is,” Jacquie said, throwing her thumb over her shoulder.

“Yeah, I hear that a lot. In there, you’re fine, but once you come out to me, that’s another story.”

Jacquie giggled as she signed her credit card slip.

“Alright, we should see you back in a week? One week would be next Friday, September 20. How’s 1:30 again?”

“That’s fine,” Jacquie said taking her receipt. “See you next week.” She turned to me and said, “Bye, Heather.”

The phone rang. I gave a little wave and picked up the phone. “Good afternoon, Lakeside Dental Clinic. Heather speaking.”

“Heather, it’s Donna. You know I hate to bother you at work, but I think that Caitlin may have chicken pox.”

“Chicken pox?” I said it loud enough for Connie to look up from her desk.

“Yes, her cheeks are flushed and she has dark circles under her eyes. Her temperature registered 100 degrees. I saw a few red bumps on her stomach and more under her armpits and on her back. I can handle her for the rest of this afternoon, but you’re going to need to pick up some medication for this weekend.”

“Yes, of course. Thanks, Donna. I’ll be home at four-thirty.”

Connie looked happy. “What?” I asked trying to hold back my agitation.

“Chicken pox. There’s your answer.”

Connie exasperated me at times. “What are you talking about?”

“Chicken pox! Don’t you get it? She can’t go anywhere. You can cancel this weekend visit because she has chicken pox. You don’t have to run and hide. You have an excuse.” Then turning to her computer, she added, “Someone is looking out for you.”

**

That evening, after I put Caitlin to bed, I sat cradling the phone in my hands. Could I make the call? My stomach curdled. I knew that he would be out at the pub, but what if he answers his mobile? I must be one for the few remaining people under forty who still doesn’t have a cell phone. I felt like a fish in a seagull’s mouth. I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders and dialed his number. It rang once.

“Hello?” a woman’s sultry voice answered.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I was calling for Rod.”

“He’s busy right now. Can I take a message?”

My mouth suddenly felt stuffed with cotton. “Umm, yes. Can you tell him that Caitlin has the chicken pox and won’t be available for a weekend visit.”

“Oh? Okay, I’ll let him know.”

“Thanks, goodbye.” Whew. I threw the phone on the floor and stared at it. How could I face him ever again? Does he know that I know? Have the police been to see him?

Chapter 11

2009-09-19T16:44:00.001-07:00

I looked forward to Monday at 4:00 with great expectation. I had no idea what was in store for Caitlin, but I sensed that it would be good. Caitlin seemed fine after a weekend of warm baths, medicine, and lots of sleep. Although she still had chicken pox, there was no way that I would cancel this meeting.

Traveling up Bradley’s long driveway was like entering a different world. Leaves danced in the breeze. Bossy chickadees flitted from branch to branch. The battle cry of a blue jay scattered a flock of chatty sparrows and the squirrels played tag throughout the treetops. A small orchard of stately dwarf apple trees created a shelter from the busyness of the city. A whimsical violet board-and-batten garage accented the charming A-frame home.

I parked the Jeep and held Caitlin’s hand as we approached the front door. An old dog lazed on the walkway, thumping his tail on the hand-laid stone. Caitlin bent down to pet the dog as he offered his belly for a rub. Taking hold of the heavy doorknocker, I lifted it from its hinge and knocked against the rustic red wooden door. The door opened and Bradley greeted us with a friendly bellow. “Hello!”

Bradley towered over us. His graying light brown hair tumbled in unruly locks over his forehead. His shorts showed hairy calves and he sported a white golf shirt. This man is a doctor? I thought, calmed by his unclinical-like appearance.

“Good afternoon. Come in, come in. You must be Heather and Caitlin. I’m Bradley.” He waved us past him.

Once inside, my eyes adjusted to the light. Posters of different colors and sizes, obviously painted by children, decorated the walls in front of me. A shelf held an antique dollhouse and a variety of porcelain dolls. An arched doorway led to a smaller room. Bradley invited us in.

“Caitlin, you can play in here while I talk with your mom. After we’ve talked, you and I can play. You can decide whether you want your mom to stay or not. Okay?” He smiled wide enough to see the gap between his two front teeth.

Caitlin’s eyes widened as she took in the scene in front of her. Floor to ceiling shelves held a variety of small toys and objects – plastic animals, yellow trucks, leafy plants, porcelain angels, stuffed dolls. Plastic, glass, rubber and papier-mâché. Almost every imaginable toy. A bulky sandbox took up the centre of the room. Caitlin went straight for the plastic animals. She pulled a large elephant and one baby elephant off the shelf and plunked them in the sandbox.

“That’s it, Caitlin. You can play with anything in this room.”

Caitlin looked to me as if to ask, “Can this be true?” Pleased for her, I confirmed with a smile and nod.

Bradley stepped back into the hallway and I followed. He stopped and turned to face me.

“I will be working with Caitlin mainly in this room, although we may go upstairs to the studio to do painting or play with the puppets. The premise behind play and art therapy is that a child can better express how they are feeling by acting it out with their toys. Play helps them to make sense of their world. Many children don’t have a strong enough grasp of language to express themselves the way they need, and many times they aren’t even aware of how they truly feel. Play helps them to express complex emotions. Is there anything you’d like to tell me?”

Yes, yes. I’d like to tell you that I’m living in hell these days; my personal hell. I’d like to tell you that I’m lost in all this – confused and upset. I’d like to stay here myself and play all day and never go home.

Instead, I turned my back to Caitlin as I told him about what had happened in the last two weeks.

Bradley’s jovial smile faded. He nodded as if he’d heard the story too many times before. “Children are resilient. She’ll get through this. You’ll both get through this.”

“Well, Caitlin,” he re-entered the room, “would you like your mom to stay or to leave and come back later?”

“I want mommy to stay.” Caitlin didn’t even look up from her world of animals.

“Okay, Heather, you're welcome to stay in this room or spend time in the library."

"I'll be right next door in the library Caity-Cat."

I sat on a low stool and tried to listen in on Caitlin and Bradley's "play" in the next room. I realized the hour had flown by when another car pulled up and Bradley announced that his next appointment had arrived. He pulled out his pocket daytimer and asked if we could come back again at the same time in two weeks.

Caitlin looked up with pleading eyes. “Of course, that would be fine,” I said.

Caitlin smiled and said to Bradley, “See you again soon!”

Bradley answered, “I’m looking forward to it.”

Chapter 12

2009-09-19T16:42:00.002-07:00

I glanced at the clock as the intercom buzzer sounded. Kathy Stammus was right on time.

“Kathy?”

“Yes!” came back her cheery reply.

“Caitlin’s still sleeping, so knock softly.”

“Alright.”

I buzzed the downstairs door to let her in. Moments later, she quietly knocked. Kathy’s hair was wrapped in a thick coil on the back of her head. Her gaze was direct and friendly.

“Come in, Kathy. Did you have any trouble finding us?” I gestured her in towards the sofa.

“No, I’ve lived in Holland all my life and do quite a few home visits. I know the area well.”

“Oh,” I glanced around anxiously. The magazines were stacked neatly on the coffee table and the coaster was waiting. “Can I offer you a coffee or tea?”

“Yeah, tea would be great, thanks.” Sitting at the couch Kathy looked around the small apartment.

I put the kettle on to boil, searched the cupboard for some breakfast cookies, and put them on a tray with the milk and sugar bowls. Blue-Casey trailed me around the kitchen. “Sorry, I let Caitlin sleep in when it’s not a school day.”

Kathy reached into her briefcase and pulled out a file folder. She pushed aside the magazines and opened it. “I need to take some notes,” she apologized. Once the water boiled, I returned from the kitchen with the tea and plate of cookies.

“So, Caitlin’s in school half-time?”

“Yes, she’s in senior kindergarten and goes to school on Mondays, Wednesdays and alternate Fridays.”

Kathy continued. “You have joint custody with Rod – you having primary residency, right?”

“Yes, she visits with him every other weekend.”

“How long have you and Caitlin lived here?” Kathy asked before taking a sip of her tea.

“We moved in after Rod and I separated.” I said, sitting down in the rocking chair. “I wanted to be somewhere close enough to walk to work and also keep Caitlin at the same school. We like it a lot. The other people in the apartment are really sweet. Lots of older couples.”

She nodded encouragement as she wrote. “Where does Rod live now?”

“He doesn’t really have a permanent address. As far as I know he stays at friends’ places or his sister’s home.”

“Can I ask why you and Rod broke up?”

“We had a difference of opinion,” I said. “I thought we should be together forever and he thought nine years was long enough.”

Kathy scratched notes quickly between bites of her cookie. Just then, Caitlin appeared at the end of the hall, clutching her teddy bear. Her hair was unruly, her face sleepy; she looked like a baby mole. She yawned.

“Mommy?” she asked. Caitlin shuffled over to me, keeping her eyes on the floor.

“Hi, Caity-Cat.” I responded lightly to reassure her and lifted her into my lap. “Caitlin, this is Kathy Stammus. She’s going to visit with us this morning.”

Caitlin eyed Kathy carefully then turned slowly back to me. “She’s a little shy and quiet when she first wakes,” I added.

Kathy lowered her chin and gave me an all-knowing look. “Well, you sure have a nice bear there. What’s his name, Caitlin?” Caitlin just touched her curls and looked down at the floor. Kathy tried a different tack. “Mind if I look around? Caitlin would you show me your bedroom?” Caitlin shrugged and I interpreted for her, “Sure, go ahead.”

While Caitlin took Kathy for a quick look around her bedroom, I set out a bowl of Cheerios for her.

Kathy returned to her seat on the couch, only to find Blue-Casey sprawled on top of her notes. “And who do we have here?”

I shooed Blue-Casey off the papers and apologized, “So sorry. This is Blue-Casey. He loves to lie on papers.”

“Blue-Casey? What an interesting name. Where did it come from?”

“Well, simply because he’s a Russian Blue cat that looks blue; Caitlin wanted to call him Blue. But
I wanted to call him Casey. So we compromised and combined his name. It suits him, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, he seems to be a character. It almost looks as if he’s smiling.” Kathy wrote a few more notes and then asked me, “Do you have any questions for me?”

“How long do you have?” I said with a weak smile. “This is all so foreign to me, I really don’t know where to start.”

“Were you able to get counseling for Caitlin and yourself?”

“Yes! I was thrilled when I got an appointment with Bradley Booth on Monday.”

“That’s wonderful.” Kathy’s smile was warm and genuine. “He’s a great therapist. I’ve heard nothing but good things about him. He’s helped a number of our kids. What about for yourself?”

I felt my face flush. I’m a parent first, then a person. “No, I haven’t really had time,” I faltered. “But I do journal.”

“Writing about your experience is good. But you may also want to consider counselling.” Kathy reached into her briefcase and pulled out a business card. “This is the number for the Holland Counseling Service. They specialize in these sorts of cases.”

“Thanks. I’ll think about it.” I took the card.

Kathy finished her tea and put her cup down on the empty cookie plate. “Well, I won’t take any more of your time. I’m sure you and Caitlin have plans today.”

“That’s it? I thought you were coming over to interrogate me,” I said with a laugh.

“No, just a formality really. I need to ensure that you have a safe and stable home for your child. Your apartment obviously has adequate living and sleeping space. I’ve seen Caitlin’s room and she has personal privacy and possession of her own property.” She reached over and tapped Caitlin’s bear on the head.

With a smile, Kathy continued, “We look to ensure that the child receives sufficient and adequate clothing for her size.” Caitlin pulled at the sleeve on her pajamas. “Caitlin looks healthy and I can see that you provide her with nutritious meals.” She waved her arm toward the kitchen where a bowl of fruit sat on the counter. “I’ve seen that you’re able to carry out the essential parenting duties.”

Impressed I said, “You got all that in just one short visit?”

“Trust me, I’ve been doing this for a long time. Sadly, I can tell right away when it’s not being done. Throughout any investigation, our agency's primary focus and responsibility is the safety and well being of the child. It’s obvious to me that Caitlin is well taken care of here.” She started towards the door. “Have you met with your lawyer yet?”

“I’ve booked an appointment to meet with her on Thursday.”

“Good. I’ll be filing my report with the courts. I’ll see you again at the Settlement Conference.” Kathy reached out her hand to shake mine. “Nice to meet with you again.” She came back and knelt down near my still-sleepy daughter. “Bye, Caitlin. It was nice to meet you, too.”

Caitlin looked up from her bowl and gave a small wave. “Bye.”

After Kathy left, I turned to Caitlin, “Well, now that we’re both up, what do you say we go out today and pick some stuff to create a nice flower box?”

Caitlin smiled. “Okay.”

I looked at my young daughter. It’d be nice to spend the morning together outdoors collecting ornamental grass, dried flower heads, and red-barked dogwood. I’d like to just hang out, doing something light and breezy.

Tears glistened in my eyes. “I love you, Caity-Cat.”

Caitlin bounded up and with a big, smacky kiss on the side of my head she said, “Love you too, Mommy.”

Chapter 13

2009-09-19T16:42:00.001-07:00

Had a week flown by already? Here it was Wednesday morning again, not unlike last week, with the sun shining. I waved to Caitlin when she got on the bus and then started my walk a block west from Main Street up the cracked sidewalk to the red brick church at the end of the road. I chuckled at the posting on the sign. It read:

Sign broken
Message inside

I wasn’t caught off guard this time when the door swung open on my approach. A new woman cheerfully greeted me at the door.

“Good morning,” I responded, hanging my coat on the rack. Once through the double doors, I moved straight towards the coffee. The sweets looked tempting.

“Hi, Heather!”

I turned to face the voice and immediately recognized my old friend, Sarah. “Hi. What are you doing here?”

“I come every week, except I missed it last week. I love it. My daughter, Tessa, plays downstairs while I get to enjoy time with adults.” Her eyes crinkled with a genuine smile. “Want to sit down?” she gestured to two empty seats. We chatted about the cooler weather and the speaker from last week. She had a melodic laugh that she offered freely. Sarah then placed her left elbow on the table and leaned her chin on her hand. “So, how are things?”

“It’s been a tough time.” I said, fighting the sting at the back of my eyes.

Sarah squeezed my hand as we stood to sing and whispered, “I’m here for you if you need.”

I nodded my thanks. One of the songs sounded the same as last week although I didn’t feel confident enough to share in the singing. Then Rebecca, the leader, opened in prayer and welcomed the speaker. The speaker was a petite feather of a woman. I listened with interest as she talked about nutrition, carbohydrates, protein, and fats. I even took notes. After her talk, Rebecca reminded the group that they would be starting a Bible study next week and invited the women to sign up for a specific study.

Oh, well. I would have liked to come again to listen to another speaker.

“Have you signed up for a study?” Sarah’s question stole me away from my thoughts.

“Oh, no. I’ve never done a Bible study before. I don’t know much about the Bible.”

Sarah smiled. “That’s why we have Bible studies. So we can learn. I came last year and loved it. You don’t even have to own a Bible – they supply them.”

She must have read my mind. “I’ll think about it.”

“Would you like to come over to my place for a cup of tea?” Sarah asked.

“I’d love to but I have a meeting with Caitlin’s teacher before I have to get to work.”

Sarah smiled. “Maybe next time.”

I rose to go. Rebecca saw me leaving so I gave a little wave to her. She came right over. Taking my arm in hers, she pulled me toward the table displaying the variety of studies to choose from.

“Have you picked a study yet?” She scanned the sign up sheets for my name.

“Well, no.” About to tell her that I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to do a study, she wrote my name on a sheet.

“Heather, Dearie, what’s your last name?”

“Williams, but...”

“And your phone number?”

I gave it to her but then protested that I hadn’t decided yet to come.

“Well, Dearie, these studies fill up fast, you know. I’d love for you to join us. Here.” She gave me the study book to read. I glanced at it, and the words popped out at me.

Forgiveness. Do you feel angry and bitter? Is there someone in your life who has hurt you? In this four-week study you will learn the healing power of forgiveness.

My mouth dropped open. How did she know?

“I’ll think about it,” I said. I liked these women; they all seemed so genuine. And I liked the singing. And I liked the prayers. But a Bible study? I might look stupid. I only remembered a bit from the gospels that I’d learned at school and although I went to church at Christmas and Easter with my parents, I’d never “studied” the Bible before.

Walking home, the sun warmed me. Maybe I’ll just check it out. It doesn’t cost anything. I’ll just go next week and if I don’t like it, I can quit then. Yeah, I’ll give it a try.

**

I arrived at the school just in time for my meeting with Caitlin’s teacher. Clumps of colorful wildflowers overflowed in the front gardens. A sharp blast of warm air met me as I opened the heavy front door.

I put my purse on the floor and sat in the only other “adult” chair in the classroom. The industrial carpet reeked of disinfectant. “Thanks for agreeing to meet with me on such short notice, Rose.”

Rose was as wide as a loveseat and she smelled of Tommy Girl. Her hair was a pretty shade of vanilla with russet highlights. Her smile revealed straight, tiny teeth. “Oh, no problem. The year has just started, and I’m not too crazy busy yet.”

“I wanted to talk with you about Caitlin. And changes from last year.” I looked at my shoes. “I’m not sure how to say this without seeming blunt.”

“Heather, if you have something to say please just say it.”

My heart beat in my ears so hard I could hear it. “Well, you know Caitlin. You taught her last year. You remember that Rod and I are separated?” I struggled for words. “Well, I found out that Caitlin’s been abused.”

“Oh.” The air seemed to be knocked out of Rose. “I’m so sorry to hear this.” She placed her hand on my shoulder. “How is Caitlin?”

“She’s doing okay. My family’s been very supportive and she’s going to see a play/art therapist.”

“And you? This must be so awful for you.”

I looked away, then took a deep breath before continuing. “I wanted to tell you in case Caitlin says anything in class. Also, I’m not sure whether she will be missing school because of it.”

“Hmm. It makes sense. I’d noticed a difference in Caitlin’s behavior from when she started school to the end of last year. She started out vibrant but then became more and more reserved over the year. She even started to suck her thumb.”

“Yeah, I know. We’re working on that.”

“They say that hindsight is 20/20, but now I see all the signs were there. How did I miss it? She became more aggressive with the boys in the class and lost interest in a lot of the stuff. How could I miss it?” She put her face in her hands.

“It’s not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault. I lived with her and I didn’t even know.”

“Did they catch the abuser?” Rose looked hopeful.

“Well, that’s the other thing.” I pressed one loose fist against the bridge of my nose. “It was Rod.”

Rose gasped. “Oh, my goodness.” She shook her head. “He seems like such a nice guy. I guess you just never know.” Her eyes glossed over and she looked away. “You just never know.”

When she turned back, her eyes brimmed with tears. Her gaze lingered on my face, but I could tell she wasn’t seeing me. She was tangled in memories. “For me, it started at age five. My own grandfather.” Her hands shook. “My mother did nothing. She knew but she did nothing.”

Heat crept into my face. “Oh, Rose, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

“No, of course not. How could you?” She stood and walked to the window. “It wasn’t until I moved away that I could even talk about it.” She turned to face me. “Can you believe that I finally confronted him on his death bed?” A small smile grew on her face. “It was only then that he admitted to what he did and asked my forgiveness.”

I whispered, “Did you forgive him?”

“Oh, yes. You know, forgiveness isn’t about helping the abuser. It really helped me.” She walked over to the shelf of books and started to rearrange them. “I finally was able to let it go and get on with my life. It’s been a long road but I’ve learned to cope.” Rose let out a long sigh. “But I still struggle with trusting others.”

“And your mother?”

She picked up an overstuffed pillow to hug to her belly. “We have a strained relationship at best. I find that I have to keep working at forgiving her. The pain is always there like a pebble in my shoe.” Rose took my hand in hers and her expression lifted. “If I had a supportive and caring mother like you, I’m sure I wouldn’t have missed out on all those years of my life. Caitlin is very lucky.”

I let out a nervous flutter of embarrassed laughter. “Thanks.” I didn’t feel like Caitlin was very lucky.

“If you like, I’ll ask the principal to put a note in Caitlin’s file. But we’d need a court order if you want us to not allow him to see her.”

“I’m working on that right now. I just wanted to tell you. Just in case. You know, keep your eyes and ears open.”

“Yes, of course.” Rose gave me a hug. “I’m so sorry, Heather. I’m here for you if you need to talk.”

I let out a shivering sigh of relief. “I appreciate it. Thanks.”

Chapter 14

2009-09-19T16:41:00.001-07:00

I arrived right on time for my meeting with Ms. Turner. I hoped to talk with her about this Settlement Conference and what we would be putting in a Plan of Care. The receptionist, a fine boned woman with half-moon spectacles, asked me to take a seat and wait. My hands twisted in rhythm with the twisting sensation in my stomach. My foot tapped my briefcase in time with the clock ticking.

The woman beside me let out a small sigh every once in a while. She was here before I arrived and appeared to have been here for a long time. I watched the clock and grew more impatient with each passing minute. Finally, the secretary called me into the inner offices.

Ms. Turner sat at one end of a boardroom table with papers scattered all around. She looked up when I entered and abruptly asked me to take a seat in a high-backed leather chair. She smelled just slightly of coconut.

“Ms. Williams. It appears that both the C.A.S and the Police Department have been conducting an investigation into this case. I have talked with representatives from both places.” Without looking up, she continued, “Obviously, we do not want to bring the case to trial because it’s very difficult to get a conviction in child sexual abuse cases with only one victim. Especially since the daycare provider didn’t follow proper protocol.”

“Proper protocol?”

“Yes, the law requires that she report the abuse to the Children’s Aid Society. Instead, she reported it to you and you brought it to the attention of the C.A.S. This complicates things.”

“How so?” I let out a long, slow breath.

“Rod can use this in his defense.” Ms. Turner’s molars grated back and forth. “Your daughter is too young to stand on trial. It’s best to present a Plan of Care at a Settlement Conference and let the judge decide.”

I nodded in agreement.

Ms. Turner went on. “I talked with a Sergeant Wallace from the police and he reported the results of your husband’s lie detector test.”

“My ex-husband,” I corrected.

“He failed. Twice.”

“That’s good, right? We can use that in court, right?” A ray of hope filtered into my world.

“Well, yes and no. We can’t use the results of a lie detector test as evidence. However, we can allude to the fact that he failed it.”

My ray of hope spiraled downward into my shoes. “I don’t understand.”

Ms. Turner explained that a judge would not accept the outcome of a polygraph as solid evidence. However, it could strengthen a case if it were mentioned in the court papers. She went on to say that, although she personally believed the tests to be solid, the courts had always disputed this fact and so it’s never been allowed as evidence.

I asked her why they went through the trouble to do the test and why Rod would accept it.

Ms. Turner speculated that Rod’s lawyer recommended he take the test. If he refused, this would automatically make him suspect. But if he took the test and failed, his lawyer could dismiss it as non-admissible evidence. If by chance he passed, then his lawyer would filter it into their court papers one way or the other. His lawyer was probably curious, too, whether Rod would actually pass the test.

My brow knit in confusion. The legal system seemed backwards. If someone took a lie detector test, was asked if he had sexually abused his daughter, and then failed it two times, wouldn’t this be enough to charge him? I tugged on a hangnail. And even if a man did not use his penis to violate a young girl, could he not be charged criminally? The system I’d been counting on, one of honesty and integrity, began to shed its skin. For the first time the rosy glasses that I had worn to view my world were looking smudged.

Ms. Turner sat forward, knees together, one high-heeled foot tucked behind the other. She explained that the C.A.S. deemed Caitlin in need of protection, and they would be recommending a family member supervise Caitlin.

Rod’s Plan of Care included a narrative that not only denied the abuse but also included a theory that I had coached Caitlin. Ms. Turner read from Rod’s document, “The father’s theory of the case is that the mother taught her daughter to make these allegations, and has, in essence, brainwashed this into her.”

My stomach lurched. What? What kind of monster does he think I am? What kind of mother would teach her child to say such horrific things?

Ms. Turner continued, “Rod seems to think that the statements made by Caitlin were made because she was being taught to say and believe such things.”

My throat felt tight. Still reeling from this lie, I found it hard to concentrate on what Ms. Turner was saying.

I remembered conversations with Rod in the past where I told him that I would not tolerate lies. He seemed to think that “little white lies” were okay, and especially okay for a young girl. He found it fun to use Caitlin in his schemes to beat the system and coached her to lie if they ever were caught. I specifically remember the day they returned from the grocery store excited that he had got away with putting thirteen oranges in a bag while paying for only twelve. And another time when he replaced old laces in his boots with new ones right in the store. It made me sick to think that he now accused me of doing what he had always done.

“Ms. Williams?” Ms. Turner’s voice was razor sharp. “Do you agree?”

“I’m sorry?” I felt a little like a tongue-tied trout.

Ms. Turner curled her lips in a saccharine smile and repeated what she had just said. She reviewed the Plan of Care that we would present. Because it was a Child Protection Issue, I would be agreeing with the C.A.S. to provide supervised access visits. However, I would be requesting a third party provide the supervision instead of a family member. I signed the forms.

“The court date has been set for Friday, September 27. You need to be present at the Family Court House. Please arrive by nine.”

Relieved to have this meeting over with, I packed my papers into my briefcase and nodded goodbye to the receptionist.

Once outside, the cool air stung my cheeks. The bright sun shone in stark contrast to the dark office I had just left. I felt as if I were walking in a dream – more of a nightmare.

In my Jeep, I heaved my briefcase onto the passenger seat. My composed professionalism puddled onto the floor of the Jeep as I collapsed in a pool of tears.

Eventually, I pulled myself together and drove home. Once back at the apartment, I brewed a cup of tea tinged with honey and lemon, wrapped the couch throw around my shoulders and pulled the rocking chair up to the window. Blue-Casey saw this as an invitation to curl up on my lap and sleep. Clouds blocked out the sun and hung low. Some black, some gray, but they all spoke the same thing – misery. I felt miserable.

In the solitude I thought about justice. All I wanted was justice – was that so much to ask? When a little girl says she’s been hurt, is it too much to run to her side and help her? If the world was right and I had my way, the police would have been at Rod’s door the night I made the first phone call to the C.A.S. The police would escort him to jail, where he would wait until his trial. Then at his trial, the judge would accept the little girl’s words as truth. He would send Rod to prison for at least ten years. There, the other inmates would show him the horror and humiliation that he inflicted on his own daughter. They would remind him of his crime every day. He would be tortured physically and emotionally. Oh, if only the world was right. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

But instead, I sat looking out my apartment window at the dreary world as it truly was. I calculated what my next step would be to defend my daughter.

In my misery, I let my thoughts wander. It would have been so much easier to ignore it all. What if I just said to Donna, “Thanks for bringing this to my attention,” and poured her another tea? Oh, I could have ignored it and continued on with life as if I had never even been told. I could just go back to the way life was before all this. Life would have been so much easier.

But then that would have been the second time that Caitlin called out for help. Surely if she were ignored again, she would have died inside.

And reality was here. I could fantasize and wish this all didn’t happen, but that wouldn’t make it go away. I stroked Blue-Casey’s fur with the back of my fingers.

I continued to let my mind wander. What would life be like if I never had a girl? If I had a boy maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe Rod and I would never have even separated. We could still have been together in our big home living the life I deserved to live.

The guilt of wishing Caitlin was a boy smacked hard across my face. New, hot tears rolled down my cheeks. If only I were stronger. If only I were a better mother. Outside the full clouds mirrored my tears and spit bonbon-sized drops of rain against the window.

When the phone rang, I felt as if I had to look up just to hear the ring. I threw a blind hand toward the ringing phone.

I spoke into the receiver in a scratchy voice, “Hello?”

“Hi Sissy, it’s me.”

“Hi Janice.” I had little energy for anything more.

“God placed it on my heart to call you. Is everything okay?”

Her sympathetic question made my composure crumble. “Oh Janice. I just want him dead. Why do I have to go through this? What is wrong with this world? What is wrong with the justice system?” My sobs slowed as my anger rose.

“I know, Heather. It doesn’t seem fair. But you can find peace knowing that God is caring for you.”

“God?” I spit out His name. “Where is He in all of this? If He were taking care of me then I wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with.”

Janice remained calm. “You can’t blame God for the evil in the world. He doesn’t cause it. But He is here for you when it does come. And He’s on your side. Even if this world doesn’t give you the justice you deserve, God will.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. I settled on the couch with my legs tucked under me.

“Well, ultimately God’s the one who delivers justice.”

The next sentence came out with a cough. “I thought that’s what we hired lawyers for.”

“In the Bible, it tells us that human errors result in imperfect justice but God knows all things and He knows best how to see that justice is done. We have to leave room for God’s wrath.”

When Janice said that, I envisioned a thunderbolt coming from the sky and striking Rod dead. I smirked.

“Sissy, read Romans 12:17-21. It’s in the New Testament.”

“Thanks, Janice, I love you.”

“Love ya, too. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“You already have.”

“I’ll call you soon. Bye.”

I had to think about where to find a Bible. Oh yeah, at the Women’s Coffee Break. I wrote down the scripture verse and made a plan to look it up the next time I went to the ladies group.

Padding over to my bed, I burrowed under the covers and thought, “Wrath – I like that word.”

Chapter 15

2009-09-19T16:40:00.002-07:00

When I looked about the room, I expected a lot more women at this Bible study. But, there were only four sitting around the rectangular table. The leader, Margaret, had a hooked nose and mud brown eyes. She took the seat at the end. Three elderly women sat to her right. I felt awkward taking a lone seat on the opposite side of the table, like I was at a boardroom interview. Margaret gave a gummy smile and slid a Bible towards me. The other women had their own Bibles.

Margaret glanced at her watch and said, “Let’s get started, shall we. Welcome everyone. It’s wonderful to see some old faces,” she nodded at the three ladies, “and some new faces as well.” Margaret smiled at me.

“I’d like to begin with getting to know each other. We’ll be spending the next four weeks reviewing this study and talking intimately about our lives, so let’s start on the right foot and remember that what is said in this room stays in this room.”

Intimately? I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. It was hard to swallow past the lump in my throat.

“How about we start with you, Diane?”

Diane, a woman close to six feet tall, had a large frame to match. She wore her silver hair neatly cut above her ears. When she spoke, I detected an accent. “Hello, my name is Diane. My husband, Henk, and I have been married for over forty years. We come from Holland – the one overseas, the Netherlands – and we have one grown son, Jon. We’ve attended dis church since moving here ten years ago.” She stopped abruptly and gave a big smile.

“That’s wonderful Diane, thanks. Let’s hear from Shirley now.”

Shirley sat between the other two towering women, looking small and uncertain of herself. She had eyes the color of black onyx and mousy brown hair that hung sloppily down to her shoulders.
“Hi, my name is Shirley.” She kept her eyes focussed on the middle of the table. “Like Diane, I’ve come to this church for many years. I like it here.” She looked up at Margaret as if to ask, “Is that enough?”

Margaret thanked her and then asked Patricia to introduce herself. Patricia talked fast without stopping for a breath. She had difficulty remaining seated. “My name is Patricia, but you all can call me Pat. Or Trish. But, no, I’d rather you call me Pat.” She smiled, showing a set of perfect gleaming teeth.

She must have had work done, I thought.

“I’m new to this church, but not to Holland. I’ve lived in Holland all my life. I love it here. And I just love the Dutch experience. Doug and I always go to the Tulip Time Festival and Dutch Winterfest. And I love the lake. We have a boat and go boating most weekends. Doug and I just love to boat.”

Margaret interrupted, “Thanks, Patricia. Pat. Maybe you could take us all for a ride some day.”

Pat nodded quickly, excited to see that others may share her interest.

Margaret turned to me. “And you are…?”

“Hi, my name is Heather. Rebecca signed me up for this. I’ve never been to a Bible study before. Um, I have a daughter, Caitlin, in kindergarten. I live up the street and work part-time as a receptionist at the Lakeside Dental Clinic.” Just then, the door squeaked open and Sarah peeked in. “I’m sorry I’m late. Tessa needed me in daycare for a minute. Am I interrupting?”

Seeing Sarah, my mood lifted.

“No, come in, come in. There’s plenty of room. Have a seat, Sarah. We were introducing ourselves. You’re just in time, go ahead.”

“Oh, great.” Sarah smiled and sat beside me. “My name is Sarah and I have one daughter, Tessa. My husband, Steve, runs his own business and I’m a stay-at-home mom. Umm, what else?” She looked to Margaret for direction.

“That’s fine, Sarah. Thanks.” Margaret described her role as leader and what to expect from the study. She handed out the studies and explained, “Each week, you need to read the Bible passage in your booklets. Read it through a number of times. Take your time to let the thoughts and ideas sink in. Allow the scriptures to speak to your heart. Then, answer the questions. Make sure you put down your answers in your own words. When we meet we’ll share our thoughts and discuss the questions. Then, we can talk about how it relates to our lives. Any questions?”

We all sat quietly, looking around at each other to see if anyone had a question. No one did. Then Margaret asked if anyone would like to open in prayer this week. I kept my eyes down, afraid that she might ask me. Pat took the challenge. “Dear God, I pray that we have a good meeting today. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

“Thanks, Pat.” Margaret gave a gentle nod and started, “I enjoyed how this week’s chapter opened with a definition of forgiveness.” She read, “Forgiveness: to excuse a fault, to pardon, to cancel a debt, to send away, to remit the punishment due, to let loose and leave it, to drop it, to let it go.”

“Let go and let God,” Pat added. “I have that written and posted on my fridge. It helps me to remember every day to let go of my problems and let God handle them.”

“Would you radder take poison?” Diane’s question caught us all off guard.

“What?”

Diane sat up taller, “Well, I’ve heard dat not forgiving someone is like taking poison for yourself. You wouldn’t drink poison just to get back at someone else would you?”

“Of course not!”

“Not forgiving someone is just like dat.”

I’d never thought of it like that before. Diane’s conviction interested me. I wanted to know more about this woman. I boldly asked, “Diane, you seem so sure of this. How do you know?”

She leaned forward and shared with us her experience of growing up in Europe during the war.

“My family and I woke up to de sound of explosions. Hitler had suddenly attacked Holland widout warning. The Dutch army fought bravely for five days, but dey had no chance against Hitler’s army and air force.” Diane’s eyes began to water from the memory. She continued, “Life changed for us. The town where we lived was filled wit German soldiers. No one could buy food unless dey had a ration card. Dutch newspapers were stopped. All radio sets had to be given up. No one was allowed on the streets after six o'clock in the evening. But den it got even worse. One Sunday afternoon, all de young men out on the streets were rounded up by German soldiers and sent to Germany as slave factory-workers.”

Diane’s voice wavered. She let out a soft sigh. “My brodder, Willem, was one of de young men. We never saw him again.”

“Oh Diane, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up old wounds,” I said, meeting her gaze.

“No, no. You see I held hatred and anger in my heart for so many years. But once I’d accepted Jesus into my heart, I’d found de grace to forgive my brodder’s killers. Once I forgave, I could finally move on and begin to live again. Dat is why I can share my story wit you today.”

Diane’s story touched me deeply. I didn’t want our time together to end. I’d never experienced such transparency in an elderly woman. Her testimony, although heart-wrenching, was inspiring. She obviously loved the Lord and believed everything that she said.

Her story stayed with me as we continued to talk and share for the rest of the morning.

Finally, Margaret said, “The power to forgive can be found in the Word of God, the Bible.” She then closed the meeting by saying that we needed to put our troubles and pain into God’s hands and no longer hold onto an unforgiving attitude. She ended in prayer and dismissed us a little early.

I watched Diane fold her booklet and stand to go. She met my eyes, smiled and raised her hand in a small wave.

I returned her gesture and packed up my own stuff.

“I’m not sure I can handle reading a chapter a week, what with work and Caitlin and all,” I said to Sarah as we ascended the stairs to the main doors.

“Oh, it’s not a lot of work. And it’s interesting, too. I’ll help you if you need it.” Sarah beamed a big smile. “I have to go get Tessa, but maybe we could meet for tea sometime soon?”

“I’d like that, thanks. I can give you my phone number.” I scribbled my name and number on the back of an old flyer and handed it to Sarah. “See you next week.”

Walking back to the apartment, I smiled at the church sign. It read:

God answers knee-mail

I felt hope coming in like morning light through a mist. I cherished the feeling not knowing how long it may last considering that I’d be going to court on Friday.

**

On my walk to work, I blew coils of steamy breath into my hands. The temperature was dropping steadily throughout the afternoon.

“Afternoon Connie,” I called as I entered the clinic.

The hair on Connie’s upper lip had an orange tint to it, so she must have bleached it recently. “Hi, Heather. Your mom called and wanted me to talk to you about bundling up in the colder weather.” She snickered. “Did I tell you about Tom? My date the other night?” She went on and on about the date with Tom in a BMW but my thoughts were on what to expect at court.

I moved into the routine of the afternoon, nodding and smiling when I thought it right to keep Connie content.

Finally, she seemed to finish her story. “Connie, have you ever heard the saying, ‘an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth’?”

“Sure, hasn’t everyone?”

“What’s your thoughts on it?”

“I agree with it. Tit-for-tat so to speak.”

“So you think that the notion that for every wrong done, there should be a compensating measure of justice?”

“Sure! Don’t you?”

“I don’t know. What happens if a person caused the death of another person's child? Then the killer's own child would be put to death?”

“That sounds about right.”

“But wasn’t it Gandhi who said, ‘An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind’?”

Dr. Mott and Mr. George, a long term patient, approached the counter. He had a large Adam’s apple and teeth the color of old piano keys. “Afternoon ladies. Deep in discussion are you?” He handed me his chart.

“Good afternoon.”

Mr. George pointed to the form. “On this, it really should be 772 Isles Road.”

“Okay. Let me pull it up on the computer.” I typed in his name. “Sorry, what was the address?”

“772. And the rest is fine.”

“That’s $52.00 today, please Mr. George.” I reached my hand to take his debit card and completed the transaction.

“What’s this about Gandhi?” Dr. Mott asked.

“Heather’s getting philosophical on us. She was asking what it meant when someone said, ‘eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth’.”

“Oh, that’s easy.” Bill looked directly at me. “It's scripture. It means if you poke out someone's eye, your punishment will be to have your eye poked out. But Jesus changed all that.”

Mr. George laughed. “So, is that why you entered dentistry? Someone knocked out one of your teeth?”

Dr. Mott flashed a brilliant smile. “Look like any teeth are missing?” He turned to go back to his office.

“Not yet!” Mr. George called and shook his fist with a hearty guffaw.

Chapter 16

2009-09-19T16:40:00.001-07:00

I approached the Family Court House, feeling like a fish nearing a dangling lure. Inside the building, the atmosphere was charged with the hum of anxiety. I squeezed in beside a plump woman and used the wall to hold myself up. I placed my briefcase on the floor. Across the room, I caught a conversation directed at me. “That your lawyer?” a woman nodded her head towards me.

“Nah, my lawyer doesn’t come till the last minute,” responded a young man in tight black jeans and a cut-off t-shirt. It surprised me to think that they thought of me as a lawyer, but as I looked around the room I realized that I was one of the only people dressed in a pants suit and carrying a briefcase. At 9:40 I still hadn’t caught a glimpse of my lawyer. It was very unsettling. The fate of my child lay in these proceedings, yet I got the sickly feeling that it was just work as usual for these people. Just another day of pay.

A nasally voice on the intercom interrupted my thoughts, “Reid vs. Peters come to Courtroom Two. Reid and Peters in Courtroom Two.”

The room slowly filled with people. I caught tidbits of conversations; some angry, some frustrated, some secretive. Lots of tension. A woman standing with hands on her hips huffily remarked, “So, are we here to settle this or what?” My attention turned to the little child drinking a pop, looking confused, eyes darting back and forth between mother and father. Sitting down, I leaned my elbows on a table and put the heels of my hands onto my forehead.

“Williams vs. Kramer come to Courtroom Two,” sounded over the loudspeaker. “Williams and Kramer in Courtroom Two.” My heart skipped a beat. Rod walked past and gave me a sculpted dirty look while his lawyer flashed me a wide smile that showed off his gold-capped tooth. My skin crawled. From around the corner, my lawyer appeared and motioned for me to follow her. Her face was the pastry color of flour. What lurked ahead terrified me.

We entered through the double doors and my lawyer led me to the row of seats in front of the room. Rod sat with his lawyer at the other end of the row. He shot me a blistering look.

“All rise for the honourable Judge Simpson.” Judge Simpson walked through a side door on the elevated platform wearing a black gown with a red sash. He had white, wispy hair and thick glasses. He scanned the courtroom before sitting down. Catching my eye, he stopped for a brief moment. Then he sat. I watched the movements of those around me before sitting myself. I could feel my heart rate picking up but tried to keep my expression static so no one would notice the tears in my eyes.

A man wearing a floor-length gown approached and took a file of documents from my lawyer. Then he crossed the room and did the same with the C.A.S. lawyer and Rod’s lawyer, and handed them to the judge.

The judge opened the files and as he talked, a woman sitting opposite the man in the gown, recorded the proceedings. I didn’t understand the legal terminology and felt like a child trying to learn a foreign language on her first day of school. Conversation volleyed between the lawyers. I tried to follow but found my mind wandering to Rod. Through the corner of my eye, I saw him sitting beside his lawyer. The little smile on Rod’s face hit me like spittle. He dressed in sharp business attire and looked like any upstanding member of the community. He folded his arms across his chest and set his mouth stubbornly. Anyone looking at him would not believe that he was a child molester.

My quick search on the Internet had done little to soothe my nerves. One report wrote that there was no indication that any specific psychological profile was useful in describing who was likely to abuse children. Although many pedophiles suffer from alcohol and drug abuse, feelings of inadequacy, depression and poor impulse control these aren’t things you could easily spot. On top of that, the report indicated that pedophiles might have the appearance of respectability and hold positions of authority. Catching another glimpse of Rod, I noticed that he was sitting straight with his hands now folded on his lap. He showed no remorse. It made me sick to think that, like most abusers, Rod was skilled at gaining trust and acted slick and manipulative.

My lawyer broke into my reverie and signaled me to leave. It was over? So soon? Lost in my thoughts, I missed the conversation. I stood up, somewhat in a fog and walked back out through the double doors. I numbly trotted after my lawyer into a side room.

“Good news,” Ms. Turner said.

“Really?” I said, my teeth fixed in a smile.

“The judge ordered Caitlin to remain in your care and be subjected to the supervision of the C.A.S for a period of three months.”

“That’s great news.” I sat down. “But wait. Only three months? Why?” All the color drained from my face.

“He wants to see how things go in the next few months and then he’ll make a final decision at the next court date.”

“How is that good news?” I muttered under my breath. “So now what?”

“The C.A.S will assign a contract worker to supervise the weekend visits with Rod, starting next Saturday, until the next court date on December 27. A worker will come and pick up Caitlin at your home and stay with her for the day, returning her in the evening. I’ll complete the paperwork and get it out to you as soon as possible.”

Leaving the building, the clouds were growing thicker and I felt spots of rain on my face. As I walked toward my Jeep, I thought about the next weekend visit. I would now have to give up my baby to some worker to watch over. The ground shifted under me and I had to hold onto the car beside me to steady myself. A torrent of tears surged forward.

**

“What do you mean he still gets access?” My mother nearly shouted into the phone.

I looked at the digital clock on the nightstand. The red numbers claimed it was six o’clock. “The good news is that it’ll be supervised visits.”

“But why?” My mother’s voice sounded hollow.

“It’s her word against his. With no physical evidence to criminally convict him, it’s the best we can hope for.” I flopped back on my bed. “Listen Mom, I gotta go. Will you call Janice? I’m too tired to go through it again.”

“Yes, of course. I love you, Dear. Give hugs to Caitlin.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

Chapter 17

2009-09-19T16:39:00.000-07:00

After an unsettling weekend of worry, returning to Bradley’s felt much like retreating to a favorite vacation spot. I rolled down the windows of the Jeep to take in the aroma from the late-blooming plants. Barley, the old dog, recognized us with a wag of his tail and returned to his spot on the walkway. Birds swooped in around us, playfully enjoying the early autumn winds.

Before I could lift the heavy doorknocker, Bradley greeted us from the other side of the wooden door. “Come right in,” he called.

Caitlin burst forward. “Hi, Bradley,” she waved, and walked past him to the sandbox. She immediately searched for the little plastic animals.

“Hi, Caitlin,” Bradley didn’t miss a beat and seemed to accept Caitlin’s behavior as normal.

Turning to me, Bradley said, “Caitlin has a real love for animals. At our last visit, she created wonderful worlds in the sandbox. Isn’t that right, Caitlin?” He released a chuckle.

Caitlin was enchanted. “Yeah, I really like the elephants.”

“Does Mom stay, or leave and come back later?”

This time Caitlin said, “Come back later.”

A little surprised, but comforted by her confidence and cheer, I said, “Okay, Caity-Cat. I’ll see you in an hour.”

“Bye, Mommy.” Caitlin then tugged on Bradley’s shirt, “I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Yes, of course, Caitlin. Go ahead, you know where it is.”

Finding this behavior strange, I said, “Caitlin, you just went to the washroom before we came.”

“I got to go again!” Caitlin called behind her on her way down the hallway.

With Caitlin in the bathroom, Bradley explained to me how children who have been sexually abused tended to use the bathroom a lot when visiting him. Memories of the abuse automatically stimulated the genitals making them feel like they needed to go to the washroom.

Coming to this refuge, I forgot the ugly reason of why we were here. Yes, of course. Obviously, Bradley knew about these behaviors. I felt like a fish on land.

Seeing my furrowed brow, Bradley offered, “You're welcome to take any of the books out of the resource area if you're interested in learning more about abuse.” I nodded and Bradley took my elbow and led me to the library. He moved the small stool and pulled a booklet off the lower shelf and handed it to me. “Why don’t you start with this one?” It read, What to do if a child tells you of sexual abuse.

Somewhat overwhelmed by the amount of books on the shelf, I felt relieved to take the booklet. “Yes, this looks good. Can I take it with me and return it at our next appointment?”

“Of course. All of these books are for reference. Help yourself.” Bradley nodded, sincere in his expression and his words.

Caitlin appeared around the corner. “Bradley, are you coming to play?”

Bradley smiled brightly. “Coming Caitlin.” He returned his attention to Caitlin, leaving me to look over the rest of the books.

Another book caught my eye, Sometimes It’s O.K. To Tell Secrets! – A Parent/Child Manual for the Protection of Children. I pulled it from the shelf and took it with me. Peeking around the corner on my way out, I watched Bradley “play” in the sandbox with Caitlin. I left quietly, trusting that my daughter was safe.

Back at my apartment, I decided to call my sister, Janice.

“Hi, Sissy. I was just thinking of you. How are things?”

“Well, they’re as good as can be expected, I suppose. I just dropped Caitlin off for her play/art therapy session.”

Janice sucked something through a straw. “How’s that going?”

“Good. The doctor is quite a character. You should see him. He wears pants with holes in the knees.”

“Really? Sounds kinda creepy.”

“No, not at all. He’s just anti-clinical. He’s perfect for Caitlin.”

“And Caitlin is okay that he’s a man? And being left alone with him?”

“Yeah, I think Caitlin knows on some level that it was Rod who hurt her, not just ‘a man’.”

“And you?”

“I’m okay. I get a good feeling when I’m around him.”

Blue-Casey leapt to the windowsill and curled up to enjoy the late afternoon sun.

“Got any special plans for the day?”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, I was just talking to Mom and she wanted me to call and convince you to get out more.”

“Seriously! If it isn’t Connie she’s using to get to me, it’s you. I can’t believe Mom told you to do that.”

“So, are you doing anything? You do need to get out. Get away from all this ugly stuff. Have you been to get any help yourself?”

“Like a psychologist?”

“Yeah, or someone who can help you deal with this.”

“No, not yet. But I’ve started going to a Bible study. It’s like group therapy.” I stood and looked over to the window at the translucent blue sky. “And I’ve been journaling every day. It’s very therapeutic. Actually, I had a really wild experience the other day.”

“Really? What happened?”

“Well, I was writing as usual and then all the sounds around me sort of muted, as if I was submerged under water. Then I started to write but it wasn’t my words. It was like I was taking dictation.”

“What’d you write?”

“Hold on, let me get my journal.” I fumbled with the desk drawer and pulled out my journal and flipped to the page. “Here it is. I wrote,

‘Open your heart and let the Holy Spirit in.
Let the words flow over you. Let Him take over.
Trust in Him and your child will be safe.
Don’t try to tackle the evil on your own
it’ll crush you.
Let God help.
He wants to help.
He wants to take care of His family.
Everything will be all right.
God is all-powerful and all knowing.
He knows your pain. He knows your fear.
Lift it up unto Him and He will take care of it.
You need only ask. You need not fight this alone.’”

“Wow, Sissy, that’s awesome.”

“I know. I’ve never had that sort of experience before.”

“Something to store in your heart.”

“Well, I need to get back and pick up Caitlin. Talk to you soon. Love ya.”

“Love you too, Sissy.”

Chapter 18

2009-09-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

Two days later, I awoke to the sandpaper tongue of Blue-Casey licking my chin. Caitlin bounded into my bedroom with news. “Mommy, it snowed last night. It snowed!”

I was not as enthusiastic as my daughter. Snow meant winter. Winter meant cold weather. Cold weather meant bundling in toques, scarves, boots, and mittens. It seemed to take forever just to get ready to go outdoors. I’d much rather spill out of bed and into a pair of shorts and sandals any day.

“Can we go tobogganing?” Caitlin broke my train of thought.

“Oh, I don’t think so Caity-Cat. This is only the first snow of the season and I doubt that it’ll stay.” Caitlin’s smile faded so I added, “But maybe we can go shopping for some winter clothes.”

Caitlin’s eyes opened wide and she gave my legs a tight hug.

“Now, let’s get you ready for school.”

After Caitlin ate breakfast, dressed and was on her way to school, I returned to the apartment to tidy up and get myself ready for the Women’s Coffee Break.

The snow melted quickly on the warmed sidewalks, leaving ever-growing puddles underfoot. The sign today read:

Try our Sundays.
They're better than Baskin-Robbins.

I hung up my coat in the church foyer and then started for the kitchen.

“Hi, Betty!” I started to recognize the women here and remember their names. I poured a coffee and grabbed a chocolate chip cookie before finding my regular seat. I looked around for Sarah, but she hadn’t arrived yet.

Another woman I recognized from weeks before came over and sat beside me. She had the build of a small refrigerator and smelled like honey-suckle.

“Hi. My name is Susan. I remember you from the gardening seminar. You asked about the window box. How’s it going?”

“Great,” I said with enthusiasm. “I never would’ve imagined that I could have a small garden this late in fall. I especially like the dogwood. Very festive.”

She studied her reflection in the teaspoon she’d used to stir sugar into her coffee. “Have you thought of adding a red velvet bow?”

“What a good idea. That’d look great for the upcoming holidays.”

Rebecca stood to open in prayer. We sang some songs, and then broke into our smaller study groups.

Sarah came in a little late again this week. She apologized with a ripple of giggles. She wore an apricot silk top and black suede pants. She looked great. I had only thrown on a button-down blouse with a pair of blue jeans.

Margaret had her brown hair pulled back babushka style. She asked us to open our Bibles to Isaiah, Chapter 61, and Verse 8. I took notes as Margaret explained how we needed to trust God to take care of things for us. It wasn’t our job or even our privilege to vindicate ourselves. We needed to forgive and let God handle dishing out the justice.

I remembered my sister saying that God was the judge. I shared this with the group and asked if we could look up the scripture Janice had given me. Pat, whose lips were as shiny as a McIntosh apple, read from the book of Romans, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. Romans 12, verse 19.”

Diane added, “Forgiveness is an act of trust. By forgiving de men who killed my brodder, I put my trust in God as a better justice-maker dan I am. I leave the fairness to God and believe dat He will dish out justice and mercy.”

Shirley looked out from behind the curtain of long, brown hair and asked, “Was that easy to do, Diane?”

“No. No, of course not. I had to put a great deal of trust in God.” Diane raised her palms in the air for emphasis.

Margaret said, “There are a lot of good reasons that God would ask us to leave matters of revenge and justice to Him. Why do you think He would do this?”

Sarah spoke up. “I believe that God is wise and all-powerful. He is the One who knows all things and so knows best how to see justice is done.”

Margaret nodded in agreement. “Is anyone familiar with the phrase ‘heap burning coals on his head’?”

Pat answered, “Yes. I heard of that. At first, I thought that it was a vengeful act. But then I learned that it was actually doing someone a favor.”

Shirley interrupted. “How could heaping coals on someone’s head do them a favor?”

Pat smiled and said, “In the Old Testament times, if a family’s cooking fire went out, it was hard to start a new one. So a family member would go to a neighbor to ask for some burning coals, which would then be wrapped in a pan and carried back home on the head.”

I sat up a bit straighter. Interesting, I thought.

Diane clicked her fingernails on the table. “I disagree,” she said. “I learned dat ‘burning coals’ is meant as a picture of repentance. It meant dat showing kindness to an enemy is de best way to make dat person feel sorry for what he has done.”

“In any case, the outcome ultimately affects both the offender and the offended. To leave room for God’s wrath by not seeking revenge strengthens the character of Christ within us.” Margaret closed her Bible and looked at her watch. “We live in a culture that thinks very differently about how to treat those who have wronged you. But the message here is not to repay anyone evil for evil.” After saying this, Margaret closed with a prayer for all of us to trust in God that justice would be done and she reminded us to read through the next chapter in preparation for the following week.

Sarah walked me to the stairs before giving my arm an enthusiastic rub. “Have a great week, Heather.”

“Thanks, Sarah. I’ve got a lot of work to do.” I patted my Bible study book and waved goodbye as I took the stairs two by two.

**

Later at the dental clinic, Connie greeted me with a smile playing with the edges of her mouth, “Well, don’t you have rosy cheeks. This cold weather looks good on you!”

“Thanks, Connie.” I was surprised by her kind remark. “I’m not a fan of autumn turning into winter but I guess it just takes some getting used to. So, what’s with the silly grin?”

Connie brightened, “Remember that guy I told you about last week? The one with the BMW and thick sideburns?” I didn’t, but I nodded anyway. “Well, he’s called! We’re going out again tonight.” Connie put the back of her hand to her forehead and leaned back in her chair. “I think I’m in love.”

“Connie Curtain in love? I don’t believe it,” I teased.

“I’ll let you know for sure after this next date.” Connie winked at me and returned to her work.

A twinge of jealousy sprang forward as I turned on my computer for the afternoon ahead. Why would I be jealous? Just then, Dr. Mott returned from lunch. His cheeks were ruddy and I wondered if he was still driving his motorcycle to work.

“Afternoon, ladies,” he called across the waiting room.

“Hello, Bill,” we both said in unison.

In three strides, Bill was in front of my desk. “The usual again this afternoon, Heather?”

“Yes, nothing special. Mrs. Armstrong finally booked her root canal. It was like pulling teeth to get her to confirm.”

Bill gave me a sideways look and then broke into laughter. The laugh lines along his eyes gave away his age but they only made him look more distinguished, not old.

“What?” Bill gave me a queer look. “Why are you staring at me?”

Quickly, I looked down at my notebook. “Oh, I’m sorry. I was lost in thought.”

Just then, Connie got up and walked back to the kitchen. Bill took this as opportunity to lean in over the counter top.

“Heather, there’s been something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

I kept my eyes down, afraid that I would get lost in his gaze if our eyes met.

“I’m just going to get it over with and say it. Will you go out with me for lunch on Saturday?”

I nearly swallowed my gum. I hadn’t expected him to be so abrupt. I started to cough.

“I didn’t mean to choke you up,” Bill said with a smile. “Think about it and let me know before you leave today, okay?” He turned and called after Gail.

I could only nod. I tried hard to suppress my cough. I felt like a teenage girl asked out on a date to the prom. What was wrong with me?

The phone rang and I had to clear my throat before answering, “Good afternoon. Lakeside Dental Clinic. Heather speaking.”

“Oh, Heather, Dear, good to hear your voice.” It was my mother. “I know that you don’t like me to call at work but I thought you would be interested to know that Mr. Jenkinson died.”

“Who?” I couldn’t put a face to the name.

“You know, Mr. Harry Jenkinson. He lived beside us when you were young. He moved into the retirement home about six years ago. Don’t you remember? He used to give you carrots from his garden. Mr. Jenkinson.”

“No, Mom, sorry I don’t remember. Was he sick?”

“No, just old. Your father and I are going to the funeral on Friday. I just thought you’d want to know.”

“Oh. Well, thanks Mom. Give my regards to the family. I have to get back to work now.”

“Yes, yes. But in my day the telephone was answered promptly after one ring. You let it ring four times. I was almost ready to hang up. Does Dr. Mott know that you let it go that long?”

“Mom, it was Bill’s fault that I let it ring.” Immediately, I regretted letting that slip.

“What do you mean? Has he been unkind to you?”

“Oh, Mom, of course not.”

“Then what? What did he do?”

“Nothing. Just drop it, please.” I wished that a patient would come along and give me an excuse to get off the phone.

“Darling, tell me. I am your mother after all. I have a right to know.”

As always, I gave in to my mother. “Well, if truth be told, Dr. Mott asked me out on a date.”

“A date?” My mother yelled into the phone. “That’s wonderful, Heather. Where are you going? I’ll bet he takes you to a beautiful restaurant. Oh, I can look after Caitlin for you, no problem. When are you going?”

“Slow down, Mom. I haven’t even said yes yet.”

“What? Why not? For heaven’s sake, Heather, when a doctor asks you on a date, you go!”

“Mom, I’m not a child. I can make my own decisions.”

“Yes, yes of course, Dear. But make the right one here, and go.”

“Sorry, Mom but I gotta go. Bye.”

Before I could hang up, she added, “Just let me know when to come and pick up Caitlin. Bye, Dear.”

Always has to have the last word. A small grin lit my face. Mom was such a mother.

Connie returned and asked, “Why the smile?”

“Oh, my mother. She makes me laugh sometimes. She’s so nosy.”

“That’s what mothers are for,” Connie said. “What’s she nose-ing in about?”

Shoot. I had done it again. Now I’d have to get Connie off the trail. “Nothing.” I repeated, “Nothing.”

“Call me crazy, but I think Heather has a secret. What is it you’re not telling me?” Connie leaned over and put her elbows on her knees. I had to turn away from her glare. “Oh, my gosh. He asked you out!”

My head jerked to stare at her. How did she know?

“Ah, ha. That’s it. Bill finally got the nerve to ask you out! Well, aren’t we a pair. So where are you going? Oh, do you want to double date? That could be fun!”

The idea of a double date with Connie nearly got me coughing again. “Connie, I haven’t said yes yet.”

“Yet. So when are you going to tell him Yes? Want me to tell him?” Connie raised her hand to her mouth to call down the hall.

“Don’t you dare!” I leapt from my chair and pulled at her arm.

Connie just laughed at me. “You’re hopeless. You leave me no choice. If you don’t tell him within the next thirty minutes, then I will.”

“Connie, that’s not fair!” I could just die. But something inside me was relieved to have to make the decision soon. True, I would like to go out for dinner. And my mother was willing to sit with Caitlin. And I hadn’t been out for ages. I walked back to the kitchen for a coffee and found Bill sitting at the little table.

I pulled the chair out and balanced one knee on it. “What time?” I asked.

He looked up and with a broad smile. “I’ll pick you up at one.”

Chapter 19

2009-09-19T16:37:00.002-07:00

This was it. Today was the day. Caitlin’s first day with Rod and the supervisor. My heart jumped when the door buzzer rang at 9 a.m. “Come on up!” I called into the speaker before pressing the button that would open the lobby door.

The Children’s Aid Society’s appointed supervisor knocked softly on my door. I opened to a young woman, standing in the hall. She was as skinny as a fishing rod.

“Hello, I’m Heather. Please come in.” I gave my bravest smile.

“Thank you.” She extended a hand, “My name is Christine Hickey.” Her hand felt soft in mine, and much too fragile. She wore a sheepskin knee-length coat. Her round blue eyes were set deep into her face. She looked like she’d spent an hour a week in a tanning salon ever since she was about three.

I called for Caitlin and she peeked shyly around her doorway.

“Caitlin. Come and meet Christine. She’s going to take you to visit with your father this weekend.”

Caitlin stepped slowly into the hallway, and kept her eyes on the floor. She walked straight over to me and hid behind my legs.

“Would you like to have a coffee before you go?” I offered.

“No, thank you. I expect that Rod will be waiting for us. I really can’t stay.” She knelt down to meet Caitlin’s eyes and said, “Hi Caitlin. I’ve heard so much about you. I’m glad to finally be meeting you. We’ll get to spend some time together today.” Then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a knitted finger puppet. “Do you know what this is?”

Caitlin came out from behind me.

“This is Sammy, my special little friend.” Christine then put the puppet on her finger and turned it to face her. “How are you today, Sammy?”

In a high-pitched voice she answered, “I’m fine, thanks. Who’s your new friend?” She turned the puppet to face Caitlin.

“This is my friend, Caitlin.” Then to Caitlin she asked, “Can you say hello to Sammy?”

“Hi Sammy,” Caitlin said with a smile.

“Want to be my friend?” Sammy asked.

“Yes.” Caitlin nodded.

Airy laughter filled the hall. “Great! Let’s go have a nice day together!” With this, Christine took the finger puppet off and gave it to Caitlin. Caitlin slipped her jacket on quickly so that she could try the puppet on her own finger. Although she didn’t say anything, she moved it around as if she were talking with it.

Christine turned her attention back to me. “We’ll be back around 6:30.”

I leaned over, picked up Caitlin and said, “Have a great time today, Caitlin. I’ll see you after supper.”

“Bye, Mommy.” Caitlin gave me a big squeeze.

“Love you, Caity-Cat.”

“Love you, Mommy.”

Christine took her hand and said goodbye, leading my daughter down the hallway. My stomach lurched.

I was at a loss without my daughter. The apartment felt so empty. I did what I normally do when I’m feeling helpless. I cleaned. I cleaned the floors of my apartment, absently opening drawers and cupboards looking for something to sort, dust or fold. I slumped on the couch, feeling lost. Blue-Casey sat beside me, purring loudly, a rhythmic vibration from his throat. I must have dozed off to sleep when the phone rang and startled me awake.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Sissy. How are you?”

“Hey Janice. I’m okay. Caitlin left this morning to visit with Rod.”

“How’d it go? What was the supervisor like?”

“She was quiet, but Caitlin seemed to like her. I got a good feeling from her. I think she’ll be
okay.”

The door buzzed and I realized it was almost one o’clock. Was Caitlin home already? Did something go wrong?

“Janice, someone’s at the door. I gotta go. Talk to you soon.”

“Bye, Sissy. Love ya.”

I ran to the intercom. “Hello?”

“Hi, Heather. It’s me.”

I involuntarily gasped. Our date! I stammered, “Oh Bill. Hi. Yeah, come on up.”

What do I do now? I ran to the bathroom and checked my teeth in the mirror. I quickly applied fresh makeup. Light foundation. Eyeliner. Lipstick. I took out the huge blusher brush and started sweeping the powder onto my cheeks and forehead. I freed my hair from its elastic band, combed it out and then twisted it back into place. I sprayed vanilla perfume on all my pulse points.

Bill knocked at the door and I called for him to come in.

“Hi Bill. I’m sorry. I almost forgot. Let me get my coat.”

I walked over to the closet and pulled out a jacket. Bill gave me a sideways glance and said, “Isn’t that a little too summery for today’s weather?” I looked at the coat and realized that it was my summer jacket. I pulled at another hanger and got my fall coat. Then I shuffled through the sea of shoes in the closet and finally pulled out a pair of short boots.

“Okay, I think I’m ready.” I gave a quick look around the apartment. On our way out, Bill asked, “Don’t you normally lock the door?”

“Oh, yeah.” When I went to reach for my keys I realized that I didn’t even have my purse. What a mess. Bill must think I’m a real airhead. I grabbed my purse, locked the door and joined Bill waiting in the hall.

“You seem very distracted today. Is everything okay?”

Bill’s kind words watered my eyes. “I’m okay.”

“How about we just go for a walk instead of to a restaurant. We could grab a burger or something down by the water. What do you say?”

A walk by the water was just what I needed, “Yeah, that’d be great.”

The air outside felt refreshing after a morning in my apartment. The sky was the color of blueberries and plums. A nippy breeze rose off the lake with the smell of autumn. We walked in step with each other down to the waterfront with nothing but the sound of gravel crunching beneath our feet.

“I just love the water. There’s something profound about the way the waves continuously ride up the beach.”

My thoughts exactly. “If I had it my way, I’d buy a home right on the water. Some day,” I said.

A seagull circled above us and let out a whining shriek. Bill leaned in to ask, “Can I be bold?”

I thought he was going to ask to hold my hand. I looked at him, “Sure.”

“What has got you so befuddled today?”

“Befuddled?” I laughed at his choice of words. But then when I saw the real concern in his eyes I stopped. “Can we sit down?”

We sat at the green bench overlooking the lake. A slight breeze blew wisps of hair into my face. Bill reached over and gently pulled a strand behind my ear. “Windy today.”

His smell enveloped me in a feeling of rightness and safety. “Bill, you know that I was hesitant to come on this date with you, right.”

Bill nodded slowly.

I breathed in the slightly herbal aroma of his hair gel. “Well, my life is a bit of a mess right now and I don’t know if it’s a good idea for us to be spending time together.”

His voice rumbled deep from his chest. “I disagree.”

Bill’s force startled me.

He continued, “Sorry, but if there’s something that’s bothering you then I believe it’s important to share it.”

“It’s not something, but someone.”

“Oh?” Bill frowned. He crossed his ankle over his knee and jiggled his foot.

“No, no, not you. Well, you obviously know that I was married before, right. And you know I have a young daughter.”

Bill interrupted, “Yes, of course. I have no problem with that.”

“No, Bill, wait. That’s not the problem.” I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“Heather, you can tell me. What is it?” He put his arm over my shoulder and pulled me to lean into his side. We stared out across the water. Strands of seaweed littered the surface of the water.

“Well, last month Caitlin told something that has turned our world upside down.” Bill sat quietly, waiting for me to continue. “She…she told her babysitter that she was molested.”

“Oh, Heather!” Bill pulled his arm away and sat up straight. “Is she okay?”

“Yes. She’s fine. But we are in the middle of trying to make sure that she stays this way.”

“What do you mean?” Bill raised his eyebrows.

I took a deep breath and then sighed it out. “Bill, Caitlin was molested by my ex-husband, her father.”

“What! Oh, dear Caitlin. Oh, Heather. I am so sorry.” Bill put his face in his hands and breathed deep. “I had no idea.” He pulled his hands away and looked me directly in the eyes. “What can I do to help?”

I gave a weak smile. “You’re doing it. Today was the first day that Caitlin went to visit her father since she disclosed. She’s being supervised by a woman from the Children’s Aid Society. That’s why I’m such a mess today. I’m at a loss without her.”

Bill was quiet and he pulled me in close and held me tight. He held me for a long time and I could feel the warmth of his body against mine. His chest moved with the rhythm of his breathing. I was drained and empty and it was a relief to be with Bill. It felt good to be held.

Bill whispered, “I know what it feels like to be betrayed…” His voice trailed off and there was a moment of silence.

“No one here knows, but the reason I left Rhode Island was to get away from my ex-wife.”

“What? You were married?”

“For only three months.” His face crumbled. “She left me.”

“Oh, Bill I’m sorry.”

“It was torture to stay in my small hometown while she was there. It was too much to take.”
Sadness gouged some extra lines around his eyes and mouth. “Although my entire family still begs me to return, I don’t think I could ever do that.”

A relaxed silence fell between us. The silence was comforting. We sat together staring out at the water until my stomach began to rumble.

“Oh, my goodness. I promised you lunch!” Taking my hand, Bill pulled me up off the bench. “Let’s go get that burger.”

**

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” Bill asked as he finished tying his shoes.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” I just wanted to be with my little girl, alone. “Thanks so much for the great afternoon together.”

Bill kissed my forehead and gave my hand a little squeeze before leaving. “My pleasure.”

I had just enough time to tidy up when the buzzer sounded. I let Christine and Caitlin in and waited in the hallway for them to come up the stairs. As soon as Caitlin saw me, she ran down the hall. “Mommy, Mommy. Look what I got!”

I gave her a tight hug and then asked, “What have you got?”

Caitlin showed me her little toy – a tiny prize from inside her Kinder Surprise. “Daddy put it together for me.” She took it into the apartment and showed me how it could roll along the coffee table.

I turned back to where Christine stood, just outside the doorway. I wasn’t sure what to expect so
I asked, “Do I need to sign anything or do anything?”

Christine smiled shyly, “No, nothing so formal. I write a small report and submit it to the Children’s Aid Society.” At my puzzled look she added, “It was a nice day. We went to the zoo.”
Then she poked her head into the apartment and called, “Bye, Caitlin. See you next time!”

Caitlin skipped back to the door. “Bye, Chrissy.”

I closed the door and swooped Caitlin into my arms. “You went to the zoo? Tell me all about it.”

Chapter 20

2009-09-19T16:37:00.001-07:00

Margaret, Diane, Shirley and Pat were already seated in the room. After settling in the same seat as last week, I waited for Sarah to arrive. Apologizing for her tardiness, Sarah took a seat beside me. Her pumps and purse matched the purple of her skirt.

Margaret, her hair pulled back into a ponytail, opened with a prayer and a brief introduction. Then she asked, “Did everyone enjoy this chapter of our study?”

Pat nearly jumped out of her seat. “I loved it. It’s so true. It’s exactly what I’ve been telling Doug. Forgive at all costs.”

Margaret nodded and opened her study book to the page Pat quoted from. She read, “We learn that good things happen not through a refusal to forgive but through the insistence that we must forgive at all costs.”

“Yes, that’s it! We must forgive at all costs.”

Shirley squirmed worse than a bucket full of bait.

Margaret turned to Shirley and asked, “Do you have something to say, Shirley?”

Nervously, Shirley chewed at her nails. “No.”

Margaret pursued. “Do you agree with the statement?”

I rubbed the finger where my wedding ring used to be. No! There are people out there that don’t deserve our forgiveness.

Shirley echoed my thoughts, “Well, honestly I have a real tough time with this. What if someone killed your husband? You are asking me to forgive them?” She put her fingers on her eyebrows and pushed them outward as if massaging them.

Deep in thought, my head snapped up as Diane exclaimed, “Joseph! Now dere is someone who refused to let bitterness and resentment get into his heart. He believed dat vengeance was not his, but God’s. In order to become as powerful as he was he had to forgive.”

Pat said, “Yeah it’s like the play I saw with Doug, Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat.” She turned to me, “Did you see it?”

Caught off guard, I scrambled to answer, “Umm, no. But I’ve heard it was good.”

Sensing my confusion, Margaret explained, “Joseph struggled to forgive his brothers who had bullied and planned to murder him, but then sold him into slavery. Joseph then spent years in an Egyptian jail. Eventually, despite his loss and hurt he forgave his brothers.”

Sarah said, “There’s a good children’s movie that I have at home called ‘Joseph: King of Dreams’. You can borrow it and watch it with Caitlin.”

I smiled and nodded, “I’d like that, thanks.”

Margaret continued the discussion, “It says here that we must forgive at all costs. What does this mean to you, Diane?”

Diane, always ready with an answer, offered, “I believe it means we must forgive even if we don’t want to. We must forgive even if de person we forgive doesn’t deserve it.”

Why should I forgive Rod for what he’s done to Caitlin?

Shirley timidly asked, “But if we forgive, doesn’t this make us weak?”

Shirley had a point there.

Pat said, “Of course not! Why would you ask that?”

Margaret interrupted, “No, Shirley’s question is a good one. Does it make us look weak?”

Pat answered, “When Joseph finally forgave his brothers, it was a sign of strength not weakness. I’m sure the hurt didn’t disappear, but the burden of being their judge fell away.”

Margaret looked directly at me.

“Well, I wonder too. In my case…” I couldn’t finish the sentence.

Margaret’s eyes looked deep into my own, encouraging me to continue talking.

“Well, my situation is different. I recently found out some horrific news. I’m afraid that I can’t forgive in this case.”

Shirley shot me a quizzical look. No one talked. My eyes welled with tears. I said, “My ex-husband molested my young daughter.” I felt the heat of embarrassment creep up my neck. I looked around the table, afraid that I’d said too much.

Pat gasped and placed her hands over her mouth. Diane shook her head side to side and reached over to put her hand over my own. Sarah had a thread of understanding in her eyes. Margaret sat statue still.

With a knot of tension in my chest, I flipped the pages of my study book. “It says here, ‘We must forgive at all costs.’ What are the costs? Others may think that the abuse never happened. Others may think that my child’s a liar. That I’m a liar. Others may think that Rod isn’t such a bad person. That I’m a bad person.” I stopped and let the tightness in my throat ease. “I don’t want to condone his actions.”

Diane interrupted, “But Header, forgiving doesn’t excuse him for doing wrong.”

The others nodded in agreement. Diane continued, “You cannot change dem, you can only change yourself. To change yourself, you must forgive. Release de beast of anger and unforgiveness. It’s a much cheaper price to pay den de expense of carrying dem within your heart.”

“You know, Diane, you’re right. I want to believe you, but it’s hard.” My words were barely audible.

“Dat’s right, Header. To forgive is not easy. But ask God to help you to forgive your ex-husband. Of course you can’t do dis alone. It’s not a natural act. You need God to help you. Trust Him. De only way to do dis is with the power of de Holy Spirit.”

“How do I access this power?” I wasn’t sure that this was something I would believe.

Inspired, Margaret moved forward, “Can we pray for you?”

My emotions darted around me. I smoothed my hair and slowly nodded my consent. As I leaned against the back of the chair, the ladies stood and surrounded me, seeming to create a protective embrace against the hurt and the doubts.

Each put her hand on my shoulders as I stared at the floor. It was a pattern of dark and light tiles in a checkerboard pattern. I closed my eyes and listened to the melody of their voices. They prayed aloud for God to help me to forgive Rod. They prayed for healing of our relationship. They prayed for me to let go of bitterness. They prayed for Caitlin. My nose tingled and a tear escaped from the corner of my eye.

Yes, Lord I want to forgive. Yes, God I want to be free. I need Your power.

With these prayers, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. A small measure of hope sparked in my heart.

Chapter 21

2009-09-19T16:36:00.001-07:00

Sarah greeted me at the door with a wide smile.

“Come in! Did you have any trouble finding the place?” she asked while reaching forward to take our coats.

“No, your directions were great. Caitlin and I don’t get out into the country very much and it was neat to see all the animals. Was that a petting zoo we saw at the corner?” I shed my coat and helped Caitlin with hers.

“Yeah, they operate the zoo as a supplement to their farming income. They have all kinds of animals. Tessa and I go in the springtime to see the new babies. You should join us this April.” Sarah turned and called for her daughter.

“Tessa has been looking forward to spending time with Caitlin all morning. I had trouble getting her to finish her breakfast.” Sarah nodded her head towards the kitchen where I saw dishes sitting on the table.

Tessa bounded up the stairs. Her bone-straight blonde hair was combed into piggy tails. “Caitlin!” She clapped her hands with excitement. “C’mon, I wanna show you my dolls.” Tessa took hold of Caitlin’s hand and pulled her towards the stairs.

“Would you like a tea?” Sarah asked, content to let the girls go play together.

“I’d love one, thanks.” I followed Sarah into the kitchen. The kitchen was spacious and bright. It smelled like a mixture of cinnamon and vanilla. Little red apples adorned the chair pads, tablecloth, valance and tea cozy. The kitchen table was a thick oak wood with chairs to match. It truly looked like a “country kitchen”.

“Are you enjoying the Bible study?” Sarah gestured for me to sit and placed a plate full of baked goodies on the table in front of me.

“Hmm, I am. I surprised myself, actually. I didn’t think I’d like it, but it’s been like ‘group therapy’ for me.”

Sarah giggled and sat next to me. “Yeah, the women really are wonderful. Steve and I don’t have family in the area anymore, so they’ve been like my extended family. I’ve grown so much since coming to this church and especially the Bible studies. Do you go to church anywhere?”

“Well, no. I’ve never been fond of church. I went with my parents when I was growing up but the day I was allowed to make the decision for myself was the day I decided not to go. I find the church full of hypocrites.” I quickly added, “No offence!”

Sarah smiled, “No offence taken. I agree with you.”

I looked at Sarah to see if she was teasing me. “You do?”

“Yes, of course. That’s what makes the church special to me. People who go to church aren’t perfect. That’s why they go to church! They’re Christians who realize that they need God in their life.”

I took a bite of a coconut mallow cookie, “I see your point. I guess I just thought that you had to have it all together before you went to church.”

Sarah smiled and her eyes lit up, “No, not at all. You try to get it all together after you go to church and pray for God’s help.”

Tessa interrupted us, “Mommy, can we watch the movie?”

Sarah looked at me. “Did you want to watch the movie now, or just want to chat?”

“Let’s chat and we can let the girls watch the movie together. I can watch it another time by myself.” I brushed a few crumbs off the tablecloth and smiled.

Sarah left to set up the movie for the girls and then brought them a plate of powdered sugar cookies and lemonade. I enjoyed the comfort of her kitchen, sipping my tea. When Sarah returned she took a deep breath and started to ask, “Heather, would you…” The phone interrupted her question. She took the call and then returned to the table moments later. “It was only telemarketers. They know I’m home during the day and must have my number on speed dial. If it rings again, I’ll let the machine pick it up. More tea?”

Sarah filled my cup and then her own and returned to her seat. She folded her small hands around her tea mug and looked me in the eyes. She quickly moved her eyes and stared into her tea.

“What is it?” I asked.

Sarah folded her arms and leaned toward me. “I hope you don’t think I’m being too forward but I didn’t know if you wanted to talk more about it?” Sarah shifted in her seat, obviously uncomfortable with the topic. “I’ve been praying for you, but have had trouble knowing how to really help.”

I reached over and put a hand on her shoulder. “Thanks, Sarah. I’m not sure what else there is to say. Right now, I’m just living day by day. But I would appreciate your prayers.”

Sarah put a finger in the air, “That, I can do!” She then looked my way and asked, “Can you tell me a little bit about your ex, Rod? How did you two meet?”

Memories clenched my stomach. Sarah seemed genuinely interested and the girls were watching the movie downstairs so I told her my story. I had just ended a four-year relationship that had turned sour. I celebrated my newfound freedom at a local pub when I met Rod. At first I didn’t like him. There was something deeply disturbing about him yet he grew on me – like olives.

Sarah laughed at my analogy. “I never liked olives until I was pregnant with Tessa.”

I continued my story and told her how Rod was all charm and flattery and eventually I let down my guard. On our first date, he showed up twenty minutes early. I arrived home from work to find him waiting on the front step. Although I felt a little put off at first, Rod’s smile, a deceptive deciduous smile, changed that. Rod said all the right things at all the right times. In his eyes, I was a princess. He wrote me poems, and left love notes in my email inbox. He called me, not once a day, but three times. “He couldn’t get enough of me,” I said and stirred a pinch more sugar into my tea.

I continued telling her about Rod and how we talked for hours about everything. We liked the same books, watched the same television programs, and enjoyed the same hobbies. He worked shifts and we worked on opposite schedules.

“Where’d he work?” Sarah asked.

I explained that he was the manager in the meat department of a grocery store. He said he liked his job – he’d done it for almost fifteen years and liked the staff under him; eager teenage girls, who listened to anything Rod told them.

I returned to my story and explained how many times Rod showed up at my office to surprise me. He would just sit and watch me work. I became his world. And I loved every minute of it. I’d never had such attention. Never felt so special. We were engaged within the month. The wedding was huge.

“Do you think that you loved the treatment because you had to share your father’s attention with your older sister?”

Sarah’s question surprised me. “No, I don’t think so. My dad showered us both with attention.” I was embarrassed to share that I thought I loved Rod because of how he made me feel. He made me laugh. I didn’t tire of hearing his jokes repeated from bar to bar. Everything he said struck me as funny.

Rod had a magnetism that always attracted at least one other person no matter where we went. We were never alone. Rod enjoyed being the centre of attention. We partied every weekend. Mondays came too soon and Fridays not soon enough.

“It sounds like you had a fun marriage.”

“I thought so, too. But then I got pregnant. When I got pregnant, I quit smoking, gave up drinking and became a responsible human being. Rod never changed. We grew apart. We were married for nine years and separated just before our tenth anniversary.”

Sarah’s eyes were moist as she listened to my story. “That’s sad. I’m so sorry.” She leaned over and gave me a one-armed hug. She abruptly changed the subject. “Thanks for the invitation to Caitlin’s birthday party later. I think going to Burger King is a great idea.”

“Yeah, the apartment is too small for a party and, of course Caitlin wanted all the kids from her class to come.” I gave a resigned shrug.

“Hey, would you like to come with me to church on Sunday?”

I muffled a groan. “Oh, I don’t know, Sarah. It’s been so long since I’ve been. Let me think about it, okay.”

A smile lit Sarah’s face. “Yeah, of course. Let me know when you want to go and Steve and I could pick you up.”

“That’s okay,” I said, giving her a wink. “It’s only a two-minute walk for me!”

**

“Mommy, Mommy.” Caitlin tugged at my sweater. “Tessa’s here!”

I looked up from the collection of birthday presents on the table and saw Sarah and Tessa entering Burger King’s side door. Sarah waved. “Sorry we’re late. Time got away from me.”

I smiled. “No worries. The kids are all here running around in the play area.” I leaned over with my hands on my thighs. “Tessa, you can leave your coat with your mom, leave your shoes by the wall and join the other kids.”

Caitlin took her hand and led her to the yellow slide in the play area.

“Wow. No other parents? How many kids?” Sarah asked as she placed her own gift, elegantly wrapped in cloth with an ornamental knot made of ribbon, on the table with the others.

“You’re the last to arrive. Ten altogether. I’m glad the play area has that sound proof wall. Those kids could hit a decibel level that scares dogs. Would you like a pop or something?”

“I’m good, thanks. So what’s the plan?”

“Well, I thought the kids could play and burn some of their excitement. After we eat, Caitlin can open her presents and then we’ll have the cake. After that, the kids can play again until their parents return.”

“Sounds good.” Sarah sat down on the blue plastic bench. She reached for a cardboard crown and placed it on her head. “How’s it look?” She giggled.

“It fits you to a tee!”

Taking the hat off, Sarah looked at her watch. “Goodness. If you want these kids to eat, we should probably call them back into the dining area and get them seated. How ‘bout I help them with their shoes while you take their food orders? Then you can go up and order while I get them seated.”

“Great idea! Thanks for staying. I need the help.”

Sarah lined the kids up and helped them with their footwear as I wrote down their choice of burger and drink. Then they all raced into the seating area and scrambled for their places. The kids talked and laughed as they enjoyed their food.

Once all the kids were finished, I said, “Okay kids, it’s time to open presents. Gather around.”

Caitlin beamed in the middle of the group. I pulled the card out of each bag and handed the present to Caitlin. I read the card and the name of the child who gave it. She gushed with every gift. “A Polly Pocket. Oh, I love it.” “A Papa Smurf. I don’t have this one.” “A Littlest Pet Shop. How cute.” She quickly put each gift aside to wait with hands held open for the next one.

“Slow down, girl. We’re not in a hurry.”

Caitlin finished opening all her gifts and went around hugging each of her little friends. Sarah tidied up the wrappings, bags and envelopes as I once again had the kids sit in their seats for cake.

Once I lit the candles, the children sang loud enough that everyone in the restaurant could hear. “Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Caitlin, Happy Birthday to you!” Caitlin blew out the candles and even the patrons of Burger King joined in the clapping.

“I get the first piece! I want the piece with the flower on it…Daddy?”

I was about to correct her when I followed her gaze and saw Rod entering through the front door. He was talking on his cell phone and hadn’t yet noticed us. Trailing behind him was a skinny girl with bleached hair and bleached teeth to match.

Sarah touched my elbow and pulled me back from the kids. “Is that Rod? Did you invite him?”

“Of course not! I didn’t even tell him we were having a party. He must be just coming in for supper. Or maybe this is where he takes his girlfriends on a date.” I said under my breath.

Before I could stop her, Caitlin called to Rod across the restaurant. “Daddy!”

Rod looked up, puzzled at first. Then he spoke a few quick words into the phone and folded it into his pocket. “Caitlin! Hello!”

“Daddy, you came to my party.” Her voice changed to a baby-like timbre.

“Of course, Honey. I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he gushed scanning the room. He stared directly at me then picked her up. “Of course I wouldn’t forget your birthday. Why else would I be here?”

Caitlin straddled his hips and gave him a kiss on the lips. “Where’s Chrissy? That’s not Chrissy.”

“Christine couldn’t make it. So I invited Kelli. That’s okay with you, right?” He jangled loose change in his pocket.

“Sure. Oh, Daddy. Come meet my friends.” She squirmed out of his arms and led him over to her friends. She introduced him to each one.

“Any friend of my little girl is a friend of mine.” He patted Sydney and ruffled her hair. “So you’re all here to celebrate Caitlin’s 18th birthday?”

The kids squealed in laughter “She’s not 18! She’s five.”

My stomach did flip-flops. “I wonder if he actually remembered it was her birthday today,” I whispered to Sarah.

Sarah stepped forward. “Nice to see you, Rod. Are you planning to stay for cake?”

He pasted on a sickly cat smile and scanned her entire body from toes to head. “Thanks for the offer.” He took Sarah’s hand in both of his and moved in close to her face. “I’d love to, but seeing that this is an all girls gathering, I just came by to wish my daughter a happy birthday.”

Obviously he didn’t take notice of the little boys.

“Do you have a present for me?” Caitlin asked.

I poked Sarah with my finger. How’s he going to squirm out of this? I remembered that last year he took her to a gas station convenience store to pick out her gift.

Rod licked his lips. “Of course, Honey. But I’ll give it to you when it’s just the two of us.” His eyes met mine and I suppressed a gag. “For now, I just want to give you a hug and wish you a great party. Daddy’s gotta go now. You kids have fun.” He winked at Sarah as he left, without buying his supper.

“Bye Daddy!” Caitlin danced from foot to foot like she needed to go to the bathroom.

“Bye Mr. Williams!” The kids called after him.

I smirked. Oh, he’ll love that!

“Yuck. What a slimy guy. He gives me the creeps.”

“Welcome to my world.”

Chapter 22

2009-09-19T16:35:00.002-07:00

Returning for the third time to Bradley’s home lifted my spirits. It truly felt like a sanctuary in the city. Green, yellow and orange leaves blanketed the long driveway. Barley, the old dog, greeted us with his tail wagging.

I opened the red door and followed Caitlin in. Bradley called from upstairs, “Hello, come in. Come right upstairs.”

We ascended the stairs and found Bradley cleaning brushes under the tap.

“I thought we would start in the studio today to do painting. Would you like that Caitlin?”

Caitlin nodded and sat on a round stool at the table.

“Would you like your mom to stay, or to leave and come back later?”

“She can come back later.” Caitlin smiled at me.

“Okay, Caity-Cat. I’ll return in an hour.”

“Bye, Mommy.”

I descended the stairs and took my time leaving the play place. Once outside, I decided not to leave the beauty of Bradley’s grounds but instead I strolled around. Seeing me walking towards the backyard, Barley lifted to all fours and came chasing after me. I looked at everything in Bradley’s yard with new eyes. How I would love to create such an oasis some day in my own place. Plants of every color overflowed the gardens. Rocks lined a supporting wall, stuffed full with moss. A stone formation stood in the middle of the yard, next to a bench constructed of old barn wood. Birdhouses hung in trees and a footpath of creeping ground cover wound through the gardens. A swing covered with a dark green canopy invited guests to sit and relax. I sat at a bench but then stood again to examine it. It would be easy enough to make; there were two fieldstones a foot apart with a large stone slab on top.

I continued walking. Rounding the house, I found a small trail made of crushed stone that led into a thicket of woods. Following the path, I came upon a beautiful pine wood hut. It was obviously a place for solitude and meditation. Grape vines hung on the outside, long-dried and picked.

Entering the hut, I found it warm with a scent of lavender. The smell took me back to a memory of washing my hands with pale purple soap after spending the day fishing with my father. I remembered how Dad would load me into the old gray truck and drive to a secluded woods. We would carry our rods and tackle box along a thin path until it opened onto a small stream. Here we would sit for half a day and fish. Dad always surprised me by producing an apple or pear from his coat pocket when I got hungry. We chewed gum and chatted about nothing. Dad put the worm on the hook for me and took off my fish, usually a small sunfish. It was a magical time for me to spend with my dad all to myself.

Barley scratched on the door and pulled me from my reverie. I stood and stretched and then continued on my walk, noticing stone creations along the path. It was a wonderland. Staring down at the path, I asked out loud, “Where did it all go wrong?”

Barley stopped and cocked his head to the side as if listening. I crouched down and scratched behind his ear. He dropped to the ground and begged for me to pat his belly. Sitting beside him I rubbed his rough fur. “Barley, where did it all go wrong? I mean, what happened to my fairy tale life? I wanted to find my knight in shining armor, get married and live happily ever after. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be separated in my thirties, defending my daughter against abuse from her father.”

Barley ignored my questions. He shifted on his back begging for more rubbing. I continued. “I thought Rod was that knight. I thought he would make me happy and take care of me like my dad did. How could I have been so blind?”

Barley’s ear twitched and he lifted his head. A rustle in the leaves brought him to all fours and he bounded into the trees after a squirrel.

I put my elbows on my knees and rested my chin in my hands. I remembered how good our marriage had been in the beginning. How it contrasted with the last few months of living together. Rod’s mood swings were frustrating. I remembered how Rod threatened me one night that he would sell all his assets to friends, go on long-term disability and then “forget” to make child support payments. But then the following morning, he said he wanted to ensure that we had a year before actually divorcing just in case he wanted to patch things up and work on our marriage. I didn’t know what to believe. One day he would slew a profanity at me but then the next day he’d dedicate a song on the radio to me. I remember feeling like a seaman trying to patch the leaks in a sinking ship before it went down completely. But, with all our marriage difficulties, I never imagined that he could do this to our only child. That he could do it at all. I fished a tissue from my pocket and dabbed my eyes.

I heard the crunch of gravel from Barley’s paws on the path, glanced at my watch, and realized that the hour was almost over. I retraced my steps and returned to Bradley’s home.

“Hello, I’m back,” I called stepping inside.

“I’ll be right down,” Bradley replied. Caitlin stayed upstairs. I could hear the water flowing as she cleaned her paintbrushes.

Bradley stood before me with a large grin, “Heather, your daughter is a very contented child. She obviously has the support she needs from you, your parents and the babysitter. In our session today, I learned that she is feeling safe with the arrangement with the supervisor.”

“Oh, thank goodness.” His words were like balm to my soul.

“I would like to recommend that I only see Caitlin a couple more times. She seems to be doing fine now and coping very well. Perhaps we could change our appointments to a monthly basis.”

“Really? You think she’s okay already?”

“Of course, as she grows older she’ll probably need to see me again; around puberty, and as a preteen. That sort of thing.”

I cringed. I hadn’t really thought that far ahead. Somehow I thought that once we got through this we would be able to put it behind us forever.

Bradley sensed my apprehension and added, “Caitlin is a very resilient girl, with an extremely optimistic outlook on life. Her recovery has been outstanding. It’s not usual to see this but it’s not unheard of. I really feel that she is on her way to being a healthy, happy young girl.”

As if on cue, Caitlin skipped down the stairs. “All done!” She presented me with her masterpiece. Tears of joy wet my eyes as I looked at her artwork. It was the scene from our apartment window – a huge tree, green with life, and a beautiful blue lake behind it. The sun shone down on two people holding hands. Caitlin pointed to the picture, “That’s you, Mommy. And that’s me.”

Meeting Bradley’s eyes, I gave a small nod. I agreed – she was on her way to being a healthy, happy girl.

Chapter 23

2009-09-19T16:35:00.001-07:00

Today’s treats were lemon tarts, coconut bars and chocolate brownies. So many treats, so little time. Undecided on which one to take I loaded a plate with one of each.

“Good to see you have your appetite back!” Susan chided.

I smiled sheepishly. “I’d hate for them to go to waste.”

“Waste or your waist?” she teased as we shared a laugh.

After prayer and singing, we descended the stairs to the smaller rooms.

I moved quickly and decided to sit on the other side of the table. As I watched the ladies enter, I slapped a hand over my mouth to suppress the laughter.

Margaret grinned, “So, you’ve decided to shake up our little group? I see that your true colors are starting to shine through.” She said this with a look of admiration.

Yes, I was starting to feel more like myself lately. I felt much more light-hearted and what was it, joyful? Yes, full of joy. Even though my circumstances hadn’t changed, I had.

Margaret began into this week’s study. She asked, “Why should we forgive?”

Diane planted her hands on her hips, “Because de Bible says so!”

Pat added, “You need to forgive others so God will forgive you. Mark 11:25 says that receiving God’s forgiveness for your sins and forgiving other people is the foundation of your walk with God.”

We all turned to this scripture verse in our Bibles and Pat read, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

I stared at the Dijon-mustard colored walls. I’d never really thought about it like that.

“Just like the Lord’s prayer says,” Shirley offered. “Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” She stopped to see if we were following her.

“Yes,” Margaret said, “we ask God to forgive us like we forgive others. So if you don’t forgive others, He won’t forgive you.”

It made me glad that I had prayed to forgive Rod already.

Margaret said, “We have the example of Jesus whose last words on the cross were: ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.’”

Sarah had sat quietly through the study but gave me a quizzical look every once in a while as I joked and laughed with the ladies.

Margaret reminded us that this was our last Bible study on forgiveness. “I hope you will all focus on the forgiving nature of God and the love and trust that grows in the heart of the one who is forgiven.” She then closed in prayer.

Sarah gently grabbed my arm and pulled me aside to sit in a quiet corner. “Heather, is this you?”

“What do you mean? Of course it’s me.” Now it was my turn to look at her with a question on my face.

“Well, you seem so… different.”

“I feel different.” Leaning the back of my chair against the wall, I said, “Sarah, when you first met me I was like an ugly old caterpillar. I was crawling along, trying not to get stepped on. But now I feel more like a butterfly. I feel like I can spread my wings and fly.” I held my arms out beside me and flapped.

Sarah laughed a light breathy laugh. “That’s the transforming power of God at work!”

“Sarah, you can’t know how wonderful this has been for me. How healing. How safe.” This group has forced me to look into the past and learn to forgive. How can I tell her what that’s meant to me?

“Here in the women’s group, my cocoon, I was forced to look inside. I was afraid. So afraid. Afraid of fully experiencing…the real pain. I was afraid that I’d… I wouldn’t come out of it. Know what I mean?” Tears pressed hotly at the back of my eyes.

Sarah nodded. Crinkle lines spidered out from the corners of her eyes.

I let my chair back down. “It’s hard to look forward, when it’s looming black behind you. It’s like walking toward a sunset, in a sky of orange and red, but feeling the tall, full clouds creeping up in the sky behind. You know what I mean?”

She looked past me as if recalling her own time of darkness. “Yes, I know exactly what you mean.”

I looked at the small clock on the wall. We only had five minutes left before Sarah had to collect Tessa from the daycare.

“I was full of fear. I felt nauseous all the time. It wasn’t until I released my anger and forgave Rod, that I felt any peace. When I prayed to forgive Rod I sensed an invisible burden fall from my shoulders.”

Sarah leaned over and gave me a warm hug. “I’m so happy for you, my friend. I know that the pain of being betrayed doesn’t fade easily. But if you don’t forgive then you can be crippled in the healing process.”

I hugged her back. Her hair smelled like apples. “Thanks for the coffee break!”

Chapter 24

2009-09-19T16:34:00.000-07:00

Exactly on time, the door buzzer rang. I called into the speaker, “Come on up!”

Christine Hickey, the C.A.S. appointed supervisor, knocked softly.

I cracked open the door while trying to hold Blue-Casey back with my foot. “Hi, Christine. Please come in. Caitlin’s almost ready.”

Christine stepped into the apartment and waited for Caitlin, pulling her gloves off one finger at a time.

Caitlin came out of her bedroom and skipped over. “Hi, Chrissy!”

Christine knelt down to meet Caitlin’s eyes and said, “Hi Caitlin. Ready to go?”

“Yep,” Caitlin said with a smile. She turned and gave me a hug. “Bye, Mommy.”

“Bye, Caity-Cat. You have a great day. Love you.”

“Love you, Mommy.”

Christine took Caitlin’s hand and moved into the hall.

Christine turned her attention to me. “We’ll be back around 6:30 again.”

I didn’t feel near the anxiety I had the first few times Caitlin had gone with Christine. I had a strange sense of peace about the whole arrangement.

When the phone rang, I quickly shut the door, and picked up the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Heather. It’s Sarah. I know that Caitlin’s gone for the day and so I wanted to ask if you’d like to join me for some Christmas shopping?”

“I’d love to! I haven’t even started yet.”

“Pick you up around 10:30?”

“I’ll be ready.”

Sarah showed up wearing a chocolate brown sports jacket and white jeans. Climbing into the passenger side of her van, I felt a buzz of excitement about spending the day shopping with a girlfriend.

“Where would you like to go? Anywhere in particular, or do you just want to hit the mall?” Sarah asked while backing out of the parking lot.

“I’d love to go to the mall. It’s been so long!”

We chatted about the weather and the girls and school. We talked about our parents, siblings and how we both missed the one-of-a-kind craft show. We reminisced about high school days. It’d been a long time since I got to chat about every day girlie stuff.

“Let’s start with a latté!” Sarah said as soon as we walked through the doors of the mall.

“Great idea.” I took hold of Sarah’s arm and we marched over to Starbucks. With hot drinks in hand we browsed the mall to map out our plan of shops to hit. We bounced gift ideas off each other for our families. I wanted to buy Caitlin some winter clothes but she was more interested in toys and games. We roamed around in our conversation from books to gardening to health, jabbering at each other incessantly just as we roamed around in the mall. We finished our drinks, simultaneously looked at our watches and hoofed it to the first store.

After a few hours, I felt elated to be weighed down with four large bags of gifts. I had completed my list in one day. I’d never been so efficient and had so much fun.

Sarah looked down at her bags, “Steve’s gonna kill me,” she said with a laugh. “And I haven’t even got anything for him yet!”

“Well, we still have time. We could dump our bags in the van and focus on finding the perfect gift.”

“Great idea. Let’s do that.”

We headed back towards the parking lot when Sarah decided to stop at the mall convenience store for a pack of gum. I waited while looking over the magazines on the rack. My eye caught the cover of one of the books on the top shelf. It was a pornographic magazine. “Oh, isn’t that stuff disgusting! I can’t believe they can sell it here at the corner store,” I said shaking my head.

Sarah offered me a piece of gum. “My brother, Sean, is a counsellor who deals a lot with porn-addicted guys. He’s convinced that’s the strongest predictor of the desensitization and objectification that leads to abusive behavior.”

“I can believe that now. Rod loved pornography. Honestly, the stuff he looked at embarrassed me. He kept magazines in his office and I interrupted him a couple of times looking at it on the Internet.”

Sarah blew her breath upward to riffle her bangs. “Sean says it operates like an addiction to an internal chemical and the guy will do whatever it takes to get his fix.”

“That’s scary. Especially considering how accessible it is.” I gave a wave at the magazines on the rack as we walked back into the mall.

“And like you said, anyone can access the Internet. Kids as young as grade six are exploring pornography on websites.”

The cold air hit us like a wall when we opened the doors to the parking lot.

“That’s something I didn’t think I’d have to worry about.” Spotting the van, we picked up the
pace to get out of the cold.

“How about we take our minds off this and do more shopping!” Sarah dumped her bags into the backseat.

“I’m with you, my friend.” Dropping my bags, I felt ready to tackle more shopping. We headed back to the mall, bumping against one another companionably as we walked.

Chapter 25

2009-09-19T16:33:00.000-07:00

A cold dreary November morning… the sky was heavy with the threat of snow, darkening to a deep plumy shade of black. I sat at the lawyer’s office. Waiting. Again. The heavy ticking of the clock on the wall only made the time go by slower. I was acutely aware of all the noises in the office; the chatter of the receptionist on the telephone, the hum of the photocopier, the ring of the fax. I glanced at the clock and wondered if I should leave to put more quarters in the parking meter. I’d hate to get a ticket. I wished I could give my lawyer a ticket for being late. I wondered if I should call my mother to let her know that I haven’t even been in to see the lawyer yet about the upcoming Settlement Conference. I was glad that my parents had offered to take Caitlin for the weekend.

The receptionist looked up from behind her desk and nodded. She then hung up the phone and called my name. I approached her desk.

“Yes.”

“That was Ms. Turner on the phone. She asked me to tell you that she got held up at court but she’ll be here shortly.”

“Thanks.”

I returned to my seat, exasperated. She’s almost an hour late!

The clock ticked on. I found my mind wandering to think about Dr. Mott. Bill took over for my boss, Dr. Hatherly, at the dental clinic only a year ago. I remember noticing the intensity of his warm sea-gray eyes when he first introduced himself. His eyes twinkled as he took my hand and shook it firmly. I knew little about him except that he didn’t wear a wedding ring and had recently moved to the area from out East. He had been practicing dentistry for a little over ten years but was looking for a partnership when Dr. Hatherly announced his retirement. Dr. Mott hit it off well with the other dentists at the clinic and was invited to join right away. I remember the flutter of my heart when he first walked through the clinic doors.

“Ms. Williams?” My lawyer approached. “Sorry to keep you waiting. I got held up in court. You know how it is.” She laughed but there was no gaiety in the sound.

“Oh, that’s alright,” I managed with a fake smile, “I didn’t mind the wait.”

When we entered her office, Ms. Turner got right to work. “Due to the Christmas holidays, the court date has been changed from December 27 to January 7.” At my frightened look she added, “The C.A.S will continue to provide a supervisor until this time.”

She went on, “This conference will be very much like the first. You present your Plan of Care, the C.A.S and Rod present theirs and then the judge makes a decision. Do you have any questions?”

I rubbed my temples and sighed. “So let me see if I have this right. The judge could accept my Plan of Care and order that Caitlin continue to be supervised by a C.A.S contract worker until she is 18? Or he could accept the C.A.S Plan of Care that Caitlin be supervised by a family member?”

She flashed me a syrupy smile. “Right. But he could also change the order and agree with Rod’s Plan of Care to have no supervisor at all.”

Pinpricks of unease rode my spine. “That’s still an option? How can it be when the C.A.S themselves have deemed Caitlin in need of protection?” My voice raised an octave.

Her eyes narrowed to slits. “Anything’s possible, Heather. This is a new judge and I don’t know him. He comes here from Detroit. I’m not sure where he stands on these issues.”

My head was swimming. These past weeks of supervised visits had finally given me some normalcy in my life and now one man could change all that?

“What options do I have if he orders no supervision?”

She faked a honeyed smile. “Let’s take it one day at a time. If he orders no supervision, we can bring it to trial.”

“A full-blown trial where Caitlin would have to go on stand and I’d have to bring in Donna?” My stomach felt queasy.

“Yes, but let’s not think about that for now. Let’s wait and see what happens.”

My shoulders slumped. Stunned, I gathered my things and left her office.

**

Arriving at my empty apartment, I wandered through the small rooms blankly until finally I collapsed on my bed. I cried until my throat hurt. I wanted to crawl under my pillow and die. Blue-Casey, sensing my distress, leaped onto the bed and curled up beside me.

Anger replaced my sorrow. “I thought You were a loving God! I thought You cared about me. All my life I’ve learned that God is love, that God takes care of His own. Well, I guess that doesn’t include me!”

I felt a seething, black hatred inside. Not only had I been betrayed by a man I once shared a bed with but my very own God betrayed me. He turned His back on me when I needed Him most.

The rage subsided and my tears dried. An ache of loneliness absorbed my thoughts. My dead weight body dragged me down into a restless sleep on top of my bed covers.

The next morning, I awoke to a dismal day. The sky threatened snow with a smoky gray-greenish hue. Perfect, just perfect. I turned over and crawled under the covers still wearing my clothes from the night before.

I awoke hours later and the memories of my meeting with the lawyer swarmed in on my thoughts. My cries came in gasping sobs. I must have cried myself back to sleep because the next time I awoke it was 11 p.m. Dark in my room, it matched my heart. I got up, went to the bathroom and changed into my pajamas. I crawled back into bed.

Sunday morning broke with a ray of sunshine. The weather improved my mood a little. I stood at the window watching a little speckled bird pecking the ground. If I were going to get out of this funk I’d have to call for help. I picked up the phone and dialled Sarah’s number. She should be home from church by now.

“Hi, Sarah, it’s Heather. I’m just calling to let you know that I met with the lawyer and she told me that the court date has been changed to January 7.”

“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll write it on my calendar to pray that day. What else can I do?”

I bit my lip and gave a resigned sigh. “I’m not sure. For months, I knew this day was coming. But I’m not sure what to do. Sarah, I’m scared.”

“Do you have time for a visit? Can I meet you somewhere for tea?”

I looked around my apartment. I could get dressed and tidy up quickly. “Yes, I’d like that. How about my place?”

Sarah agreed.

**

The buzzer sounded just as I put away a pair of Caitlin’s winter boots. “Come on up.” I pressed the release and opened the apartment door.

Blue-Casey greeted Sarah with his tail held high. Sarah entered and came right over to give me a hug. “This isn’t easy, is it?”

My voice sounded strangled, “Oh, Sarah, I just keep thinking about Caitlin. She’s so innocent. She’s finally becoming an “average” little girl. She smiles a lot more. She even sings.”

Sarah cupped her chin in her hand.

“I don’t want that to change – ever. I saw how he robbed her of her innocence. He cheated her out of her young years. I saw that we were just regaining that youth. I don’t want her to suffer. I want to protect her. And I want her to stay protected…Sorry, I haven’t even poured us a tea and already I’m crying on your shoulder.”

Moving into the kitchen I put the kettle on for tea and placed a few almond cookies on a plate. Sunlight streamed through the window, streaking the walls and floor a bright yellow. We sat at the table.

“Heather, you’ve done everything in your power to keep your daughter protected. Now you’ve got to put your trust in God.” Sarah’s voice was soft and her eyes pleading.

“I know. While things were going good and I was content in the fact that Caitlin was supervised and safe, I could sing God’s praises. But now, well, now it’s different.” I poured two cups of tea.

“But remember this isn’t just a matter of praying and blindly trusting. Like praying that your landlord will paint the apartment walls and hoping that he’ll pick a nice color.” Sarah pursed her lips. “No, you’re putting your trust in God. It’s a matter of absolute surrender.” She squirted some lemon into her tea.

“But how could I live with myself if Caitlin was abused again?” The words rushed out as my tears rushed down my cheeks.

Sarah moved closer and rubbed my back. She spoke softly, “Heather, you’re not giving control to just anyone. You’re not giving control to another human, like a friend, lawyer or protection worker. You’re giving control to God. Remember His promise?”

Yes, I remembered His promise. How could I forget? I memorized the words that I wrote in my journal. I repeated the promise, “Trust in Him and your child will be safe.”

“Heather,” Sarah lifted my chin so that she could look in my eyes, “Do you believe this promise?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat, “This is my child. This isn’t a precious rock collection we’re talking about here. This is my child. Not an apartment, not finances, not my health, not even my parents. This is the most important thing in the whole world. I can’t give her up easily.”

“Heather…”

I stared at my feet through the tears, unable to answer her.

“You’ve done all you can. Now you have to let God take over. And from all you’ve told me, it sounds as if God’s had some major divine leading in your life.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, coming to the Bible study; Caitlin’s chicken pox before safety measures were put in place; getting the appointment with Bradley. Wow. You’re giving up control to God to save Caitlin.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“No, I didn’t say it was easy. But it’s the best thing. You know it is.”

I know. I found myself nodding, I know.

“Would you like to pray?”

I continued nodding slowly as Sarah took my hands into hers, “Dear Lord, we are asking that You take over. Direct Heather and guide her in what she must do. Fulfill Your promise to protect her child now and always.”

I tried to breathe in slowly through my nose and release the air through my mouth.

“Fill her with peace. Wash over her and calm her nerves. Let her walk in the light of Your promise. Take away her doubts. Take away her fear. When the shadow falls over her heart, remove it and replace it with Your light.”

I opened my eyes to look at the stream of light coming through the window. “Lord, bless her with trust. Fill her with faith. Remove the fear. Destroy the doubts. Pour Your love into her. Open her heart to receive You. Quiet her mind to hear Your words.”

I nodded in agreement.

“She can’t do this alone. Send Your Holy Spirit to hold her up. Give her wisdom, knowledge and patience to deal with all the ugliness. Close her mouth against quick reactions. Quiet her to hear You. Lord, I know You love her more than even she loves Caitlin. In this she shall rest. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.”

Her prayer reminded me of Janice’s. The tiniest, fleeting smile tugged at the corners of my lips.

“Sarah, you truly are a God-send. Thank you so much.”

“Hey, how about warming up my tea?”

**

The next morning, I waved to Caitlin as she found her seat on the bus. It was sunny outside, but not too warm, with tiny clouds that scudded across the sky. Once the bus had gone and I was back inside the apartment, I sank into the couch.

Although I had felt good yesterday, I felt a heaviness bearing down on me again today. I felt like a sand castle on the beach with a five-foot wave about to crash down on me. Blue-Casey rubbed my face with his own, caressing his nose against my upper cheek and forehead. It was just what I needed to get ready for work.

Arriving at the dental clinic, I ducked into the washroom and rearranged the stray black hairs that had escaped on my brisk walk there.

“Afternoon, sunshine,” Connie smirked from behind her desk. She obviously picked up on my mood.

“Hi, Connie. How are you?”

She wagged her manicured finger at me. “Better than you. What’s up?”

“Nothing.” Then changing the subject, I asked, “How was your date?”

Now it was Connie’s turn to frown. “Humph, a dud. He made me pay for my own dinner. Then he had the nerve to ask for money for gas!” She turned her back to me and mumbled, “I’ve got to find me a doctor, like you’ve got.”

I was in no mood for jokes, “Connie, I don’t have a doctor!”

Just then Bill entered the reception area. “Somebody call for a doctor?”

I could feel the heat rising right up my neck into my cheeks.

Connie took the opportunity to strike back, “Yeah, Heather here needs a doctor. Know any?”

Sinking into my chair, I couldn’t think of a quick enough comeback. Bill turned his eyes on me and with raised eyebrows asked, “Is this true, Heather?”

I stammered, “Umm, yeah, well. Connie’s talking about my, umm, teeth. I haven’t had my own check-up since Dr. Hatherly retired.” Good one, Heather.

“You’ve got my schedule in your hands, Heather.” He said my name slowly, deliberately. “Why not make an appointment for yourself?”

“Okay, yeah, sure,” I mumbled.

“And while you’re at it, why don’t you make one for Caitlin, too. I haven’t seen her since I started here.”

After Dr. Mott returned to his office, I picked up my pen and threw it at Connie. “What’d you do that for?”

Connie let out a raucous laugh and sang, “You know you want it.”

I was about to counter her claim when a patient came through the doors. He was on time for his appointment. “Good afternoon, Mr. Corcoran. You can go in right away.”

Mr. Corcoran had a wide, ivory smile. He called, “Thanks, Heather,” as he headed down the hallway to Gail.

Ready to argue with Connie, I turned to her but she was busy on the phone with an insurance company. Oh well. She’s hopeless anyways.

While inputting client information, I let my mind return to the dark place it was earlier. Something sinister inside of me wanted to keep worrying about the court date. Questions started to rise, What is going to happen? What if I go to this Settlement Conference expecting to settle on this issue of child protection and access, and he somehow manages to flip the issue to child custody? What if it becomes a custody battle? Is Rod going to ask for sole custody? Is he going to pull some kind of surprise punch? What am I in for? What if he files for emotional abuse? What if he starts a case against me? What if he wants Caitlin to reside primarily with him? What if he convinces the courts that I’m a bad mother? What if the lawyers and the judge believe him? What if he not only says no to supervised access, but he wants no supervision at all and I only get access visits? What if a case is made against me and I am the one defending myself and trying to get supervised access for myself?

Giving my head a shake, I walked to the kitchen to grab a coffee. I didn’t expect Bill to be there.

Dr. Mott looked up from his coffee and brushed his hair away from his eyes. “Did you pick a date for us?”

What? A date? Did he just ask me on another date?

Seeing my puzzled expression, he tapped his front teeth. “Your teeth. You wanted an appointment didn’t you?”

I couldn’t meet his eyes. I stammered, “No, sorry Mr. Corcoran came in and I forgot. I’ll do it now.” Turning to escape the awkward situation, I couldn’t get away fast enough before Bill stepped to the side and blocked my way.

“Heather?” His voice was quiet.

Face to face my heart pounded. I felt my pulse in my ears. Meeting his intense eyes, I could feel my face burning. I could smell his aftershave and let out a sigh.

“Yes, Bill?” I whispered.

He bent close to my ear, his breath warm against my lobe. “Heather, I was wondering if you’d….”
Just then Gail rushed in. “Oh, there you are! Gee whiz, Mr. Corcoran has been waiting for hours. Didn’t you hear the buzzer? I want to get out of here at a decent time today.” Gail stormed out again.

I turned my back to Bill, “You’d better get back to Mr. Corcoran or Gail’s going to have a nervous breakdown.”

“What else is new?” He mumbled as he turned slowly and left the kitchen.

Did he just kick the wall?

I filled my mug with hot coffee. My moods swung up and down like a fishing boat on an ocean wave. My shoulders felt tight, my chest constricted. I searched for “happy” thoughts but nothing came to the surface. A dark cloud loomed. I couldn’t relax.

Connie walked in, fixed her hand on her hip and gave me an exasperated look. “Why the sour puss? What now?”

Maybe if I talk about it, I’ll feel better. “I feel betrayed.”

“Go figure. The man you thought you loved did some pretty foul stuff.”

“No, I’m talking about the legal system.”

Connie perked up with interest.

“I feel betrayed by a system that on all other levels appears to have the best interests of my child in mind. But I doubt it. I doubt it very much.”

“What makes you think that?” Connie nibbled the nail of her baby finger.

“Well, I just found out that the new judge could order a return to the old way of doing things. He may order that Caitlin not be supervised at all. Or who knows, he could order that Caitlin live with Rod and I get access visits!” I stopped to calm down and lower my voice. “I don’t know how this new judge feels about abuse. He might not even believe that a father could, or worse would, abuse his own child. Maybe he’s never dealt with sexual abuse, with incest. And so he may actually endanger the very child he’s been chosen to protect!”

Connie looked around, “Calm down, Heather. Gee, sorry I asked.” She gave her nails a quick buff on the sleeve of her sweater and turned to go. She’d heard enough of my troubles for the day. Not that I expected her to understand.

That I may lose my child because some judge has fallen for Rod’s manipulative, lying tactics made me nauseous.

Heather, calm down. You’ve got to calm down.

The thoughts would not leave. They swirled in my mind like paper caught in a tornado. Pictures of Caitlin, before her disclosure, filled my mind. After a weekend with Rod, she would return a scared child who would relentlessly bite her nails. She turned away from my hugs and lashed out at the other kids at Donna’s. But after the disclosure, she started to blossom and heal. She stopped sucking her thumb.

I returned to my desk just as Mr. Corcoran approached. He tried to smile but the left side of his mouth drooped from the anaesthetic. “Did Dr. Mott get those sugar bugs?” Connie teased from her desk.

“Yes, and this will be the last time you see me. For at least six months.”

I mustered a smile for our long-time patient and wished him well. Inwardly I thanked him for stopping my train of thought. I had to focus on something else or I’d drive myself insane. I booked an appointment for Caitlin for December 6th and then I pulled out my reminder file and started to make telephone calls.

Chapter 26

2009-09-19T16:32:00.002-07:00

“But, Mommy, I liked Doctor Hat!” Caitlin sulked.

“I know, Caity-Cat, but Dr. Hatherly is retired now. He’s no longer at the clinic. Doctor Mott took his place. You’ll like him.”

Caitlin wore her pink coat, with the matching pink earmuffs and mittens. She stuffed her hands in her pockets and slowed her walk so that I was almost dragging her along. It had started snowing and lazy flakes settled on our shoulders.

“Caitlin, come on. You’ll like him. Trust me.”

We finally arrived at the warm clinic and shook off the cold. Connie greeted us wearing a short, checkered red shirt and green jacket.

“Hi, Caitlin. Long time no see!”

“Hi,” Caitlin said, her attention on the small wrapped boxes under the Christmas tree in the corner.

“Caitlin’s a little upset that Dr. Hat is not here anymore,” I said, trying to explain Caitlin’s subdued manner.

“Well, Caitlin, I think you’ll like Dr. Mott. Your mommy sure does.”

I flashed Connie a piercing look.

Gail came down the hall and called Caitlin, “Hi, Sweetie. We haven’t seen you for a while. Are you ready for Dr. Mott to check for sugar bugs?”

We walked together to the back room. I hoisted Caitlin into the dental chair and sat on the wicker one in the corner.

“Here’s a pair of glasses for you to wear today.” Gail handed Caitlin ruby-rimmed safety glasses. “So have you been brushing every day?”

Caitlin nodded.

Gail put on purple plastic gloves, rotated the chair back and positioned the overhead mirror so Caitlin could watch. “Let’s have a look inside.”

Caitlin opened her mouth wide and let Gail poke around with a silver instrument. Gail counted her teeth out loud as she touched each tooth.

“It looks like you may be getting a visit from the Tooth Fairy soon, Caitlin." She used the tip of her finger to wiggle a front tooth.

Caitlin’s eyes lit up.

“Well, everything looks good to me. Dr. Mott will be in shortly.”

Gail stood up and pressed a round button as she left the room.

“Did you hear that, Mommy? The Tooth Fairy!”

It wasn’t a moment later that Dr. Mott entered the room. He gave me a playful smile and bumped my knee as he passed by. “Well, hello, Miss Caitlin. What brings you here today?”

“I wanted Dr. Hat.”

I lifted my shoulders in apology.

“Yes, I can understand. Dr. Hatherly was a great dentist. Did you know that he’d been at this clinic for over thirty years?”

Caitlin didn’t flinch.

Bill tried a different approach. “Dr. Hat left me a list of his most favorite patients.”

Caitlin perked up a bit.

“He asked me to be extra nice to his favorite patients. And do you know what, Caitlin?”

She shook her head left to right.

“He had your name at the top of the list! That means that you get an extra toy out of the treasure box today.”

Caitlin beamed.

“Do you want to be on the top of my best patient list?”

Caitlin looked at him sideways.

“I have a pack of gum for my best patients. Would you like this?”

Caitlin nodded. She loved gum.

“Okay, let’s get started.” Bill sat at the chair and leaned in to look at Caitlin’s teeth. “Mmm, hmmm. Looks good. I don’t see any sugar bugs. I bet your mommy helps you to brush your teeth every day.”

“Mommy showed me, but I brush my own teeth,” Caitlin said proudly.

“Well that moves you to the top of the list!” Bill reached into his white coat pocket and produced a pack of sugarless spearmint gum. “Here you go.”

“Thank you,” Caitlin said with a gleam in her eye.

“You’ve been a great patient, Caitlin. You can go get yourself two prizes from the box.”

Caitlin took off her glasses and handed them to Bill. She hopped off the chair and skipped over to the treasure box.

“You spoiled her!” I said out of earshot.

“Hey, she happens to be at the top of my list. You’re at the top of my other list.”

“Other list?” I asked.

“See you behind the desk at noon?”

I twirled the hair of my ponytail around my finger and said, “I’ll be here.”

Once outside, Caitlin skipped along beside me. “Mommy, I like Doctor Mott.”

“So do I, Caity-Cat. So do I.”

**

Later that night, I settled down on the couch with my favorite pair of blue track pants with the hole in the left knee and faded sweatshirt, a hot chocolate in one hand and a big bowl of popcorn in the other. Blue-Casey lay on his back with his legs splayed beside me. Caitlin was sleeping in the next room when the door buzzer sounded. Startled, I flipped my bowl and spilled popcorn all over the carpet. Who could be calling at this hour?

“Yes?” I spoke into the intercom.

“Heather? Hi, sorry to barge in like this. Can I come up?”

“Who is it?”

“What? Oh, sorry. It’s Bill.”

“Bill? What are you doing here?” My knees sagged.

“I’d like to explain, but not while standing here in the apartment lobby. Can I come up?”

“Yeah, sure. I guess. Come up.” I buzzed him in.

Moments later a quiet tap sounded on the door. I peeked through the hole and confirmed it was Bill.

I opened the door and invited him in. “I’m afraid you’ve caught me off guard. I was just settling in to watch a movie.”

Bill smiled and his dimples melted my heart. “Again, sorry. I just had to see you.” He leaned over to untie his shoes. “What movie are you watching?” He took off his jacket. I could smell the leather.

“Oh, nothing, really. Just a comedy I rented. It can wait.” I bent over to pick up popcorn pieces. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“Sure. I’ll have whatever you’re drinking.”

My hot chocolate no longer looked hot. “How about a tea?”

“Great, thanks.” Bill followed me into the small kitchen.

Sensing his bulk behind me I fumbled with the tea bags. I kept my back to him. “You had to see me?”

“Heather,” he lightly touched my elbow, “I know the old cliché that people shouldn’t have office romances, but I’m falling in love with you.”

Shocked, I let the teapot slide from my hand. It crashed against the counter top and water spilled everywhere.

“Oh, my goodness!” I leaned over to grab the towel hanging from the fridge door handle and bumped into Bill doing the same.

“Sorry!” he exclaimed, baring his teeth in a grin while he cleaned up the water.

He had rung the towel over the sink and let the excess water squeeze out. Then he slowly turned to face me. “May I?” He gestured to the other chair.

“Yes, of course.”

Bill pulled the chair out and straddled it, resting his arms on the back. “Heather, I’m sorry. I feel like a teenage kid. I just don’t know how to act. You make me feel so goofy.” He looked at the floor and continued. “I knew it the first time I saw you behind the desk at the clinic. But I didn’t have the courage to say anything. And honestly, I didn’t think I was ready for another relationship.” He lifted his eyes to look piercingly into my own.

“Oh, Bill.” I managed to squeak. “It’s just so complicated. This whole horror with Caitlin. It’s just not a good time.”

His voice was low and intimate, “Heather. Forget that. I wanna help. I’m coming into this with my eyes open wide. I know that an office romance is frowned upon. I know that you are still in the middle of all this. I know what I want.”

Bill approached me, reached toward my neck and fingered the chain necklace I wore.

“You don’t even know me,” I whispered.

Bill stood beside my chair and combed his hair with his fingers. “I want to get to know you more. Is that too much to ask?”

Timidly I said, “We’ll take it slow?”

A crooked grin spread across his face. He said, “Is this slow enough?” and leaned in to brush my cheek with a kiss.

Chapter 27

2009-09-19T16:32:00.001-07:00

Caitlin woke me up early, eager to spend the day at her grandparents and open her gifts. We still honored the tradition of unwrapping gifts after the Christmas evening service. Looking out the window, I wished I had my camera to capture the picture of snow and crystallized tree branches. We worked together in the morning putting the final touches on our gifts and packing them into the Jeep. Caitlin could hardly contain her excitement on the drive to my parents.

“Merry Christmas!” Mom and Dad greeted us from their front door. I could hear Elvis belting out “Blue Christmas” in the living room as I shook the snow off my boots. The house smelled like pine tree and cinnamon.

“Dad, you outdid yourself this year,” I said in admiration of the fresh cut Christmas tree that stood nearly seven feet tall.

Dad beamed. “Only the best for my girls.”

“Eggnog?” Mom brought each of us a mug of our favorite seasonal drink. Caitlin was already under the tree looking for tags with her name on them.

“Love some, thanks. When’s Janice getting here?”

Mom exchanged looks with Dad. “Janice and Andy can’t make it. They just called to tell us that the ice storm has knocked down hydro lines and the police are cautioning anyone against leaving their homes.”

“Oh, I was looking forward to spending time with them.”

Mom nodded. “I know. Us too. But they promised to make a trip in the springtime.”

I sulked and flopped down on the Lazy-Boy. “Spring is too far away.”

Caitlin popped up from behind the tree, “Grandma, can I open this one now?” She held a rectangular box in her arms.

“Not until after church,” Grandpa said.

“P-please,” Caitlin begged.

“Caitlin!” I scolded.

“No, it’s okay, Heather.” Mom put her hand on my shoulder. “Harold, why don’t we break tradition and open the gifts before church?” She nodded toward the window.

I looked outside and saw the ominous black clouds, threatening freezing rain.

“That might be a good idea, Mom. Then Caitlin and I could return home right after the service. Just this once. What do you say, Dad?”

Not one to easily break with tradition, Dad stood up and walked toward the window. What he saw convinced him. “Well, maybe just this once.”

Caitlin squealed with delight and started to tear the wrapping from the gifts. Her pleasure was joy enough for all of us. We exchanged our gifts and Dad loved his new tackle box while Mom admired the Murano glass crystal. My parents bought me a gorgeous hand-woven rug for my living room floor.

Once we peeled the paper off the last gifts, we all packed up the Jeep and followed my parents to their church. It was a fine service.

I held my dad’s hand as we stepped outside. “Oh, my goodness!” While we were in church for the last hour, freezing rain drenched the world outside. Tree branches drooped with the weight of the ice. A half-inch of frozen water coated the windshield of all the vehicles in the parking lot. The lot itself was more like an ice rink.

“Dear, why don’t you come home with us?” Mom asked.

“It’s the same distance to my place as it is to yours. We’ll be fine.” I loaded Caitlin in the Jeep, cranked the heat, and started to scrape the windows.

“Are you sure? You could stay in the spare room now that Janice isn’t coming.”

“No, that’s fine, Mom. We’ll be okay. It’s only a short drive.”

Mom gave me a warm hug and then crawled in beside Caitlin to give her kisses. Dad helped me finish scraping the Jeep and came over for a hug. “Merry Christmas. You drive safely. The roads are slick.”

I waved goodbye and pulled onto the road. Dad was right, the roads were treacherous. Happy to drive behind the sand truck, I was in no hurry to get home. Nearing our apartment, I noticed that the streetlights and stoplights were out. A full power outage. The freezing rain pounded the Jeep. I spotted a couple of cars spilled into the ditches. My knuckles grew white on the steering wheel. Pulling into my parking lot, a man was waving his arms frantically for us to stop.
I pulled up beside him and rolled the window down an inch.

“Heather, thank goodness you’re alright!”

“Bill? What are you doing here?”

“The power’s been out for awhile and they don’t know when it’ll be back on again. I was just going home and wondered if you were okay.”

“We’re fine, thanks. We were at my mom and dad’s.” Bill ran to the other side of the Jeep and jumped in the passenger side.

“Do you have any source of heat in your apartment?”

“Yeah. We have heating.”

“No, I mean, do you have a wood stove or gas fireplace?”

“Oh, no. I hadn’t thought about the hydro affecting our heat.” I looked in the back seat and watched Caitlin breathe noisily as she slept.

“Would you like to come to my place? I have gas heating. You could stay until the hydro comes back on. I don’t live too far from here.” Looking at my stressed face, Bill added, “I can drive.”

We switched positions and I settled in to the passenger seat as Bill navigated through the winding side streets to his apartment. The streets were eerily abandoned. The sky was dark as soot. Bill turned at a corner condominium and entered the dry parking lot. Bill parked in his spot and then carried Caitlin into the building. Emergency lighting lit the halls. We took the stairs to his second-floor apartment. Bill took Caitlin into the spare room and I pulled down the futon couch and placed an old Mexican blanket over her as she stirred in her sleep. Leaving the door open a crack, we returned to the living room. Bill turned on the gas fireplace and it filled the room with a warm light.

“Can I offer you anything?”

“I’d love a hot chocolate,” I said with a snicker. “But a bottle of water would be fine under the circumstances.”

Bill poured the water into a fancy glass and lit scented candles around the room. He stretched out on the floor in front of the fireplace with a bag of potato chips. I joined him and rested my back against the couch.

“Christmas is my favorite time of year,” I said.

“Yeah, I love it, too. But what’s not to love? Eggnog, Christmas cake, candy canes and holly.”

“And don’t forget, little baby Jesus.”

Bill frowned. “I’m not a fan of that.”

“Not a fan of what? Jesus?”

“No. Little baby Jesus.”

“Really? Why?” I took a sip of water.

“Years ago, I visited a relative over the Christmas holiday season. Her house was decorated to rival Martha Stewart. Walking into her home was like walking onto the pages of some magazine like Better Homes and Gardens.”

“Ooh, sounds like my kind of girl,” I joked.

Bill smiled all dimples. “Over to the side, on a little wooden table, sat an antique nativity set. When I bent to look closer, my relative’s young daughter came over and picked up the straw basket. She beamed, ‘This is the baby Jesus’ and turned the piece for me to better see in the basket.”

“Nothing wrong with that.”

“Well, her mother came over then and picked up her daughter. She said, ‘Yes Dear, that’s the baby Jesus. Just like you’re a baby.’ The young girl protested, ‘I’m not a baby!’”

“Caitlin would do the same. So what’s the problem?”

“Well, later that night, that scene returned to me like a bad stomach ache. Did my cousin really believe that Jesus was merely a baby? True, Christmas time celebrates the birth of Christ, but did she believe that it stopped there?”

I sat silently, not sure where Bill was going with this.

“We need to realize that God reduced Himself to being born into this world as a baby.”

“What are you talking about?”

“As the Christ-Child, He still had to cry for attention – to be fed or be changed.”

I murmured, “Who’d you think got up in the middle of the night, Mary or Joseph?”

Bill ignored me. “But I wonder how many people leave Him there, not fully accepting that this baby grew into a man. A Man who lived to die.”

I sat up, took a sip of water, and stared at Bill. Is Bill Christian?

“Pretty radical, eh. Jesus gave Himself to be killed so we could live forever. He offered Himself as the ultimate sacrifice.” Bill reached down and rustled my hand in the potato-chip bag.

“It’s wonderful to celebrate the birth of Jesus, but people need to grow in faith and remember the whole story of His life and His resurrection.”

My shoulder brushed against Bill’s. “I really like Christmas.”

“Truthfully, my most favorite time of year is Easter.”

Bill’s passion amazed me. “Yeah, I like Easter eggs, too,” I joked and punched him in the arm. “But honestly, I’m amazed.”

“Why?” Bill’s eyes crinkled in a smile.

“Well, where’s this coming from?”

“Am I scaring you?” Bill sat up.

“Scaring me? I can’t believe this. I just joined a Bible study.”

Bill gave out a deep bark of a laugh and leaned into me, toppling me over. We lay side by side in the warmth of the fluttering fire. Bill pulled me close and combed my hair with his fingers. All my muscles relaxed. I hadn’t even realized I was so tense. Little tingles ran up my spine at the feel of Bill’s fingers through my hair. I leaned my head back soaking up the heat of the fire. I felt his fingers on the back of my neck, tracing around my earlobe. I could feel his breath hot on my neck. I turned to meet his eyes and Bill bent his mouth down to mine. I could feel his heart beating like a deep, comforting clock as we kissed.

**

“Mommy?” Caitlin turned toward me.

I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling fan. Where was I? I lifted the Mexican blanket and remembered the ice storm. Memories of lounging in front of the fire talking and cuddling with Bill into the late hours before joining Caitlin in bed made me feel warm inside. “Good morning, Caity-Cat. Merry Christmas.” I smiled.

“Where are we?”

“Dr. Mott took us home last night when you were asleep. We had no heat at our apartment.”

“Did Santa come?”

I sat up. “Um. No, not here. He went to our apartment. We’d better get home and see.”

Bill knocked lightly on the door. “Are you two sleepy-heads awake yet?”

“Good morning, Bill.”

“The heat and hydro are back on. Would you like me to make you some breakfast?”

I looked at Caitlin but she shook her head No. “Mommy, I want to go home.”

“Before you go, I’d better check just in case Santa left something here.” Bill walked into his bedroom to return only seconds later with two gifts in his hands.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“Santa came!” Caitlin squealed.

“Well, I guess he did.” Bill grinned and gave each of us a gift.

Caitlin tore into her gift. She pulled out an orange sequinned purse with a packet of gum inside. She strung the purse over her shoulder, “Look, Mommy! Isn’t it beautiful? My very own purse!”

“Yes, it’s lovely.”

“Open yours,” Bill said eagerly. He stood with his thumbs in his pockets.

I wasted no time and tore into my package in the same manner as my daughter. I opened the little box and to my delight I found a stunning silver locket. “Oh, Bill. It’s gorgeous.”

“Lemme see!” Caitlin skipped over to look at my locket. “It’s pretty. Put it on, Mommy.”

“Here, let me.” Bill took my necklace off, added the locket and clasped it around my neck. He then took hold of my shoulders and turned me to face him. “Yes, very pretty.” He pulled me in close for a warm hug. I buried my face into the crook of his neck and breathed in his scent.

“Thank you, Bill. For everything.”

“Merry Christmas, Heather.”

Chapter 28

2009-09-19T16:31:00.001-07:00

The last few weeks of bliss over the holidays dissipated like mist over the water when I approached the Court House. It felt like just yesterday that I had this familiar sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach, the rising heat in my throat, the loud thumping of my own heart in my ears. My headache felt overwhelming today.

The waiting room was quieter than last time, more subdued. The dull gray walls seemed colder. The few chairs scattered around the room were empty.

It’s 9:45, where is my lawyer? The room started to fill when I saw Rod. He skewered me with a pinched-lip, narrowed-eyed glare. His lawyer led him to side Room C, turned on the light, and closed the door. Sitting on the hard bench, I watched my lawyer hurry by nodding her hello as she opened the door for another woman to enter the courtroom. What a ridiculous system. My lawyer booked her whole day here but instead of sitting with me, holding my hand and preparing our plan, she rushed back and forth from client to client. How could she even care about a single one?

A baby in a stroller began to stir and his mother, a young girl, barked an order for him to sit still. My heart ached. I wanted to take this child and wrap my arms around him. I longed to comfort him and in turn to be comforted.

A wicket window abruptly opened and a rush of people formed a line in front of it. The lady behind the window sighed audibly.

“Armstrong vs. Barker come to Courtroom Two,” sounded over the loudspeaker. “Armstrong and Barker in Courtroom Two.”

A large woman, followed by a brood of children made her way to the courtroom door. A young man, obviously her lawyer, with a tailored suit and briefcase, appeared out of one of the side rooms and followed her.

The wall clock ticked the hours away as name after name bellowed from the loudspeaker.

My heart jumped when the loudspeaker finally called our names, “Williams vs. Kramer come to Courtroom Two. Williams and Kramer in Courtroom Two.”

Here we go. Where is my lawyer? Do I go in by myself? Is she already in there? Rod strutted by like a peacock decked out in his finest suit, marching beside his lawyer.

I grabbed my briefcase, made a final visual sweep of the waiting room for my lawyer, and slowly made my way to the courtroom door.

“Heather,” I heard a call from behind me. “Sorry about that. I was in an important meeting with a client.”

I smiled weakly.

Once inside, Ms. Turner motioned for me to sit down in the front row of seats. Rod and his lawyer were already sitting on the far side of the court. Rod sat ramrod stiff with a blank look on his face.

My body was cold yet I felt sweat pocketing under my arms. My breathing shallow, I had to take deep gasps to catch my breath. I could easily count my pulse against the thumps of my heart.

“All rise for the honourable Judge Howlett.” Judge Howlett was a stern man with a tight expression and a gruff voice. This was not the same judge that we had before. This guy was all business and wasted no time taking his seat and opening the file folder on his desk. He shuffled some papers around.

Careful to stand with everyone and sit down again when the other people did, I was surprised to see so many people in the seats. Who were these people? Why were they interested in my life? Were they even allowed to be in here?

My thoughts were interrupted by a question from the judge. His gaze was steady but I had missed the question. My lawyer responded. Then Rod’s lawyer countered. Then the lawyer who represented the Children’s Aid Society returned. It seemed to be a bit of a rally. I had trouble focusing and couldn’t follow what they said. Their voices faded until it sounded like they were coming through a long tunnel. I wondered how Rod could live with himself. What goes through his mind? Was he so submerged in his own lie, like a spider that gets trapped in his own web? I thought back to the taped meetings at the police station. Will I get to see Rod’s interview? Will he see mine? What if they want to show Caitlin’s interview in the court? She was behind closed doors for a full fifteen minutes. I haven’t even seen it. Actually, I don’t think I could handle seeing it. Even though she had come away appearing content and not crying, hearing the details through Donna was graphic enough for me to retch.

Then the judge leaned forward, took off his glasses, and dismissed us.

What happened? I looked to my lawyer, and she motioned for me to leave with her. I didn’t get it. What just went on?

I followed her out of the courtroom and into one of the side rooms. I closed the door behind me and sat down.

“What happened?” I asked before Ms. Turner opened her file.

She smiled stiffly. “It’s good and bad news. The judge ordered in favor of the Children’s Aid Society.”

“What does that mean?” I bit my lip.

“He agreed to subject Caitlin to continued supervision but her supervisor will now be a family member, not the C.A.S.”

Emotions twisted my stomach. “You mean Rod’s sister, Deana, will now be the supervisor?”

“Yes.” Packing up her things, Ms. Turner stood to leave.

My face fell. “Forever?”

“Well, at least until Caitlin turns eighteen.”

It took me a moment to process. “Caitlin will continue to be supervised. But it’ll now be by Deana, not the C.A.S. When?”

Ms. Turner brushed a fleck of lint off her skirt. “It starts this weekend. I will complete the paperwork and get it to you as soon as possible. Good day.”

Packing up my stuff, I left the building. White speckles of snow slowly descended from the sky. I lifted my face to feel the light flecks on my face.

“Heather?” Sarah called while approaching from the parking lot.

“Hi, Sarah.” My voice was flat. “The judge ordered supervision, but not by C.A.S. By Deana.”

“That’s good. Right?” She searched my face. “How do you feel?”

“I feel tired.” I looked up and met Sarah’s eyes. “But you know what, I think I’m going to make it.” I motioned for Sarah to join me to sit on the bench. “I’m thankful that someone will be held accountable, even if it is Deana.”

Even as I said those words, I realized God had done so much to put my fears to rest. “I’m not sure how it’ll all work out but I feel as if God is going to protect Caitlin.”

Sarah sat silently, nodding slowly. “Would you like to come to church with me on Sunday?”

“I’ll think about it.” I had gone to my parents' church over the holidays, as was expected, but I wasn’t sure about going outside of Christmas or Easter. Looking into Sarah’s eyes, I wanted to say thanks for coming, but instead said, “Yes. Yes, I’ll come.”

Chapter 29

2009-09-19T16:30:00.000-07:00

Rod’s half-sister, Deana, lived in a yellow brick bungalow. Neglected bushes ran rampant across the stone pathway. Tattered flags served as curtains.

I approached the front door with caution, skirting old dog droppings. Ringing the bell, I backed away from the door but nothing happened; I heard no chime. I tried it again. Nothing. I knocked hard enough to scruff a knuckle. I heard a dog bark and could make out voices in the house. The front porch light came on, shining into cobwebbed corners. Expecting to be greeted by Caitlin, my smile faded when instead Deana pushed the door open and stepped out.

When she moved close and leaned in to talk I could smell an acetone odor on her breath. She wiped saliva from her lips.

I frowned at her.

“You women are all alike,” she spat. “All you want is money, and you’ll ruin your husbands just to get it! You think you’re so high and mighty? You think you can come in here and destroy my brother? Well forget it lady!”

Deana continued with her venomous assault. A strange sensation surrounded me. I could see her mouth moving and felt the spittle on my cheek as her anger rose and her cursing became more animated. I could hear her words and understood that they were directed at me. My senses were on hyper-alert and my body readied itself for flight. Yet her arrows of hatred were not penetrating.

I stood my ground without answering back. This confused Deana. Her words faltered and she stumbled backwards. Spent, she had nothing left to say. She cocked her head sideways at me, gave me one last puzzled look, then turned and silently entered the house.

A moment later the door creaked open just enough for someone to gently push Caitlin forward.

“Mommy!” Her smile and outstretched arms softened my heart.

“Hi, Caity-Cat.” I gathered her up and carried her to my Jeep.

Driving away, I let out a deep sigh and held tight to the steering wheel to steady my shaking arms. What was that all about?

I shook my head and turned my attention back to Caitlin. “How was your day with Daddy at Aunt Deana’s house?”

Caitlin sat forward, thrilled to tell me about the antics of “Sid” the dog. She talked about the dog all the way back to the apartment. When I asked her again about Rod, she shrugged her shoulders and repeated the silly tricks that the doggy did.

Later, after Caitlin settled down to sleep, the phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Sissy. How’d it go?”

“Hey, Janice. It went okay. Caitlin seems fine. But…”

“But what?”

I tried to keep my voice steady. “Well, something very strange happened when I picked her up. Deana, in her usual pleasant manner, laid into me about what a rotten person I am.”

Janice laughed. “That’s not news. You and Deana never did see eye to eye.”

“Yeah, but that’s not the weird part. During Deana’s verbal attack, I heard her words, yet I didn’t absorb them. A protecting bubble enveloped me. In my mind’s eye, I imagined an invisible shield around me as her words hit and slid down this wall. The saying, ‘water off a duck’s back’ came to mind. It was as if I was protected from her attack.”

“Oh, I know what that was! I’ve been praying for a hedge of protection to surround you and Caitlin. You had the awesome opportunity to actually feel it.”

“What?” The hair on the back of my neck stood up.

“Well, since Mom told me that Deana would be supervising, I’ve been praying specifically for safety and protection for you both. God’s done just that.”

“You believe that?”

“You don’t? How could you not after actually experiencing it?”

“Yeah, I suppose.”

“It’s something to think, and pray, about. I’m glad everything turned out okay today. I’ll keep you guys in my prayers. Talk to you soon. Love ya.”

“Love you, too.”

Before retiring to bed, I looked in on Caitlin and found her sleeping soundly in bed with Blue-Casey sharing her pillow.

**

It felt different coming to this church on a Sunday morning instead of the usual Wednesday. I had never been to the sanctuary part. It was huge! It easily could seat one thousand people. However, many of the women’s faces were familiar and I found myself saying hello to lots of ladies on my way in. I scanned the crowd looking for Sarah and I spotted her carrying Tessa in her arms.

“Good morning!” Sarah said and passed Tessa to Steve so that she could give me a hug. “I’m so glad you could make it.”

“I’m glad to be here, although I thought I may be late after waiting for Rod and Deana to pick up Caitlin.”

Steve held out his hand. He had tawny blonde hair and a smattering of freckles. “Nice to see you here, Heather.”

The music started and everyone rose to sing. I felt comfortable singing as I recognized many of the songs from the Women’s Coffee Break. They even had a large band with drums and a guitar. After singing, they made some announcements and took up an offering.

Pastor James started into his message; “I was catching up on the life of a friend over coffee the other day when he commented about how his life could be so much easier if only a certain co-worker would quit.” He talked in an animated voice. “This co-worker caused him problems every day on the job and my friend wished that he wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. Then another friend shared with me her desire to change her phone number and even change apartments so that she wouldn’t have to deal with a certain neighbor. Another person told me just today that he wished a certain person was no longer living, just so he wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore.”
This minister sounded like he was sitting down to talk with a friend over coffee, not on stage preaching to a thousand people. I liked it.

He continued, “I could relate. There was a time when I thought my life would be easier if only a certain person didn’t exist. I’ve since repented of this, and now follow the Bible’s directive to pray for my enemies.”

It surprised me to hear the minister talking with such frankness.

“Is our society such that we think to remove a person removes the problem? This reminded me of a couple of Disney movies. Has anyone seen the movie, The Little Mermaid?” Many people put up their hands. “You know that the sea witch, Ursula, was killed by the Prince and he saved the mermaid’s kingdom, and the Prince and Ariel lived happily ever after. And in the movie Tarzan, the evil human that came to capture the gorillas was killed in a violent battle by Tarzan. Tarzan and Jane then lived happily ever after.” He laughed, a deep rolling laugh.

“Pastor James must have children,” I whispered to Sarah. She muffled a giggle.

“So my question is, are we conditioned to think that we will only be happy when we are rid of those in our life who cause us grief and pain?”

Pastor James continued, “Can I be totally transparent? Once I came to see the error in my thinking that life would be better if this individual was out of my life, I was able to deal with the reality that they were not going anywhere. So instead of living in a lie, I’ve embraced the truth and come to terms with it.” He gave a smile that showed every last one of his teeth.

“Easier said than done,” I overhead someone comment behind me.

“But I could not do this in my own strength; I needed God and the work of the Holy Spirit.” His voice grew louder. “Only through God’s help could I come to look upon this person with different eyes. Only through the power of the Holy Sprit was I able to begin to pray for this individual.”

Many people started to clap in agreement. “Today, I still pray for this person. I pray that this individual finds favor with me. I pray that this person gets into a right relationship with God. I pray that this person is saved. Living in reality and dealing with my situation with God’s help is a much better place to be.”

Some people shouted, “Amen!”

“Jesus Himself said, ‘You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.’”

Something inside my spirit stirred. It was making sense to me. It felt very different from my childhood memories of church. The minister didn’t preach at us, but it felt more like he was talking with us.

Then Pastor James invited those who had never given their lives to Christ to come forward. My hands broke out in a sweat and my eyes began to water. I watched as people, young and old, started pouring into the aisles. In the deepest part of my spirit, I heard the words, “Come.” I wanted to go forward, but my heart thumped so loudly I didn’t think I could make it down the aisle. The thought “come” was so distinct. I choked back my tears and held my ground. Eventually, my heart returned to a steady beat. I watched as those who went forward prayed a prayer together and then the congregation applauded and cheered. After this, the minister said a short prayer and dismissed everyone.

Turning around to go, I thought I caught a glimpse of Bill. “Sarah, how did you find your dentist?”
Sarah cocked her head sideways. “What?”

“Dr. Mott. How did you hear about him?”

“Oh, he came recommended. I think he may even attend this church although I’ve never seen him at the morning service.”

Chapter 30

2009-09-19T16:28:00.000-07:00

I pulled Caitlin’s pink leggings up over her knees as she asked, “But Mommy, it’s not Easter yet. Why are we going to church?”

“Well, Caity-Cat, I think it’s important for us to start going to church more regularly like grandma and grandpa.”

Caitlin smoothed down the front of her dress and followed me into the living room. “How come we’re not going to their church?”

“I’ve been going to a Bible study at the church up the road. I like that church. It’s nice and close and there are a lot of friendly people there.”

Buckling her shoes, Caitlin asked, “Is Tessa gonna be there?”

“Yeah, I think so. Her mom and dad usually go every Sunday.”

Once outside, I glanced up at the sky. Not a cloud in sight. The sky was a brilliant blue. Sea blue. The air carried the scent of wood smoke. We walked hand-in-hand to the doors of the church. The sign outside read:

Prayer –
Wireless access to God with no roaming charges.

“Good morning, Heather.” Susan opened the door wide for us to enter. She wore a dress the color of orange marmalade.

“Morning, Susan. I’d like you to meet my daughter, Caitlin.”

“Hello, Caitlin. Gee, what a pretty dress you have on.” She gave a toothy grin.

“Thank you,” Caitlin said shyly. We crossed the room and hung our coats on the rack before entering the sanctuary.

Across the foyer, I waved hello to Pat and her husband. Diane approached and greeted me with a big hug. I took in her clinging scent of BenGay and jasmine. She leaned over, placing her hands on her thighs. “And this little darling must be Caitlin.”

Caitlin slid one foot behind the other and squeezed my hand as she said, “Hello.”

From behind us we heard a friendly squeal of delight, “Caitlin!” Tessa skipped over to us followed by Sarah and Steve. Tessa took Caitlin’s hand and swung it wildly. Sarah approached and gave me a hug. “Glad to see you again.” Steve leaned in and shook my hand.

The music started and we found a bench to sit all of us together.

After the praise and worship music, Pastor James started his sermon. “Good morning, everyone.”

“Good morning, Pastor James,” a thousand voices responded.

“The Sinner’s Prayer – I never liked the title of this prayer.”

I saw a man shift in his seat and a woman wearing cat-eye glasses murmur to her neighbor.

He continued, “It was hard to admit that I’d done wrong, let alone that I was a sinner. I was nice to my neighbors, friendly to my co-workers. I didn’t murder. I led an upstanding life. Yeah, sure I might have told a little white lie or thought something nasty about a person I didn’t like, but that doesn’t make me a sinner. Or does it?” He flashed a 150-watt grin.

I liked how Pastor James left the security of the podium and moved around on the raised platform. Caitlin wriggled like an eel.

“God doesn’t use a scale to measure one sin against another. He doesn’t consider one sin any worse than the next. In His eyes, the fact that I might be envious of a rich person’s mansion is as bad as when I stole some change out of my dad’s pant pockets as a child. The fact that I might have lustful thoughts for a movie star is as bad as when I lied to my mom about smoking in her car. All of these sins are considered equal.”

I toyed with my necklace. I’d never thought of sinning in this way. The links felt cool as they brushed up against my skin.

“This is similar to a law in the health field that a calorie is a calorie is a calorie. It doesn’t matter whether the calorie came from a protein or a fat or a carbohydrate. 3500 calories equals one pound, no matter how we consume the calories. Whether you eat an egg, smear butter on your toast, or eat a bowl of iceberg lettuce, each calorie is created equal. It’s a law in nature.”
I remembered hearing this at the nutrition seminar. I looked over to Sarah to see if was getting the message like I was and she nodded in agreement.

Pastor James said, “So is the law of sin. A murder is no worse in God’s eyes than stealing. In our society, we measure sin on a scale and we strive to find a punishment to fit the crime. This is our legal system. However, we are not talking about human law but rather the way in which God views sin.”

Caitlin gave a kitten-sized yawn. I playfully nudged her in the ribs.

“This realization that a sin is a sin is a sin can seem harsh, however, God doesn’t leave us here. He realizes that it’s our nature to sin and, therefore, we can’t enter heaven. God gave us His only son to die on the cross in our place for our past sins and our future sins. This gives us reason to rejoice. Although we are sinners in God’s eyes, He has made a way for us to be clean and to enter into heaven. All we need to do is say and believe the Sinner’s Prayer.”

I heard a few “Amens” called out around the room.

Then Pastor James invited those who had never given their lives to Christ to come forward. In the deepest part of my spirit, I again heard the words, “Come.” I wanted to go forward. I felt a hot flush rise up from my neck. The thought “come” was so distinct. I felt a hand at my elbow and I looked up to see Sarah’s searching look.

“Would you like me to go with you?” she whispered.

I gave her a watery smile. “Come” resonated in my thoughts. I nodded slowly and stepped out into the aisle. Sarah followed and linked her arm through mine as we walked down the aisle to the front of the sanctuary.

I’m not sure how many other people came forward. I kept my eyes closed and repeated the prayer Pastor James said. “Lord Jesus Christ, I am sorry for the things I have done wrong in my life. Please forgive me. I now turn from everything that I know is wrong. Thank You that You died on the cross for me so that I could be forgiven and set free. Thank You that You offer me forgiveness and the gift of Your Spirit. I now receive that gift. Please come into my life by Your Holy Spirit to be with me forever. Thank You, Lord Jesus. Amen.”

I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand and opened my eyes to see Sarah crying with me, her eyes glowing with warmth.

Pastor James said, “If you say and believe this prayer you can rest on the hope of salvation and God’s promise of redemption. In John 3 verse 16 it says, ‘For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.’”

When we finished giving our hearts to Jesus the congregation broke out in loud clapping. I felt a joy like never before. Sarah hugged me and I pulled her close to say, “Thank you.”

Chapter 31

2009-09-19T16:23:00.001-07:00

I awoke with the dream still floating in my thoughts. Blue-Casey was patting my face with his velvety paw. The morning sun was soft and low, just coming over the horizon. Lying in bed, I went over the dream in my mind. Over and over again. Then I decided I had to share it with someone. I reached for the phone and dialled my best friend.

“Hi, Sarah. Do you have time to talk? I want to tell you about the dream I had last night.”

“Go ahead. Tessa’s not awake yet.”

“Well, it seemed like it took all night. Actually it was more like a series of dreams. The first one started with me sitting on a wooden raft in a deserted lagoon. It was a quiet place with still waters. A man sat on the raft beside me. He told me to look at the beach. There, I saw a number of crate-like boxes. The man said that these boxes held all the major happenings in my life. Each significant experience was on the shore, including my past, my present and my future.”

“Sounds interesting. What happened next?” I could hear Sarah putting on coffee.

“There was a cross, a crucifix, standing on top of each box. As I watched, each cross moved over the top of its box and slid down the side where it stopped and then was embedded to become part of the box.”

“You were watching all this from the raft?” Sarah managed this question through a yawn.

“Yeah, then the man told me that the crosses meant Jesus was there with me at every moment of my life. We moved to the beach, and I looked into the boxes. Oh Sarah, you wouldn’t believe what I saw.”

“What?” She sounded more alert.

“When I looked into the first box, I saw Jesus standing beside my parents at my baptism. The next box showed where Jesus sat when I had my car accident. Each box had a significant memory with Jesus in it.” I stopped to catch my breath and blink my eyes to control the oncoming tears.

“Heather, what is it?” I heard the clink of cup against saucer.

Sobbing, I said, “Sarah, in one of the boxes I saw that Jesus was standing beside Caitlin’s bed comforting her those nights.”

“Jesus was there for you both in your worst moments.” Sarah whispered. “Was that the whole dream?”

“No, no, there’s more!” I wiped my tears and continued. “After looking in all the boxes, I backed up and watched as the man firmly shut the boxes. But only the boxes that held my past experiences were securely sealed. I asked the man if I could look into the boxes of the present and he said Yes. It was like an-out-of-body-experience as I looked in and saw myself sleeping. Then I asked the man if I could look in the boxes of the future, but I was told I wasn’t allowed.”

“What a wild dream.” Sarah took a gulp of coffee.

“It went on! The boxes of the past started to move toward the sea, like they were on rollers. As if by an invisible hand, they were moved into the water and slowly being swept out and sunk to the bottom of the sea. The past was gone.”

I sat up straight in bed realizing the true impact of my dream. “Sarah, Jesus was always there with me. I could let it go.”

“You can let go of the past and move on now,” Sarah said with authority. “You’ve been given a tremendous gift in this dream.”

“I know. I just had to share it. Isn’t it awesome? The past has been sealed. I can get on with life again.” I flopped back in bed with the morning sun in my eyes. “I really don’t know what’s in store for me and Caitlin, but I do feel as if things are going to be okay.”

And I knew as I said the words that I meant them.